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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My husband has some quirky issues goin on with him that he

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My husband has some quirky issues goin on with him that he wont talk about. Our sex life is good except for one weird twist. Everytime i leave home he masturbates almost immediately. He even hides in the bathroom and does it if im gone and the kids are awake. Or is I am here and he thinks my hands are full with kids or chores, he'll go "take a shower". I mean i get it.. kind of. Now we frequent the bedroom every other night. The sex is good, not great, because he's struggling for his body to meet his need. He's yelling at it and swearing he doesnt know what the problem is. So now we're frequenting the bed every night... half the time it works half the time it doesn't. He again swears that he doesnt know whats wrong. At this point im sure he believes im totally oblivious to his escapades. So i tell him. All about what he does, describing in detail about what he looks at and where he does it so he knows im not bluffing and yada yada. It continues, so i start barging in on him asking him to "put it away, i'm home- your wife- the one that can meet this need" and well..... its not stopping. Two main issues. 1. he's doing it with the kids awake (also my biggest concern- they are very little and need constant supervision) 2. i'm thoroughly not happy with it, well, with his member only half way happy.
There is a little more to this but this is the blunt part, if more detail is needed i will provide.
Hello. This is actually an issue more common than you can imagine. There are many causes for it and different ways to solve the issue. If this is a problem causing as many issues as you describe, I strongly recommend that he gets some counseling to determine if this is a physical or mental problem. There are some medical reasons for this, as he could have a hormonal imbalance (men get these too, just like women) or he could have an addiction to it and cannot stop without professional intervention. As angry as this makes you, you have to understand that this has nothing to do with you and you should not feel as though you aren't offering him enough. You should also try not to accuse him of causing problems in the relationship and try to be supportive of his problem. I know this is difficult because it seems simple to you, that he should just stop and you see the problems it is causing as far as the kids and your marriage, but it isn't that simple. He will feel worse and worse and more embarrassed if you make him feel that h is doing something wrong. Even if it seems clear that he is, you will not get him to stop by having that attitude with him. He will just find ways to be more secluded to get away with it. Please try and talk him into seeing a Dr about this in your area. He can have testosterone levels tested and narrow down the cause of this. Try and look at this as a problem you need to help him resolve, even if it doesn't seem that way to you. You need to solve this together as a team and get to the bottom of the problem.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Well, i asked him to talk to his dr. about it, even a therapist, no dice. I swear i really did try it the nice way and the sweet love and logic and all. Before i even knew what was going on id ask him if he "took care of it already" and would notice a branch of lies from him and quite a bit of sneakiness. He, in no way, has a desire to stop. infact hes quite convinced thats not the issue at all. I fear he enjoys it more than me and just puts out to make me feel better. Its been going on for months apparently. and well... hes been experimenting on himself. im sure its something hes afraid to disclose, and ive expressed that its ok. that i can get behind him in it, but he just denies it. even when i walk in on him. he's just like oh i was only curious it was just this once. and if it makes any difference, its gotten to the point that he'l start to say how hes not in the mood, but when hes convinced im asleep he'lldo his deed again, quirky and interesting things along with it. and once i even came out of the room after some time of watching to express that i wasnt upset. he actually denied everything- yea i caught him in the middle of it purposely to show how ok i was. he still insists on hiding and doing these things sneakily. what am i suppose to do? he wont talk about it or even admit it.

He is obviously extremely embarrassed. You need to start drawing some extreme lines in the sand about him not getting help. He needs to know that this is a problem that MUST be addressed. He is the only one who can come to the realization that this is effecting the relationship. I would contact a therapist in your area to see if they do personal interventions in your house. Obviously when the kids are not home. You need to start getting creative about getting him some help. I'm not advocating threatening him with leaving, but it may be something to consider in order to get him some sort of therapy. If he has a regular Dr that he sees, it may be possible that you make a call to that Dr.
He has to realize how this effects you. If he loves you, he should care about your feelings. Keep at him about how it makes you feel. Take that angle with him more than making him feel he is doing something wrong.
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