I've just logged on and I got your post. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX wanted to say Hi before I read it, though now it has gone by, I wish I'd read it before. I've had my head in the ground this week I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I have missed you so much but have been unable to log on.
I'm back now, not doing too well, I'll try to tell you in a few. How are you?
Thank you so much Kate,
that's a good idea, I'll look back (hey! it's nearly 2 years- wow!) over some old posts tomorrow :) I've just read my post above again and see that i have at least 2 sentences that were unfinished, left hanging. that's not like me, a sign of the muddle inside!
I am still finding it hard to come to terms with what he is really like, but wouldn't even be half way there if I didn't have so much support. When Helen was telling me what he had proposed, it was so matter of fact, she couldn't reveal how she felt, it was as if it was a totally normal thing for him to have asked for, that there would be no reason for me to question whether he was right or wrong, that was what he'd said and I should accept it. That really unnerved me. I wanted to go straight to Adele for her to sort my thoughts out, but I just put her in my head instead and heard her talking to me, telling me how utterly out of order and absurd he is.
Sam got his results for his January exams today. 2 x 'U' (unclassified) and a D. Not so good :(
Goodnight Kate. Talk tomorrow
I hope you are OK... I want to say something positive but can't... maybe why I couldn't write all week....
I'm crashing somewhat this week and dragging myself through just coping with what is necessary and trying to rest otherwise but not succeeding (I lie down and close my eyes for what seems like a long time but I don't feel better for it). I'm out of sleep meds and having bad bad nights, must see dr tomorrow but you know me.
I have an appointment with my solicitor and adele and work tomorrow, had my IPR today, been a year with Kitty, generally all positive but anything slightly on the negative side digs deep. And she asked me about mediation and that put me in a spin.
I've had the dogs with me today, taken them walking x2, had a shower this evening so no last walk on leads, put them out for a wee, and then they were gone!! I know they always go in the road (quiet country lane) but they're always by the gate, I can't keep them in there is no fence. But I heard Lola bark and went to call them in but they were nowhere, I walked up and down the road, whistling quietly, in my dressing gown, but they were nowhere. I could only think that D had taken them into the Barn, maybe heard her barking. I asked Poppy to phone him to see if he had them, praying that he did; well, he did, told Poppy they were in the road. I know they were, but I was so worried. I think I would have at least told him where they were. I had visions of him claiming custody of them bc I wasn't looking after them well enough, that I was careless and allowed them to run free.
I'll talk tomorrow if I can, or Friday if I deadbeat. How come I used to be able to write every day and now I can't? I am feeling overwhelmed with things I guess.
And Sam, I can't do anymore, I will try.... talk another day.
Dad is starting to push me to see his neighbour who is a retired family solicitor, but I just can't cope with that as well, I have to keep making excuses, and I'm not feeling well. Just want to lie down with my eyes closed but know I have to DO, too much to DO (but I am packed and sorted for the move).
Goodnight Kate, need ((( hugs ))) tonight.
thank you for your post; I'm feeling brighter today but have been busy with appointments (GP.... I did it! Adele, solicitor- I was on good form, quite surprised myself! I don't think I've talked so fluently in an age- my new young female solicitor, and she's on the ball- at last. I wonder why Mark wasn't delivering) which have all been positive for me. And I've just found an email that's been sitting in spam for days, almost a week, from Hannah saying she'll be down this weekend and I can have the keys a week early, and start moving my stuff over gradually. That has made me feel good. I will sleep well tonight, fingers crossed.
Goodnight Kate, and thanks for your supportive and understanding post, they always mean so much to me. I hear you :) Tomorrow is a me day.
just wanted to tell you I'm doing good! I can't remember as far back as Friday, but my weekends just get better! I was remembering earlier how much I hated weekends with being at home more, and D drinking so much and causing so much anguish, but that is in the past.
Today I met Hannah, she handed over, then I went home to gather some ready packed kitchen stuff and went back to the cottage. I de-cobwebbed and vacc'd, and wondered why it is only me that can see the cobwebs and dust!
But I forgot to take any cleaning clothes, so couldn't clean the cupboards and unpack what I'd taken, but it can wait til Tuesday. It's fun, another step in the right direction. Poppy came back from town and wanted to take 2 friends to show them her room. It's cool, needs a bit more attention, but it's just right for her. I've got to stop looking at chest of drawers on ebay and get some sleep!
Nice to talk Kate, thinking of you
I've tried to have an upbeat day with Alexis, thinking ahead to tomorrow when I'll be back at the cottage to get some more sorting done.
I got home at 5, parked up, still in my car, D had been watching out for me from the Barn garden. He came down the road to my car as I was still maneuvering with dogs, I didn’t want to get out, he stood waiting. I opened the car door and the dogs came to jump in with me, wet and muddy. I managed to keep them out, made a long fuss of them ignoring D before getting out of the car. He watched me, lent against the wall.
I got out, he told me he’d dismantled the aviary. Said your mum came round to the Barn garden with a wheelbarrow of manure and asked him if he could shovel it onto the veg patch. He’d said there isn’t much point is there? She’d said well we don’t know how long anything is going to take. He said (to me) I'm not happy with your parents, they haven’t spoken to me at all about the situation, if my parents were alive they’d be talking to you, they haven’t tried to help with reconciliation, i feel like a second class citizen, I used to respect them but now i don’t. i don’t want them in the veg garden any more. why not? I just don’t. I said you can’t keep them from it...... you are very ungrateful......He said it was a gift, to BOTH OF US, they have nothing to do with it, i don’t want them here again. I’m going to cultivate it, tidy everything up. He said dad had said there are a lot of things he should have done.
thank you. I thought of calling the police (after he'd gone) but just couldn't bear the thought of dealing with it all, easier just to stuff it away and try to forget. Adele said that I seemed to handle it with more strength and didn't seem upset by it. I am upset for my parents really, guilty even that they won't be welcome in their veg garden. Dad was rather quiet today, I wonder what he was thinking.
I'm really busy this week, have been spending my free daytime at the cottage cleaning and sorting. It's coming on well, and I have bought some lengths of 'beading' to finish off the edges in Poppy's room, and searched out the paint in the loft so I can make a better job. Disappointing that the builder couldn't have been a bit more thorough, but it's not something I'll need help with I hope. I have asked Cathy's partner if he can put up some shelves in Poppy's room, just need to get them, and a bit of carpet or rug for her.
I am exhausted, can't drop off to sleep easily, head too busy, this morning I woke at 5 with a dead and painful arm and no matter what I did I couldn't relieve it so had to get up and make a coffee! So now I'm suffering. But I have worked this pm, and packed more this evening, and helped Poppy with her homework (she had her traintrack braces fitted yesterday, doing well so far).
She came home from school, had a lift up from the bus with D and Mark, came in saying she was going shopping with D at 10am on Saturday morning. I said I had hoped she'd help with the moving, but I held all my other feelings at bay. Maybe I'm being mean thinking he's doing that to get at me, maybe he's taking her out bc he needs to take his mind off us going. I don't know, but I was sad she wouldn't be here to do the move with us. I have Gemma and Cathy and Bob, and after she thought about it for a little while (I think she hadn't made the moving connection) she said she wouldn't be long shopping, and she can help with the unpacking when she gets back. True.
I had a collection of veg trimmings in a container that I kept meaning to take up for the rabbit. I said so to Poppy. She gasped and looked at me, said the rabbit is dead. I said when? Yesterday. He been out of the aviary for just a day, and I know he didn't just die bc his time was up. But I have nothing to show, and I daren't ask, but Poppy did say, well he was old, and dad WAS feeding him, but maybe the dogs got him. We will never know. Well, I guess I don't need to worry anymore.
Early night tonight, desperate for sleep
I'm just diving into my parents to borrow their internet as we are without til4th April :( Never mind, plenty to do. Just wanted to say hi and that the move has gone well, albeit with a call from the holiday cottage owners at 2.30 asking me to get it ready for guests by 6pm!! I was sent into a mad panic but had 5 helpers and we did it with 3 mins to spare! I had a fair bit still to move out by this time, the beds, everything! I was so lucky to have helpers, I would have had melt down without.
I will write soon with more updates. D is quiet, Poppy went to town with him on Saturday but he didn't ask to come in.
And I have had to deal with village rumours that we are getting divorced bc I'm having an affair with Mark, Poppy came and asked me one eve last week bc her friend's mum had asked her (her friend) and she asked Poppy. Anywaay more on that another time....
Glad to talk, if just for a few mins
Hope all is welll wtih you
Happy Easter! I'm online at long last, just discovered a hotspot close by- who'd have thought it in the middle of nowhere! I'll tune in properly in a day or two once I'm feeling a bit more settled- this last week has gone by in a flash of stress but I'm feeling better today, able to sit still and watch the tv for a bit. The cottage is great and I have striven to make it just so, just for Poppy and me, just us, at the moment. Sam brings stress with him instantly, Poppy doesn't really want him to come and 'live' here, but we shall have to see what happens
Hope you are OK Kate, I've been thinking about you daily, missing you.
Catch up real soon
:) How are you?
I've been thinking of you so much.... it seems so hard to write.... I have been intolerably stressed, last week, really felt I would crack, am through it now but was at a point of not thinking rationally and putting my life at risk to please another, feeling responsible and terribly guilty to be inconveniencing holiday guests at the cottage bc I hadn't been monitoring the oil level carefully enough and allowing it to run empty. I can't believe I spent an hour attempting to orally siphon kerosene from my own tank into fuel cans to add to their empty tank. I tried and tried for ages, it was so hard to drag it up through 3 meters of garden hose from the bottom of my deep tank- mine was nearly empty too. I would have kept on and on trying if my mother hadn't come and stopped me- I think she thought I'd gone crazy, I felt that way, it makes me feel terribly stressed thinking about it, and the rest of the week to follow sorting the mess out and complaints from the guests. I didn't know how I would get through and thought I can't do it can't cope with what has to follow, but somehow i did.
i feel better this week but have no faith in me and am feeling down though Adele said I was more buoyant yesterday (maybe bc I'd had a nice day with the kids bc it was my b'day) When things begin to get sorted then I turn in on me, why is that? I had another mediation session on Tuesday which wasn't much fun, i was muddled as to what i could share and what i had to keep to myself, i struggled with emotive stuff but felt i had to tell them, especially when they were suggesting that poppy might want to go and live with D, i had to tell them how and why i had had to take Poppy from the home and him as she was so disturbed, i was shaking and tears streaming and struggled to be coherent but i think they understood- i just wanted them to read something i had written for my solicitor which explained what i was trying to say but they said they couldn't read it unless i was happy for them to repeat it to D. I was so locked up with being scared about sharing stuff it seemed a stupid waste of time, and we only have one more session to go and i don't know what happens after that.
Anyway we both have to get valuations on the property (at LAST) and D is getting estimates from a 3x 3rd parties for the proposed (by D) work to the Barn (I wasn't asked, but I plan to otherwise they will be biased) So I feel I am getting somewhere with things but I could have got to this point without mediators I feel, glad we aren't paying for it.
My little cottage is lovely, getting sorted. Cathy's partner Bob is coming back early next week to finish off a few things in Poppy's room. She has taken me shopping and we have a few new things to Christen the cottage with, and I have a new mattress! Sam's room is nice enough for him, and I have had a chance to chat with him about what will happen once the Barn is sold and he said he'll come live with us (but that will be stressful in itself!)
I'm so glad to be writing, I have felt very wobbly all day, don't really get why I have come down so fast from apparent buoyancy yesterday, I just need to get a grip again....
D has showed up here a couple of times, and at the holiday cottage last weekend when he just walked straight though the house to the kitchen, and started to tell me how wrong and bad psychology is (he'd been talking to an 'ex- psych'.. something who had spent 9 years in it and now didn't believe in it at all) Just another one of his attempts at making me think I'm wrong and at fault. I don't think that. I know I'm right. The mediator came back from seeing D at the beginning of the session and said we couldn't be further apart with our feelings about this divorce.
Oh wow it's got really late, must get to bed and talk again tomorrow.
Hugs after all this time (((()))) :)
it feels so good to be talking to you again, it makes me feel comforted. :)
I am having ridiculous problems with my phone/broadband provider and won't be connected til May 2nd now as I have just learned they cancelled my order the day after I made it almost 4 weeks ago. It has cost me much to get hotspot wifi and lots of anxiety and phonecalls to call centres in (sounds like) India (for British Telecom!), but I am just taking a deep breath and saying these things happen. I will try to get some sort of recompense but have no idea where to start.
It's raining today, after a lovely spring day yesterday. Poppy and I are doing the holiday let changeover in a little while, I hope it is left better than the last 2 sets of guests, at least there is no dog to clear up after this week!!!
Talk later Kate, I'm smiling :)
I've had an OK day, cottage change over with Poppy which went fine. I have the dogs this evening which is rare, Lola has been all over me she misses me, I have no idea what will happen when the Barn is sold and D moves on. I have 3 property valuation appointments lined up for next week and have left D a note to ask him to be away while I am there. I've just emailed them (the agents) to explain the situation a little, the house will be a mess and thought it as well to warn them upfront. He is to get his own 3 valuations, but I won't be holding my breath!
Best to bed.... the wifi hotspot doesn't reach up the stairs!
Goodnight my friend Kate, feeling good :) more together, thank you
I hope you have had a good week, I'm really sorry and sad to hear about the bombing on Boston but thank goodness the lad has been found at last. I hope things settle down soon.
It feels so good to talk to you Kate :) Thank you.
Sorry I meant to add how Sam's appointment went- (only got a report via text!)- Dr said probably nothing to worry about, so that is a real relief. I will keep a check on him.
I think I'll have a chat with my solicitor before the last mediation session, I have to be totally prepared, and not let emotions into it at all bc they jam me up and I waste time. I don't want to lose my momentum so will get another appointment set up with the mediators- they will have to get D moving by making the last session. He will just do nothing otherwise.
I forgot to say- last weekend he sent my post down with Sam one evening, and selotaped to the middle envelope was a scrap of paper which had written 'The definition of psychology by Gene Zimmer- Google'.I knew he had found something online which he felt explained something he wanted to get at me about, don’t know what, but he has always been against me having therapy. I didn't want to Google it, I asked K if she knew what it was about, she had a look for me, it’s a site against psychiatry/ ology- says ‘say NO to psychiatry’ and ‘foundation for truth and reality’ I have had a look at the page but not read it.
I'm really distressed, I've just written so much to you, about my therapy, and it's lost forever, it's bc my internet connection is so bad, I don't know if I can do it again, maybe tomorrow when I'm feeling better, not good today. So it's late and I must abed, try again tomorrow