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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1354
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Circumstances over the last month have given my husband concern

Customer Question

Circumstances over the last month have given my husband concern over my possesion of my pistol. I suffer from diagnosed major depression and PTSD. I do feel more "low" over the last couple of weeks than usual but I don't think it's nearly as big a deal as he does. He wants me to hand over my gun and I have flat out refused. It's mine and I need it to feel safe. I have a conceal carry permit in my state and I am proficient with my weapon. He is concerned for my safety, and I want him to back off. How can we compromise?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. I can see both sides of this and I am hoping you can see his, as he is concerned for you because he loves you. His concerns are valid in his eyes and you need to understand that people diagnosed with depression are at very high risk if they have a firearm available to them. If you are looking for a compromise, the first thing I would do is to ask him what HE thinks is a good compromise. It depends on your schedules and how often you are alone, which you did not go into details about, but maybe its possible for you to have your gun locked up and he would have the key to either the gun lock or the safe lock during certain times of the day or night? The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you need to work this out with him and decide what works the best for both of you. While you are licensed and proficient with your weapon, it does not change the fact that people with depression are still at a high risk. Please understand his point of view and he is not trying to be mean or unreasonable, he is just wanting you to be safe.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi! Thanks for your reply. I am a stay at home mom with three kids. I'm home a lot alone. I also spend a lot of time at a gun range where we are both members. I have a pistol and an AR-15 rifle, both of which I spend hours each week firing. I know he loves and cares about me, but im still able to act in my own best interest and I just want my gun back.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would explain this to him as rationally as possible. Just tell him, I know you are concerned for my well being and I can see your point of view, but please understand that I would never want to remove myself from the lives of you and the kids. I really am concerned about being home alone all day and would really appreciate it if you can see my side of it as well. Ask him what he needs from you in order to return your protection to you. I might also consider getting yourself some pepper spray if it is legal in your area if he continues to remove your protection from you, so you would have something if in an emergency to slow someone down. I understand it is not nearly as sure as a weapon, but if he is dead set on not letting you have it back for a period of time, it is an option.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


We have tried to have rational conversations. But the thing is, he's been burned by my denial that anything had been wrong in the past (over the summer) and now he feels like he has to be super vigilant as to my moods. When I say I'm ok, he doesn't really buy it. I'm not very forthcoming about how I feel and I often pretend like everything is ok, even when its not, because I don't want to lose my gun. Instead of reassuring him in a genuine way that I'm ok, I have to lie so he doesn't freak out. Not exactly a relationship/trust builder, but I'm doing what I feel like needs to be done.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I know you think this is what needs to be done, but deception is not the way to go. You are both a team and need to work in a supportive environment. You have created a place where he doesn't believe you and admit that he shouldn't. Again, try and put yourself in his position and how he should act. I think you need to tell him pretty much what you said here. Tell him that you have done this in the past and know how he feels, but you are working on being more forthcoming with your feelings.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I see his point of view, but since I always have
protection on me, I feel naked and anxious without it. Sometimes, it makes me feel almost paranoid. My personal security is gone. He doesn't understand that. He just thinks I'm going to blow my brains out while he's at work.


 

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
You both have a lot of talking to do about it. I know you probably have, but you have not gotten your point to him. There is a lot at stake as far as he is concerned and he doesn't want to lose you and have the kids grow up without a mom. He is probably very stressed out thinking about this extreme but possible scenario. It is very real to him that you could do this. Your paranoia and lack of security is not as important as your life as far as he is concerned. Again, you need to ask him what you can do in order for him to return your gun to you. Ask him what proof he needs to make him secure.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I will try to talk to him tonight. I don't think I'm going to get it back though. I have thought about just going to the range and purchasing another one--which I may do tomorrow if he still refuses to hand it back.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I hope you can both work it out together in order to reach a conclusion that works for both of you. By doing things behind is back, things may be come worse. The trust issues in your relationship will deteriorate.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for your help!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Ok, good luck. Please remember to rate my answer so I get credit for it.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1354
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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