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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
sounds good
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hi Hilary Rose! I came across this article and thought this might help you in your preparation for Friday:

http://www.mainlinedivorcemediator.com/healthy-divorce-blog/bid/86175/6-EASY-TIPS-IN-PREPARING-FOR-YOUR-FIRST-DIVORCE-MEDIATION-SESSION

I hope you are having a good day! Talk to you later,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh Kate,


I've just logged on and I got your post. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX wanted to say Hi before I read it, though now it has gone by, I wish I'd read it before. I've had my head in the ground this week I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I have missed you so much but have been unable to log on.


I'm back now, not doing too well, I'll try to tell you in a few. How are you?


Hilary Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Doing well here, thank you Hilary Rose!

I've missed you too. We must be on the same wavelength because I was just thinking about you today wondering if all went well for you with the mediation. Fill me in when you feel up to it.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Kate,

I am.. confused.. don’t know whether there will be another meeting, it was all rather rushed at the end, we were late starting, then the next client arrived and i didn’t have a debrief from the lawyer mediator, maybe they thought it would be just too hard to come to an agreement, mediator Helen was rather vague at the end, said have a think about what he (D) has said, and if I want, to let them know about having another meeting, see how I feel after I have let his propositions sink in... .

I know they can’t advise or give opinions, that was really hard. I really struggled and maybe took longer than they had time for, but I did warn them...

So, We achieved little. I have given notice to D that I’m moving stuff from the barn at 11am on March 23rd and have asked him not to be in attendance- granted- and he has the list of stuff I am going to take.

I talked about the added family value from my parents, and that went to D (I had it listed and signed by my dad);, he will not accept anything less than half. (They have put in £60k, including the value of the barn and land- that's in old money (20 years ago)

He says the Barn needs £8,000 spending on it, I said what for? He agreed with my list which was mainly decorative and tidying and a bit of carpentry and plastering (tiny bits, he could do everything himself), he said to pay himself (bc he won’t be working elsewhere to earn money), and (probably) Mark, and materials. His plan is for me to come up with the money, give it to him, he does the work, the Barn is sold, and I recoup the £8k on top of my share.

He told them that he wouldn’t do the work without me coming up with the money. That was the end of the meeting so I don’t feel any better off, and that he has dominated the proceedings by saying what he wants (apart from me having the divorce- he told them he doesn't want any of this to happen, so why should he give in to me?)

I don’t want to borrow the money, I want the Barn evaluated as it is, and ask the Estate agent what the difference these works would have on the house value. I don’t want to give HIM the money. But now I don’t know what is happening, I’m up in the air and falling, uncomforted, gutted. I guess I should wait to hear from them as to what happens next.

I wonder if there is any point in this mediation. I need to speak to my solicitor.I felt terrible inside, my head was a mess, came home and saw the dogs through the barn window wanting to come to me but I couldn't even see them.

Mum came down with a letter from my solicitor, stood in my doorway, said something terrible has happened........ OMG... what??? She said Sonia is DEAD! (The ‘other’ woman in my aunt’s scenario who was to buy her cottage so we could pay for her care home...), they were going to exchange on my aunt’s cottage that day, now we don’t know what! She said as if we don’t have ENOUGH!! (Dad has just had dx further skin ca (new ‘type’- VERY rare, –Pagets- took 2 years to reach dx. Sigh)-

I couldn’t believe how she told me (about Sonia), she said it’s almost laughable!! – but then she said she does feel sorry for her of course, but was mostly concerned that the transaction didn’t take place before she died (they only found out via their solicitor), and that it might take years before the money was given over. At least she has signed on the dotted line.

I have to say I was shocked that she was dead, not young, but fit(ish) and well. Maybe the stress.....

My solicitor’s letter was telling me the legal aid system was being reshuffled from April 1st, and if I wanted to claim Public Funding to go to court I’d have to apply by March 15th (a week hence) I emailed mediator Helen, asked if they would tell me sooner if they thought mediation was a non-starter, I was just so confused, and now didn't know whether I should go to court to get him sorted, but that would be more expense, and was I shooting myself in the foot by not giving him the money if he'd agreed to 'give' it back when the Barn was sold. The lawyer mediator emailed to say that I should wait for his letter which will be sent on Monday before making a decision about pulling out of mediation, but that of course the decision was entirely mine. I am so in need of advice, it feels uncomfortable to hear I must decide, but I have talked with my parents, and we are of the same mind- that I will not advance him £8,000 to work on the barn (so he doesn’t have to look for work himself, and he can take as long as he likes, and he still has a home rent free until it’s done), and I will have to find out if I can get an estate agent to value without his approval. I need to ask the agent whether spending £8k (where he got that figure from I don’t know- it just needs decorating and a bit of finishing off, nothing structural at all)

The Barn is a mess. Oh yes, I asked the mediators to put to D that he should spend my rightful 'share' of the lodger income on decoration, but I didn't hear his response to that, I'll have to wait for the letter.

So all in all I was rather dissatisfied with it all, and left in a mix, but I have worked some through, wondering how he can continue to thrash me and squeeze me and apparently not feel anything. How come I never really knew this man?????

I have spent as much time as I can while he's been at work this week (yes, really, 2 days of work!) to get everything I want out of the Barn, I have been back again today for the last few small things, the bits of furniture I want (which I have listed for him, they are from my family originally). He was out by late morning, I took the dogs, he's still not back, 9pm, they'd have been alone and unfed, all day, for far too many hours. I went to check the rabbit, he was DESPERATE for food, not had any since I fed him on Wednesday (no evidence), but he had water. Mediator Helen asked me about the animals, asked if I could have the dogs, with me, I said I wasn't really meant to but I would as much as I could, and I wanted it to be something we talked about. She asked me if I xcould take the rabbit, or my parents (she asked if they could have the dogs too, obviously concerned for their welfare- I'd told her all the budgies were gone.) So I've been wondering what to do with the rabbit, and must make some inquiries. And he doesn't appear to be bothered about the dogs, though I had them for 2 days in the week, took Rubin to the groomers for his poodle trim and took them back the following morning. Rubin went in straight away, Lola wanted to play so stayed outside. I went into the Barn to get something and he came up the stairs before I could leave again, and picked Rubin up, asked me fiercely where Lola was.

They will have to come with me, I just can't leave them with him......

I've said enough for now. I was going to 'edit' the price for this Q, but I'd rather pay you a bonus :) Sorry it's so long and says so much, I'm sure that's only half of it!

Thank you Kate. I'm going to your link now, see what I should have known yesterday!

Hilary Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It sounds like Dave is using the mediation to try to get money out of you and upset you. And he succeeded in doing just that. I agree with you, talking to your attorney and possibly getting out of the mediation sounds like a great idea. It's too hard to mediate with someone who is only looking out for themselves. And figuring that Dave might have a personality disorder, he is going to see this mediation not as a way to compromise, but as a way to get what he can for himself. Your attorney is there to protect you from such things so seeing what he has to say is a great idea.

I'm sorry to hear about Sonia! Wow, that is a surprise. I hope things get sorted out soon with your aunt's house.

It sounds like Dave has really kept up his same behavior and as Adele said, stepped it up to try to get at you. It may help you to try to offset all this stress with some escape time or just even doing something different like you have done before. Dave has pulled you into his world and you are caught in much of his crazy behavior. Caring for animals that he doesn't even bother to feed (which is criminal behavior), trying to take advantage of you, wearing you down with trying to get your things out of the Barn when he is not there and basically making your life difficult. Being under that much stress plus just daily life is going to where you down.

Your question of how come you never knew this man is very interesting. It really says how far you have grown from where you used to be in your marriage. It might help boost your spirits to go back and re read some of your older posts before you left Dave just to see all you have accomplished, because it is a lot!

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much, Hilary Rose! I appreciate the positive rating and the very generous bonus. You are very kind :) Let me know how things go for you.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much Kate,


that's a good idea, I'll look back (hey! it's nearly 2 years- wow!) over some old posts tomorrow :) I've just read my post above again and see that i have at least 2 sentences that were unfinished, left hanging. that's not like me, a sign of the muddle inside!


I am still finding it hard to come to terms with what he is really like, but wouldn't even be half way there if I didn't have so much support. When Helen was telling me what he had proposed, it was so matter of fact, she couldn't reveal how she felt, it was as if it was a totally normal thing for him to have asked for, that there would be no reason for me to question whether he was right or wrong, that was what he'd said and I should accept it. That really unnerved me. I wanted to go straight to Adele for her to sort my thoughts out, but I just put her in my head instead and heard her talking to me, telling me how utterly out of order and absurd he is.


Sam got his results for his January exams today. 2 x 'U' (unclassified) and a D. Not so good :(


Goodnight Kate. Talk tomorrow


Hugs


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Sorry to hear about Sam. He might be motivated by his results. Sometimes that is how it works.

Let me know how it goes with your old posts. I suspect you will be happy with your progress :)

Good for you for pulling on what Adele has talked to you about. She is absolutely right!

Good night Hilary Rose. Many (((((hugs)))))!

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate,


I hope you are OK... I want to say something positive but can't... maybe why I couldn't write all week....


I'm crashing somewhat this week and dragging myself through just coping with what is necessary and trying to rest otherwise but not succeeding (I lie down and close my eyes for what seems like a long time but I don't feel better for it). I'm out of sleep meds and having bad bad nights, must see dr tomorrow but you know me.


I have an appointment with my solicitor and adele and work tomorrow, had my IPR today, been a year with Kitty, generally all positive but anything slightly on the negative side digs deep. And she asked me about mediation and that put me in a spin.


I've had the dogs with me today, taken them walking x2, had a shower this evening so no last walk on leads, put them out for a wee, and then they were gone!! I know they always go in the road (quiet country lane) but they're always by the gate, I can't keep them in there is no fence. But I heard Lola bark and went to call them in but they were nowhere, I walked up and down the road, whistling quietly, in my dressing gown, but they were nowhere. I could only think that D had taken them into the Barn, maybe heard her barking. I asked Poppy to phone him to see if he had them, praying that he did; well, he did, told Poppy they were in the road. I know they were, but I was so worried. I think I would have at least told him where they were. I had visions of him claiming custody of them bc I wasn't looking after them well enough, that I was careless and allowed them to run free.


I'll talk tomorrow if I can, or Friday if I deadbeat. How come I used to be able to write every day and now I can't? I am feeling overwhelmed with things I guess.


And Sam, I can't do anymore, I will try.... talk another day.


Dad is starting to push me to see his neighbour who is a retired family solicitor, but I just can't cope with that as well, I have to keep making excuses, and I'm not feeling well. Just want to lie down with my eyes closed but know I have to DO, too much to DO (but I am packed and sorted for the move).


Goodnight Kate, need ((( hugs ))) tonight.


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hi Hilary Rose! It's good to hear from you.

I agree, it does sound like you are very overwhelmed. With all the things you have been doing the past few weeks, it makes a lot of sense you would feel this way.

You mentioned many times all the demands Dave has had of you, especially during the mediation. There is always a sense of the unknown and fear going into something like a mediation. But you have had to face your own abuser. Dave hurt you for so many years in very horrible ways. He violated your space, your emotional well being and your ability just to be who you are. He almost took everything. Now you are forced to mediate with him. No one wants to be in the same room having to negotiate with someone who hurt them so badly. So when you see it in that light, it makes so much sense why you feel as you do.

There is too much bad compared to the good right now. Until Dave is finally out of your life, you may be maintaining the best you can. It might be a good time to try to do something to get away from the situation for a while. I know it's so hard because you have a lot going on, but if at all possible, it may be worth a few days away.

Not being able to talk about what you feel is natural. It seems like you are just so overwhelmed that putting your feelings into words might be too hard right now. You may need time to process it all and with how busy you are, that can be hard to do.

Give yourself some time. And try to be your own best friend. If you can't get away for some "me" time, try to take short breaks and do something nice for you. Soon this will work itself out and you can recover all the way.

Good night, Hilary Rose. Many ((((((((hugs)))))))) to you!

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


thank you for your post; I'm feeling brighter today but have been busy with appointments (GP.... I did it! Adele, solicitor- I was on good form, quite surprised myself! I don't think I've talked so fluently in an age- my new young female solicitor, and she's on the ball- at last. I wonder why Mark wasn't delivering) which have all been positive for me. And I've just found an email that's been sitting in spam for days, almost a week, from Hannah saying she'll be down this weekend and I can have the keys a week early, and start moving my stuff over gradually. That has made me feel good. I will sleep well tonight, fingers crossed.


Goodnight Kate, and thanks for your supportive and understanding post, they always mean so much to me. I hear you :) Tomorrow is a me day.


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I'm glad things went so well for you! I just had to smile reading all about it. Things can never stay down for long when you are trying so hard like you do.

Good night, sleep well! Enjoy your day tomorrow. You earned it :)

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


just wanted to tell you I'm doing good! I can't remember as far back as Friday, but my weekends just get better! I was remembering earlier how much I hated weekends with being at home more, and D drinking so much and causing so much anguish, but that is in the past.


Today I met Hannah, she handed over, then I went home to gather some ready packed kitchen stuff and went back to the cottage. I de-cobwebbed and vacc'd, and wondered why it is only me that can see the cobwebs and dust!


But I forgot to take any cleaning clothes, so couldn't clean the cupboards and unpack what I'd taken, but it can wait til Tuesday. It's fun, another step in the right direction. Poppy came back from town and wanted to take 2 friends to show them her room. It's cool, needs a bit more attention, but it's just right for her. I've got to stop looking at chest of drawers on ebay and get some sleep!


Nice to talk Kate, thinking of you


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

Thanks for the update. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. Next time you get a chance, let's catch up :) I've been thinking of you as well.

Katexx

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


I've tried to have an upbeat day with Alexis, thinking ahead to tomorrow when I'll be back at the cottage to get some more sorting done.


I got home at 5, parked up, still in my car, D had been watching out for me from the Barn garden. He came down the road to my car as I was still maneuvering with dogs, I didn’t want to get out, he stood waiting. I opened the car door and the dogs came to jump in with me, wet and muddy. I managed to keep them out, made a long fuss of them ignoring D before getting out of the car. He watched me, lent against the wall.


I got out, he told me he’d dismantled the aviary. Said your mum came round to the Barn garden with a wheelbarrow of manure and asked him if he could shovel it onto the veg patch. He’d said there isn’t much point is there? She’d said well we don’t know how long anything is going to take. He said (to me) I'm not happy with your parents, they haven’t spoken to me at all about the situation, if my parents were alive they’d be talking to you, they haven’t tried to help with reconciliation, i feel like a second class citizen, I used to respect them but now i don’t. i don’t want them in the veg garden any more. why not? I just don’t. I said you can’t keep them from it...... you are very ungrateful......He said it was a gift, to BOTH OF US, they have nothing to do with it, i don’t want them here again. I’m going to cultivate it, tidy everything up. He said dad had said there are a lot of things he should have done.


They don’t talk to me about it. I said they didn’t know anything about anything until a short while ago. Well you obviously talk to them about it now. I said of course I do.

He was an angry man. Raised voice in the road outside my cottage, people walking up the road. The dogs wanted to come in with me but I couldn't deal with them just then, muddy as they were, I hadn't even been home and I was wanting to get food and Poppy was hoping to go to the cottage to sort out her bed. I just put it straight out of my mind and got on, stuffed it as I used to do. I know it's only a few more days, I can keep going.

But later this evening after being at the new cottage and thinking about shelving for Poppy's room, I remembered there were some shelves just cast aside with the wood pile (at the Barn) and I wanted to check them out, it was dark so took a torch. He hadn't told me what he'd done with the rabbit (he lived in the aviary) so I wanted to see him too. He is in a run with his hutch, just a low fence, maybe 18 inches high, around him. I hope he's still there in the morning- what about the dogs, foxes??? What can I do???(D must have seen me out there with a torch, I could see him in the lit Barn kitchen looking out at me, but standing back so he wasn't obvious. He didn't know I saw him watching me) I was glad to be home again.

Sigh...

It's late, there is so much going round in my head, I was hoping for a little respite this week. I'm trying to focus on the new cottage.

I'm having a cortisol injection into my thumb tendons (tenosinovitis) tomorrow morning at the GP surgery. I've been taking anti-inflammatories regularly since last week but I have been struggling with it and pain in general. I hope the injection won't make it worse before it gets better, I have so much to do.

Best sleep. Nice to talk, goodnight Kate

Hilary Rosexx
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I am sorry that Dave is still at it with you. It sounds like he has no intention of stopping either. At this point, it's not clear what he is trying to get out of the situation by continually harassing you.

As you were describing his behavior watching you, that was a bit frightening to me. It sounds like he keeps taking this a step further each time he harasses you. I was also wondering what you felt about calling for help. If he is yelling at you in front of everyone else, then it may mean that he does not care who sees him abusing you and harassing you. That lack of self awareness about how bizarre and frightening his behavior is may indicate that he is escalating to the point of being dangerous. It may be a good idea next time to contact the police, even if you just see him watching you from a distance. At this point, they have enough on him to make an issue out of any harassing behavior he has towards you.

It's understandable that you are used to Dave treating you this way and that his behavior may not seem outside of normal. But as you describe it, it sounds very threatening. If you have not already, you might want to talk to Adele about this as well just to get her impression.

Stay safe, Hilary Rose. I worry about how far Dave might go with his anger.

Sleep well and take care of yourself,

Katexx

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


thank you. I thought of calling the police (after he'd gone) but just couldn't bear the thought of dealing with it all, easier just to stuff it away and try to forget. Adele said that I seemed to handle it with more strength and didn't seem upset by it. I am upset for my parents really, guilty even that they won't be welcome in their veg garden. Dad was rather quiet today, I wonder what he was thinking.


I'm really busy this week, have been spending my free daytime at the cottage cleaning and sorting. It's coming on well, and I have bought some lengths of 'beading' to finish off the edges in Poppy's room, and searched out the paint in the loft so I can make a better job. Disappointing that the builder couldn't have been a bit more thorough, but it's not something I'll need help with I hope. I have asked Cathy's partner if he can put up some shelves in Poppy's room, just need to get them, and a bit of carpet or rug for her.


I am exhausted, can't drop off to sleep easily, head too busy, this morning I woke at 5 with a dead and painful arm and no matter what I did I couldn't relieve it so had to get up and make a coffee! So now I'm suffering. But I have worked this pm, and packed more this evening, and helped Poppy with her homework (she had her traintrack braces fitted yesterday, doing well so far).


She came home from school, had a lift up from the bus with D and Mark, came in saying she was going shopping with D at 10am on Saturday morning. I said I had hoped she'd help with the moving, but I held all my other feelings at bay. Maybe I'm being mean thinking he's doing that to get at me, maybe he's taking her out bc he needs to take his mind off us going. I don't know, but I was sad she wouldn't be here to do the move with us. I have Gemma and Cathy and Bob, and after she thought about it for a little while (I think she hadn't made the moving connection) she said she wouldn't be long shopping, and she can help with the unpacking when she gets back. True.


I had a collection of veg trimmings in a container that I kept meaning to take up for the rabbit. I said so to Poppy. She gasped and looked at me, said the rabbit is dead. I said when? Yesterday. He been out of the aviary for just a day, and I know he didn't just die bc his time was up. But I have nothing to show, and I daren't ask, but Poppy did say, well he was old, and dad WAS feeding him, but maybe the dogs got him. We will never know. Well, I guess I don't need to worry anymore.


Early night tonight, desperate for sleep


Goodnight Kate


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you are so very busy with the move! I imagine it is not easy to do all that work mostly on your own. Even if it's a good thing to be moving to such a lovely place, the stress can still get to you. It'll be nice when you are settled and can start getting more time for yourself to rest and relax.

I hope your Dad is doing ok. Maybe he was just thoughtful today and didn't feel much like talking. It is sad they won't be welcome in the vegetable garden. Dave has brought so many sad and disappointing things into your lives.

I hope your arm is feeling better. Sorry to hear that you were in such pain. Is it due to your fibro or do you think it was because of all the lifting and moving you have done lately?

Poppy with braces! Oh my. That's a coincidence. My daughter is getting her braces off tomorrow morning after 2 years with them. She is so excited :) Braces are a pain but having straight teeth the rest of your life is so nice.

It's not easy to interpret Dave's intentions with Poppy. Hopefully, he is doing this for good and not just to get back at you. Although not out of character for him, that still would be very sad, using your own child that way.

I'm sorry to hear about your bunny. It's sad when a pet passes.

I hope you are able to get a good night's sleep tonight. It could be that you are just overtired and can't relax when you do have the chance. Hopefully once the official move is over, things will settle down for you.

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Kate,


I'm just diving into my parents to borrow their internet as we are without til4th April :( Never mind, plenty to do. Just wanted to say hi and that the move has gone well, albeit with a call from the holiday cottage owners at 2.30 asking me to get it ready for guests by 6pm!! I was sent into a mad panic but had 5 helpers and we did it with 3 mins to spare! I had a fair bit still to move out by this time, the beds, everything! I was so lucky to have helpers, I would have had melt down without.


I will write soon with more updates. D is quiet, Poppy went to town with him on Saturday but he didn't ask to come in.


And I have had to deal with village rumours that we are getting divorced bc I'm having an affair with Mark, Poppy came and asked me one eve last week bc her friend's mum had asked her (her friend) and she asked Poppy. Anywaay more on that another time....


Glad to talk, if just for a few mins


Hope all is welll wtih you


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It's good to hear from you! You have been on my mind wondering how you have been. We can catch up whenever you have time.

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate


Happy Easter! I'm online at long last, just discovered a hotspot close by- who'd have thought it in the middle of nowhere! I'll tune in properly in a day or two once I'm feeling a bit more settled- this last week has gone by in a flash of stress but I'm feeling better today, able to sit still and watch the tv for a bit. The cottage is great and I have striven to make it just so, just for Poppy and me, just us, at the moment. Sam brings stress with him instantly, Poppy doesn't really want him to come and 'live' here, but we shall have to see what happens


Hope you are OK Kate, I've been thinking about you daily, missing you.


Catch up real soon


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

Happy Easter to you too, though a day late :) Glad to hear things are going well. It'll be great to catch up.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate,


:) How are you?


I've been thinking of you so much.... it seems so hard to write.... I have been intolerably stressed, last week, really felt I would crack, am through it now but was at a point of not thinking rationally and putting my life at risk to please another, feeling responsible and terribly guilty to be inconveniencing holiday guests at the cottage bc I hadn't been monitoring the oil level carefully enough and allowing it to run empty. I can't believe I spent an hour attempting to orally siphon kerosene from my own tank into fuel cans to add to their empty tank. I tried and tried for ages, it was so hard to drag it up through 3 meters of garden hose from the bottom of my deep tank- mine was nearly empty too. I would have kept on and on trying if my mother hadn't come and stopped me- I think she thought I'd gone crazy, I felt that way, it makes me feel terribly stressed thinking about it, and the rest of the week to follow sorting the mess out and complaints from the guests. I didn't know how I would get through and thought I can't do it can't cope with what has to follow, but somehow i did.


i feel better this week but have no faith in me and am feeling down though Adele said I was more buoyant yesterday (maybe bc I'd had a nice day with the kids bc it was my b'day) When things begin to get sorted then I turn in on me, why is that? I had another mediation session on Tuesday which wasn't much fun, i was muddled as to what i could share and what i had to keep to myself, i struggled with emotive stuff but felt i had to tell them, especially when they were suggesting that poppy might want to go and live with D, i had to tell them how and why i had had to take Poppy from the home and him as she was so disturbed, i was shaking and tears streaming and struggled to be coherent but i think they understood- i just wanted them to read something i had written for my solicitor which explained what i was trying to say but they said they couldn't read it unless i was happy for them to repeat it to D. I was so locked up with being scared about sharing stuff it seemed a stupid waste of time, and we only have one more session to go and i don't know what happens after that.


Anyway we both have to get valuations on the property (at LAST) and D is getting estimates from a 3x 3rd parties for the proposed (by D) work to the Barn (I wasn't asked, but I plan to otherwise they will be biased) So I feel I am getting somewhere with things but I could have got to this point without mediators I feel, glad we aren't paying for it.


My little cottage is lovely, getting sorted. Cathy's partner Bob is coming back early next week to finish off a few things in Poppy's room. She has taken me shopping and we have a few new things to Christen the cottage with, and I have a new mattress! Sam's room is nice enough for him, and I have had a chance to chat with him about what will happen once the Barn is sold and he said he'll come live with us (but that will be stressful in itself!)


I'm so glad to be writing, I have felt very wobbly all day, don't really get why I have come down so fast from apparent buoyancy yesterday, I just need to get a grip again....


D has showed up here a couple of times, and at the holiday cottage last weekend when he just walked straight though the house to the kitchen, and started to tell me how wrong and bad psychology is (he'd been talking to an 'ex- psych'.. something who had spent 9 years in it and now didn't believe in it at all) Just another one of his attempts at making me think I'm wrong and at fault. I don't think that. I know I'm right. The mediator came back from seeing D at the beginning of the session and said we couldn't be further apart with our feelings about this divorce.


Oh wow it's got really late, must get to bed and talk again tomorrow.


Goodnight Kate


Hugs after all this time (((()))) :)


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello Hilary Rose! It's wonderful to hear from you. You have been on my mind so much lately. I'm glad you wrote.

Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad you had a fun time with Poppy and Sam. You certainly deserve a good day.

I'm glad to hear that your mom was there to help support you with the holiday guests situation. You were going above and beyond it sounds like, to the point of hurting yourself. I think a lot of that comes from the need to please others to feel like you are worth something. As a child, you learned that you did not have value unless your mom was pleased with you which, from what you have told me, does not seem to have ever happened. It is sort of ironic that she was the one to stop you as you were trying to please the holiday guests. It shows that at some point, even she recognizes that you do not have to put yourself at risk just to make others happy.

Turning on yourself is part of that same thought pattern. You learned that you are not ok so being self critical, especially when all is well, keeps you on edge and mimics that feeling from your past where nothing was ever ok and safe. You were never allowed to just "be". You had to be juggling your parents issues and deal with being told you are not worth anything. Building your self esteem can address those feelings. It can take a bit of work and time, but it is well worth it.

It sounds like the mediation is not helping you achieve the goals you want, which is to get away from Dave. I agree, it sounds like you could accomplish these things without the addition interference of mediation. Maybe it's something to pass by your attorney. The fastest route to getting Dave out of your life is the best. It's not like you are going to change your mind anyway and suddenly decide to stay with him.

It's hard to believe that he is still harassing you. Coming to your new place and barging in to berate you is uncalled for and is harassment. If he does it again, how do you feel about calling the police? It may be the only way to stop him.

It's great to talk with you again Hilary Rose and get caught up. I'm glad you are getting settled in your new place. I hope this situation with Dave gets resolved soon so you can look forward to enjoying your life in peace.

Good night! Many hugs to you! (((((((((()))))))))))

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dear Kate,


it feels so good to be talking to you again, it makes me feel comforted. :)


I am having ridiculous problems with my phone/broadband provider and won't be connected til May 2nd now as I have just learned they cancelled my order the day after I made it almost 4 weeks ago. It has cost me much to get hotspot wifi and lots of anxiety and phonecalls to call centres in (sounds like) India (for British Telecom!), but I am just taking a deep breath and saying these things happen. I will try to get some sort of recompense but have no idea where to start.


It's raining today, after a lovely spring day yesterday. Poppy and I are doing the holiday let changeover in a little while, I hope it is left better than the last 2 sets of guests, at least there is no dog to clear up after this week!!!


Talk later Kate, I'm smiling :)


Hilary Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It makes me smile too just to get a chance to talk with you. Sorry to hear about your internet trouble. Isn't it funny how technology is supposed to make your life so easy and it ends up taking as much time as anything else? :)

I hope you are having a great day! Talk with you soon,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate,


I've had an OK day, cottage change over with Poppy which went fine. I have the dogs this evening which is rare, Lola has been all over me she misses me, I have no idea what will happen when the Barn is sold and D moves on. I have 3 property valuation appointments lined up for next week and have left D a note to ask him to be away while I am there. I've just emailed them (the agents) to explain the situation a little, the house will be a mess and thought it as well to warn them upfront. He is to get his own 3 valuations, but I won't be holding my breath!


Best to bed.... the wifi hotspot doesn't reach up the stairs!


Goodnight my friend Kate, feeling good :) more together, thank you


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I hope you had a good night! Let me know how it goes with the property valuations. Sounds like things are moving forward, which is a good thing.

Enjoy your day!

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


I hope you have had a good week, I'm really sorry and sad to hear about the bombing on Boston but thank goodness the lad has been found at last. I hope things settle down soon.


I am so glad this last week is over and the Estate Agents have been and I don’t have to go back to the Barn again.

I had 2 Estate Agents on Friday, D was out when I arrived and for the duration of the visit. I stayed on for a few minutes after the EA had left to get some books (I had asked D to be out all day between 10 and 3 so I thought I was OK) He came home within a couple of minutes and caught me looking at the books (I felt guilty) I went to leave, he asked me what the score was with the valuations, I said I’m waiting to hear, and that he should be getting his own. He said he hadn’t done anything about it bc he didn’t want to double up with my agents (though I had left him a note telling him which 3 EAs I was contacting and when they’d be coming) He said I don’t want to sell, as you know, it’s a shame isn’t it (I was feeling v sad about it having been there for the last hour, sorting Sam’s bed and putting a wash on for him) I agreed with him, he said the ball is in your court, you can come back, I love you (he put out his hand and touched me on the shoulder). I left but reminded him there was another EA in the afternoon (he had forgotten)

Later on Friday, after the last EA had been while D was still out, my parents were at the far end of the field clearing a big patch of brambles, out of sight of the Barn, they had a bonfire. My dad texted me to say that they were there, I replied I would be right over to see them (they were expecting me to call at their house shortly), D still wasn’t home, I was at the holiday cottage next door. I left the cottage and began up the drive when I saw D driving along the road, he was bound to have seen me, but I thought it would be worse just to go back in the cottage so I hurried along to where my parents were, out of sight, but the dogs came straight over when they were let out of the van. Mum was in sight picking up brambles she had dropped, D saw her. He came to the bottom of the field and stood staring for some time. I tried to ignore him. He called to me a couple of times, and I looked, he beckoned me to go with him, I went down the track and he started to walk away from where my parents, were out of sight, I followed (why did I go?) to where he wanted to talk to me.

He said (shouted) what’s going on? I said they are clearing a big patch of brambles.. Why? ....to help us get tidied up..... I’ve got someone coming to clear the brambles, I don’t want them (my parents) here. I said they are helping us, they are allowed on this land, they should be entitled, it half belongs to me, they are here for me... Which bit belongs to you, that patch there (pointing to a patch of dirt by a tree), they have no right, their ‘gift’ has nothing to do with this anymore, I don’t want them here, if you don’t tell them then I will. THEY are your problem, YOU told me you had a difficult upbringing, they are responsible for your feelings, they are THE problem, it’s nothing to do with ME.

(and then...) YOUR problem is your SON – he has a lump on his testicle,.... THAT is YOUR problem-.. I said I know,... Oh oh when did he tell you? I said this morning. He said well he told me LAST NIGHT. I said yes, just this morning when I came to meet the EA, (and what did you (D) do about it? just told him to get it sorted asap), and as we speak (looked at my watch) he will be on his way to the Drs appointment that I made for him this morning in the 5 mins I saw him before he was out of the door. He was silenced, – he didn’t want me to say anymore, stopped me, I know he was trying to make me feel bad, that he is there for Sam and I’m not.

He stormed off. I have told my parents not to bother trying to do anything to help the situation, that D will have to do ALL the work himself, but I will refuse to pay towards any work on the land that my parents were happy to do for nothing- he made his choice. I was thinking later that he hasn’t asked MY permission to have someone come in and work – probably someone with a mini digger(he never asks for my agreement anyway, no it didn’t occur to me til then), nor has he GOT my permission to have someone sleep in what was MY room, smoke (cannabis) and drink in MY room, take rent from him and keep it all, nor have I complained- hey ho

The Estate Agents have all said it just needs a good tidy and a bit of hard graft, and superficial work, some painting and finishing things like the window sills and architrave. I have decided at the next (and last) mediation session that I will offer a small loan (my ISA, maybe £3k) to get the work done that I will recoup from the sale proceeds (his idea at 1st mediation), but he will have to keep to a strict list and time scale and put it on the market at the same time. I know all this will make him angry bc I will be (I hope) in control, he will have do what I ask (I bet he’ll not though) but I can see no other way to make quick progress without calling the shots and biting the bullet. I am going to use my last mediation (D’s solicitor has ‘sacked’ him bc he hasn’t paid his bill) to really get the upper hand, the Barn will have to get marketed soon or we will miss the boat....but I won’t want to go near him again and he will do everything to make my time difficult. I worry about the dogs, I had them yesterday and last night, but only bc he was out all day and night.

Good to catch up Kate, you are with me every day,

Hilary Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hi Hilary Rose!

I'm so glad to hear from you :)

It sounds like Dave is continuing to act in the same way he always has. It is sad that he used Sam's situation to try to "one up" you and to try to seem like the better parent. To use the kids like that really shows you where his mind is- on himself. And to make an issue about your parents helping out is not good as well. It sounds like he has turned this into a situation where he feels like he always has the upper hand even if he doesn't do anything to have control (in a good way) or to take care of things.

Just from the things Dave is still doing, it looks like he has not changed much, if at all. It seems to only serve to reinforce that leaving the marriage was a good way to protect yourself from the abuse. It probably would still be going on if you had not decided to go.

I'm sorry you have to make the choice to go ahead and loan him the money. I hope the mediators can do something to be sure your money is used for what it should be used for and Dave doesn't use it for personal things like drinking. He has not treated you fairly through any of this situation so it doesn't seem so far fetched to believe he would do the same with your money.

I hope Sam is doing alright. A lump is a concern. Let me know what the doctor says.

It's great to talk to you, Hilary Rose, always!

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much Hilary Rose! You are so kind and thoughtful. When you write again, I wanted to ask about how things are going with Adele and K. And how the kids are, especially Sam. I hope all is well with everyone!

Thanks again and goodnight,

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

It feels so good to talk to you Kate :) Thank you.


Sorry I meant to add how Sam's appointment went- (only got a report via text!)- Dr said probably nothing to worry about, so that is a real relief. I will keep a check on him.


I think I'll have a chat with my solicitor before the last mediation session, I have to be totally prepared, and not let emotions into it at all bc they jam me up and I waste time. I don't want to lose my momentum so will get another appointment set up with the mediators- they will have to get D moving by making the last session. He will just do nothing otherwise.


I forgot to say- last weekend he sent my post down with Sam one evening, and selotaped to the middle envelope was a scrap of paper which had written 'The definition of psychology by Gene Zimmer- Google'.I knew he had found something online which he felt explained something he wanted to get at me about, don’t know what, but he has always been against me having therapy. I didn't want to Google it, I asked K if she knew what it was about, she had a look for me, it’s a site against psychiatry/ ology- says ‘say NO to psychiatry’ and ‘foundation for truth and reality’ I have had a look at the page but not read it.



I'm helping Poppy with her homework, it's so nice just me and her, she is very happy, I need D to understand that she is bhappier now she isn't living with him and might try to say so through the mediators, but it won't go down well.

Happy to be with you this evening Kate, I hope you are all well across the water, i really miss our daily contact, but I guess it means I am getting stronger :)

Goodnight Kate, hugs and smiles

Hilary Rosexx

PS just got your post... I'll write again tomorrow and update you :)

And.. a pleasure, always for you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thanks Hilary Rose for the update! It definitely sounds like you are getting stronger. I am so amazed at how much you take on now without even batting an eye. You have come so far and I feel so happy for you :)

I miss our daily contact as well but I do understand what you mean. This is a good step for you, being more on your own.

I look forward to hearing more if you get time today!

Have a wonderful day,

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh Kate,


I'm really distressed, I've just written so much to you, about my therapy, and it's lost forever, it's bc my internet connection is so bad, I don't know if I can do it again, maybe tomorrow when I'm feeling better, not good today. So it's late and I must abed, try again tomorrow


goodnight ((((Kate))))


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
I am so sorry, Hilary Rose! I have heard of that happening a lot lately. How frustrating! I have been writing a lot of my responses on Microsoft Word just to be sure they don't disappear as they have before. If you feel up to it, try again tomorrow. I would like to hear how things are going for you.

Good night, Hilary Rose! (((((hugs))))) to you too.

Katexx

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