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ben0308
ben0308, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 41
Experience:  Over 30 years of experience in working with relationship issues
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Is it possible to help a person change for the better? I guess what Im

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Is it possible to help a person change for the better? I guess what Im trying to say is that my fiance has been really mean to me since after we moved in together. He seems to have no respect for me or when we get in a heated argument he always tells me he cant take living that way as if he wants out of the relationsip. But then he acts like he never said it and things go back to normal. He is not much of a communicator and thinks if I want to talk about things its always an arguement. We live together and act like he lives there alone, for instance he always has people sleep over when they need a place to sleep, people I dont know at all or dont feel confortable being around. He never aks me if it would be okay and most of the time he isnt there to entertain them because he is working out of the city. So going thru all of this, I decided to keep my mouth shut about things that I think I shouldnt bring up even if it bothers me. Ive done this for a couple days and things have been better. So I guess, Is it possible by doing this because I would be giving 100% dedication to this relationship, is it possible for him to see how he needs to change for me? I mean I got this idea from the the Movie "Fire Proof".
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I'm a Moderator for this topic. I've been working hard to find a Professional to assist you right away, but sometimes finding the right Professional can take a little longer than expected.


I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you. Thank you!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I will continue to wait.

Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your continued patience. We will continue the search for a Professional for you.
Expert:  ben0308 replied 1 year ago.

Hello,

I will try to help you the best I can. I am sorry you are having these issues with your fiance. The two things that really concern me about what you wrote are: Number one: that you feel he needs to change for you; and number two: that you have let a lot of things go that bother you about him. Both of these are big red flags for me. First of all, it is almost impossible to expect someone to change for US. If he makes any changes, it has to be because HE wants to. He may not see or realize what he is doing to you and your relationhip which leads me to number two. If you do not tell him how you are feeling about things then he does not know you are bothered and hence thinks things are OK. If you feel that the two of you are unable to talk about these things together without ending up in a huge argument then perhaps seeing a counsleor would be wise. You are not married yet and having these issues now. Makes me concerned about once you ARE married. I would highly encourage that you gets these issues resolved now. Thoughts?.........

ben0308, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 41
Experience: Over 30 years of experience in working with relationship issues
ben0308 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Its not that I want to change him but he promised me a lot of things when we got engaged and he had realized how he wasnt respecting me in the past and how he put things 1st before our relationship of 6 years. I had feared moving in with him would make him go back into being the selfish and mean person he turned out to be and he has. I feel like if maybe I let go of some issues I have with him , he will see me as the person I was when we 1st met.

 

According to him there shouldnt be any drama in a relationship, I have explained that its impossible but there are ways to communicate issues the right way. So I am trying to be the one not to cause the drama so that he is at peace and maybe change he ways toward me.

 

Plus in the past we had issues with social networking sites like Facebook, and vowed to close the aacount because he would post flirty remarks on other womens pages. He clearly admitted it was wrong and he didnt want FB to come between us. Now I am having the same issue because 8 months ago he reopened it and is contuining to do the same thing. I dont want to bring it up because I shouldnt be snooping but he gave me his password XXXXX he didnt want me to think was going on behaind my back. But Im sorry Men are dumb and he probably thinks I cant see all the comments he makes but I can and its disturbing but I dont want to bring it up and push him away. Should I also bring up a comment he posted today or let it go?

Expert:  ben0308 replied 1 year ago.

OK so I still go back to my thoughts I mentioned previously. If your moving in with him has caused him to go back to the way he was which you were not happy with, that should most definitely be a red flag for you. I am not trying to persuade you in any way but I am concerned for your happiness now and in the future. It will do you or him no good in the long run to brush aside feelings now that you fear may cause your relationship to end, but by not dealing with these issues now you are only setting up the relationship for failure at some point. The fact that he is back posting things on Facebook after he told you he would close his account to keep it from coming between the two of you should concern you as well. Not sure what more I can offer at this point.

Let me know your thoughts. I just want the best for you and your long term happiness. Thank you

ben0308, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 41
Experience: Over 30 years of experience in working with relationship issues
ben0308 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX I have known this all along, becuase Why should I have to brush my feelings aside to save a relationship in witch the other isnt willing to save. Thank you so much for your support witch i really needed.

Expert:  ben0308 replied 1 year ago.
You are most welcome. Please let me know if I can ever be of any further assistance for you. I wish you only the best. Thank you
ben0308, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 41
Experience: Over 30 years of experience in working with relationship issues
ben0308 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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ben0308
ben0308
Medical Social Worker
12 Satisfied Customers
Over 30 years of experience in working with relationship issues