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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1354
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My ex and I have started to get closer again during the past

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My ex and I have started to get closer again during the past two months. We started dating 8 months ago but stopped three months into the relationship. He is currently seeking a divorce and is a Christian and felt his convictions were overwhelming. We reconnected one month after and his niece is one of of closest friends. Since then we have been going to XXXXX since Valentine's Day and a few dates. He is always there for me no matter what I need. We have not been initmate since we started talking again. He has tried, but I am working very hard at taking it slow this time. During our break, an hold high school friend ran into him and he told his sister and niece (who are close to me) that he ran into her. They asked him if he was attracted to her and he said no. She's cool and just a friend. On Christmas Eve she met him at the mall and my friend met her. Story goes, she met him there when he told her he was shopping with his other neice. We started talking again that following week. One weekend he called me after having a little to much to drink and I had to pick him up. He tried to get me in the mood and i said know because we just started talking and we are not in a relationship right now. Let's go slow. We spent the next hour talking, i said a joke and he called me her name! I was so upset and asked him what is going on between you two? It's okay to be honest since we are not together but let me know know. He spent two hours trying to convince me it was a mistake, he's drunk and he would never hurt me like that. Fast forward to February. I have met his mom who knows we talk and likes me. This is important because they are very devout Christians and frown on dating while married even before the divorce,if that has to happen, has been finalized. He even wants them to respect me and not think of me as the other woman. He asked me to go to Bible Study on Valentines Day. We have been going with my daughter's and his son since then. His birthday came up after Valentines day and I bought him a thoughtful gift. He took me to lunch that next day and asked me to visit him while he works up north for the next two months. We talked about our connection and how we get along so well and how much he likes being with me and how hard it is to be "good" around me. He always tells me how lovely I am and look and is very doting. This week I found out the other woman texted him good night. My daughter was in the car and his son had his phone and told him. My daughter told me he looked rather bothered and told his son just say good night and turned around and started talking about me. Hmmm...I have friends that are male and i do not text them good night. I do not even do that with him since we are taking this slow. I know we are not committed but this did bother me a lot. Next day, I find out through my friend his niece that the other woman sent him several gifts for his birthday. She tried to encourage me by saying but he loved your gift and told the family about yours, yours meant something. I am just saying, if you are just friends why work so hard to text at night and send several bday gifts? I cannot ask him since i was not in the car and I am not supposed to know about the gifts. I told him the next day I would not be going to the Bible Study for a while and he asked if it was because of him. Hmmm...? I am very sick this weekend and asked him to call me on Friday night, he said he was too busy getting things ready for his move on Sunday. i do know this to be true, but I just keep thinking hes with her. He checked on me the next day and called me, but I chose to not contact him back. I do not know what to do or how to handle this. I care for him so much and know he cares for me but I am so hurt.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. I think that this other woman may be pursuing him, but he is most likely not pursuing her. I understand you are taking things slow and are waiting out the divorce, but in this particular situation I would have an honest discussion with him. Explain to him that you really need for him to be honest with you about this situation because you have very strong feelings for him and are "waiting" for him in a way. Tell him that if he is involved with this other person that you need to know so that you won't be wasting your time on a relationship which may never be. Make sure he knows you value his friendship and companionship and you want things to work out, but that you can't compete with another woman and shouldn't have to.
I think you are doing the right thing by being there, but also giving space. That is the exact path to take. I understand you don't want to feel as though you are wasting your time with him and this is where the discussion with him takes place. I would talk to him in person and watch him as you talk with him. What he says is only half of it. Read his body language and see what your gut tells you about what he is saying. When you talk to him tell him how you feel about certain things instead of using blame or insecurities. If you put things in that way, he will be less likely to be defensive about anything.
If he is worth the time and effort, give it some more time. Pay attention to little things and as I said, listen to intuition.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1354
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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