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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Okay, me and my now ex partner have been broken up for almost

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Okay, me and my now ex partner have been broken up for almost 2 years. We have not cut off communication. ( the longest is maybe 2 months) I was unhappy and so was he. I was unhappy cause I could not trust him due to his behavior, he was unhappy cause I would not let things go and feels he could not make me happy. I feel I tried harder than he did (I should not keep score). When he would do things its like he wanted me to forgive instantly. for example when he would lie to me or do dishonest things to hurt the relationship, it would make me not trust him but he wanted me to forgive him and I would try but then he would do something else and I would just add that to list to bring up again in an argument. I felt like we had a friendship early on, he opened up and share things about his life, his pains, how he hurt others. Usually when you share your past with someone, you would think you are not that same person. He has never been faithful ( he says he never cheated on me). As time went on problems were the regular thing at our house, no sex, no respect, nothing really positive about the relationship. In spite of all that I never cheated I would talk talk and talk to him where I was really getting tired of hearing myself say the samethings as he was too. Now mind you those things he shared with me about his past I was experincing, he had to many open chapters of his life that were not closed with people that he cheated on others with did his dirt with etc. Away from not trusting there were countless of other issues. ( im going to share this with him but If I put specific issues he will get mad so Im keeping it general).Okay we are broken up at this point we moved out from our home, ( by the way we were together (6) years. Not living together seems to be kinda kool I visit I go home and we seemed to building a freindship, we made an agreement that other people were not the focus, and that if we started to see other people we would let each other know so we can deal with that reality if that comes. Well of course he moved quick and violated that agreement. I found out the hard, at that point we still communicating I arguing bitching mad as hell as him cause he once again violated an agreement. Closing- as of today he has rekindle a good amount of old flames the ones mentioned about the cheating the past hurt and how he hurt others and I know he can do what he wants but he tells me he loves me and when I attempt to cut if off he saids he does not want us to be like that, but I feel like a fool cause Im one of those band of ex's and how could he treat me like apart of track his record. He sent me a text the other day stating he loves me and he knows what I need and he will give me that thru text message. History has shown that he likes to communicate through text but when its time to talk he just looks at me and shuts down, go to the bathroom, look at his phone. Today i want to discuss what he text I talked he looked I left and I said its warm outside he said it 82 degrees. When back to chat later he said why can't we just hangout be friends and chill and dont mention the past anymore, I talked mentioned we can resolve if he owns his behavior and be realistic about how to heal and if you want me to come around you can't show the same behavior, I talked and talked and talked his phone rang we left ( he had to pick his son up) and that was it. I guess I want an objective opinion, he said how can we moved forward if he bringing up the past, which I guess he is telling me this is who I am take it or leave I like me as he said today there will be no drastic change. Please advise
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

It seems as if your ex-partner will never have good relationship. You will only have good moments.

He seems to be a narcissist - a manipulator who needs to have admiration from many sources, and needs to control and manipulate them.

Narcissists are the best manipulators and liars, and they always blame their victim and make them the perpetrator while they are always the victim.

The most difficult thing about a narcissist is that they do not, CANNOT, have empathy for others needs or feelings or pains or emotional. They may pretend they do, but it doesn't ever touch them. That is sociopathic behavior.

Here are the "official" criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).


Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(DSM IV - TR)

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitude

These people usually do not change so he is correct. Take him as he is, or leave him.

Let me recommend a couple of books on the subject: one telling how to understand them and one how to "divorce" them.

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson




Product Details

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy LCSW JD and Randi Kreger

 

This relationship is not working. I know that you love him and want it to work, but there is just not a way. He will not change even if he wants to.

 

He needs to have love conquests and people he can manipulate. He obviously has many good qualities, but as he implied or said, take him or leave him.

 

I wish I could give you a more hopeful reply, but gave you the honest one that you came here for.

 

I shall keep you in my prayers.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

 

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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