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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5452
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I want to get a second opinion on this. Me and my girlfriend

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I want to get a second opinion on this. Me and my girlfriend just got back together last week and when we was together, she would sometimes talk to her ex. It bothers me but I respect that they are friends because in their relationship, he treated her wrong and he put her thru a lot. New years last year she told him to come over to her house while me, her and her best friend where there. I didnt like it but Her best friend told me that he was bringing some friends that she liked. When he left, she gave him a hug but looked at me the entire time she was hugging him, like she was trying to make me jealous. But, on January 6 they had a argument and she told me that she was done with talking to him but, when we broke up, all of a sudden he starts texting her again and trying to talk to her. So her birthday came up and we got back together right before her birthday and she told me that I should come with her to the game she was playing at so I did. She told me on the phone that we should hang out on Saturday. But then, her ex asked her to go with him to a wedding and she went with him. But on the phone she told me if anyone asked her if they were together that she would scream. And then last week on Tuesday she asked me what I was doing on saturday, like she wanted to do something with me on saturday. So I asked her if we could spend the day together. But she told me she might go to a party. Later I found out that the party was one her ex was doing, she didnt tell me that part. And, on saturday she supposed to tell me what she was going to do and she didnt. Can someone tell me what I should do about this? I dont know how to tell her that I dont like her talking to her ex but I dont want to sound controlling and she would rebell and do it anyway...

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

You are not being controlling to ask her to stop talking to her ex. She keeps telling you one thing then doing another. She tells you that she is not involved with her ex and that she doesn't want to be with him yet all she does is use every opportunity to see him.

When a couple is together, they are supposed to put each other first. That means above all others, they care for the person they are with. That is not to say they ignore others, especially those in need, but they put their partners first otherwise. But in your relationship, your girlfriend seems to be putting herself first. She is not paying attention to how you feel about her going out with her ex, inviting him over and generally letting him be part of your relationship. Instead, she seems to be using her ex as a partner and as a way to make you jealous. And that is similar to someone cheating in a marriage.

It is fine for you to tell her that her ex is supposed to be her ex, and that means out of her life. Right now, her behavior is saying she is open to being with her ex and is not exclusively in a relationship with you. She needs to decide what is more important to her- being with you or her ex. She cannot have it both ways. And she cannot have him waiting for her each time the two of you have an argument or break up. She needs to sever all ties. If she cannot do that, it may be time to let go of the relationship and move on, as painful as that is. If she sees nothing wrong with her behavior, then she will only continue acting this way in the future if you stay.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Can I help you any further?

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

She used to do things with me, she actually would change her plans just for me but I think a week before we broke up, she thought I was talking to another girl and her attitude completely changed. She went from calling me every night and wanting to do everything with me to hardly calling me and now not wanting to do anything with me.


 


Do you know how I can get her to open up to me and start telling me her feelings more instead after we get back together? I dont believe she wants him back but wants to keep him as friends for some reason, but he is trying so hard to get back with her but, she had 2 weeks if she wanted to get back with him and she didnt.


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
To get her to open up, she has to feel she can trust you. If she suspects that you talked to another girl, then you both need to air that out between you. Talk to her and offer her proof (if you have it) that you did not talk to anyone. But if you don't have proof, then you may have to let her know how much you care about her. Try to do things for her, be there for her, be open with your feelings and treat her like she is special. Once she can trust again, she should open up to you.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Do you think she's using him to make me jealous in a good way? Maybe like a test to see how I act?


 


I talked to someone else and they told me that she might like a challenge in the relationship. And maybe chase me.


 


But right now I just feel like an option and I dont want to feel like that. We got back together but we never delt with the issues that broke us up in the first place and I think he is the first issue.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Anyone who uses another person to make someone jealous is insecure themselves. She should be talking to you directly about her feelings and not bringing an ex into your relationship to communicate her insecurities about how much you love her.

It really is a matter of working on the communication between you both so you grow closer rather than letting your own issues break you apart.

Kate


If you're satisfied with my responses, please rate me highly. Thanks!
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5452
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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