Hi, I agree with everything you said. It sounds like nothing is going on because then I doubt she would be inviting you. Also, you would be getting other suspicious signs. But I agree that it is up to her to cut him off when he does talk like that. I would mention to her how you came to the conclusion that they call her pet names and show her the proof. Plus maybe you want to go to the game yourself to see how it is. You did not mention if there are only men there or not, but in my opinion if it is just men there then it may not be the best idea for her to be there also, some times women see things as harmless. However, we both know that is not how a man thinks. If she is not putting them in their place about the names and she continues to confide in him she is actually giving him the wrong message. He will think she is enjoying it and possibly looking for something more. I would discuss this with her and let her know that since your a man you know how most men usually think. You have spoken to many men, so let her know why you are not enjoying what is going on. Try going to her in a concerned manner rather than a judging manner. This way there would be more chance of her opening up and listening rather than becoming defensive. As for her not being sexual with you it could be for many reasons ranging from health problems, depression, aging, and etc I would suggest she gets checked physically and then possibly the both of you can start couples counseling in order for you both to work on this
In wish you the best and hope everything works for the best
Please let me know if I can be of further help.
Thank you jenhelant.
That is a lot of what I was thinking as well. I have never been raised to be really open about my feelings, so in my family it is just bottle it up inside. I don't like to bottle things up as it leads to problems, and in my family alcoholism was something that ran high. So I have always avoided turning to alcohol as an out to deal with things. One way I have learned to deal with things is turning to people that I have learned to trust dearly to confide in, or in some cases turn to a stranger like in this case. But that only helps with advice, but not the root of the issue to deal with. One way I have learn to be a little more open with feelings is to write it down, but then it is normally just give the letter to the person to let them read, and I either sit back quietly until they finish reading or I leave the room to let them read. But sometimes if you maybe just weren't too clear on what you wrote it could lead to confusion and if you aren't their to answer or read it the way you intend then it can cause other problems.
This time was no different. I have wrote down what I want to say, but it is sometime to give me a script to read from instead of leaving it for my wife to read. I basically go in to commenting about my comment to her (I asked straight out asking if "so and so" calls her beautiful. She answered straightout "no"), to ask why she said no, and then to advise that I have seen text messages from him calling her love and beautiful. Then to ask why she would lie about something like that, and I carry on with that I can see that she lied for 1 or 2 reasons. 1) That she is having an affair or 2) that she felt it was protecting me. Originally she had someone else helping her before, and this guy was just wierd and he would call her sweetie. Then again he called me sweetie. But when I logged onto Facebook to check something it was still logged into her account. As I went to log out so I could log into my account a private message popped up with him saying "goodnight sweetie". So I asked her about it. She told me straight out she thought it was creepy and she didn't like it, but was afraid if she said anything he would stop helping her. So I gave her an out saying that I saw the message and I didn't overly like some guy calling him wife sweetie, so the next time he called her it, she sent him message to just keep it friendly as it was making me upset. He then replied back saying no problem, it was just the way he was raised, and if I didn
...didn't notice the other day that he called me sweetie.So from what I see in her text messages to this new guy, she doesn't call him baby or any sort of pet names, so that is why I have a feeling she isn't saying anything to him about it, because she probably feels if she does ask him to stop that he will stop helping her. My thoughts are that their are many others that can help her if he doesn't and that if he won't help her just because she isn't attracted to him or have any sort of feelings for him, then he isn't the right person to be helping her anyways.Now I know my original statements of what I want to talk about to her are kinda judging, I go on to explain the point of view of a guy to her. That whether or not we are in a relationship or not, and whether or not the girl we like is in a relationship or not we may still pursue them. And in this case, he was overly nice to her giving her items like a play mat, the special game dice, cards, really helping her setup a good deck to use while playing. Those a little above just being friendly, but still hold a friendly gesture to get her going. But when she decided to purchase a certain card for him because of all the nice deeds he has done it gave a little different message to the guy. 'To a guy, I gave her some things, now she is giving me things, hmmm, I think she may like me'. So he then started in with a slight harmless comment of good morning sunshine (most likely feeling the waters). This is something she told me about, but she thought it was harmless because it was first thing in the morning. But because she didn't say anything he led to a compliment of calling her beautiful. Again, nothing said, so the confidence is higher to continually call her beautiful when ever he can, and to start adding in love. That the fact to a guy each time he does it, it was to feel the waters, and with her not saying anything it is creating more confidence in him that their is something to build on.
My thoughts are, that if she nips it now with a simple comment like "hey, thank you for the compliment, but I am happily married. And I don't think my husband or your girlfriend would like the fact of you calling me beautiful" then it stops it. If he really was doing this to help her then he most likely will continue to help her. Hey as a guy, the more we get to hang out with the girl that isn't interested right now, the better my chances are down the road possibly, or I get to have a cool friend. But if she allows it to continue and continue and continue until it becomes a problem because he is not trying the advances in person, he is more likely to cut the strings and run when he finds that the person he thought was interested in him isn't, or cause relationship problems with him and his girlfriend and marrital problems between myself and my wife. And at this point, as I say, as a guy we would most likely stop helping completely.
I also go into why I don't feel that she is cheating on me, like as I said, the fact that she invites me to join, the fact that she wants me to learn to play so that I can play with these people to, and the fact that she doesn't hide her text messages if she is typing and I am standing right behind her (shows she has nothing to hide).Like I know when I bring any of it up, she isn't going to like it at all, because she felt the first time with the guy calling her sweetie that I was just jealous and making a big issue out of something that wasn't an issue. So basically to keep from just seeming jealous of this and that I do support her being friends with him as long as it is just friends and he knows their is nothing more to tell her to reverse the roles. To ask her how she would feel if some girl was making flirtatious remarks or calling me by pet names, and to straightout ask if she thinks that this guys girlfriend would appreciate him calling another girl love and beautiful.Like as he says to her, thank you for opening up to me, I feel we have learned so much about each other. I don't know what she opened up to him about. I don't know how I would even bring this point up, but looking at how she texts him I think it was more so that she feels abandoned by her friends ever since she got married, and that she now feels part of something with him and his team (as she put it, it kinda feels like The Big Bang Theory to her). And yes, this is something that mostly guys do. Their are very few females that play. It was funny, as soon as she referenced The Big Bang Theory, that is where he got to throw in one of the beautiful comments, by replying back to her saying "so that must make you the beautiful Penny then".But with what you have said, and what I have wrote to actually say to her, I am going to her more in the concerned sense by pointing out the facts and explaining them from my point of view and the point of view of a guy. I am stearing away from being judging, to avoid putting her right on the spot, except in the one point that I made for the role reversal.
You are wonderful
You explained everything so exact and it was perfect. I agree with everything you have said. You are taking the correct approach and think it was a wonderful start. I commend you on taking the steps and conversing with her despite the fact of your past. You should be happy with yourself
By getting her up understand a"mans view" in a non judgmental way is the best way to go. A lot of women take it as the man being jealous, but I know it is nothing like that. If he is testing the waters and she allows it he will think he has a chance. Some men do not care if the woman is married and sometimes they even prefer that. If he will atop helping her due to her speaking up them exactly what you said he is not the right person to be helping. You would not want someone helping for the wrong reasons, so it is best to know the truth ASAP since then she can find someone else to help her. Maybe he has a habit of seating sweetie, but I don't think he has a habit of saying all the other names. I think what you are doing and saying is perfect!
Thanks for your help.I spoke with my wife. I just explained that what I wanted to talk to her about was my concerns and that I wasn't being judging, and that I don't want her to take this in any way shape or form that I want her to stop playing this game, to stop texting her friends, or that she needs to stop hanging out with her friends.Then I spoke to her that their needs to be some boundaries when we are together and her texting, because it becomes difficult to talk to her when she seems more intune with checking her phone, or everytime you are trying to speak that it makes you feel as if you don't matter when they are sitting their answering or reading a message from someone else.I then mentioned the pet names of Guy A calling her sweetie that I know it was a done deal with that, and that he was understanding when asked to stop. And all. But then I brought up the fact that when I was bugging her Sunday night of if I was hanging out with her and her friends that they would be able to flirt with her and call her beautiful, but how she said none of them flirt with her or call her beautiful. So I paused, and then mentioned that it is very wierd that I would just randomly pick a word like beautiful out to ask if Guy B is calling her beautiful. I paused to allow any response, and when I received none mentioned that I know he is calling her beautiful and my love, because I had seen it in some of his text responses to her. That is when I told her straightout that as a guy, not just her husband, but as a guy that when we start referencing a girl as beautiful and my love it means more than just friendly convo, that we are interested in more than just friends because we see you in a different light. She tried to argue it a little by saying that he is just overly sweet and that that a few months ago he lost his mother and that the only female figure in his life is just his girlfriend, so that maybe this is just how he talks to women. I then told her that if he was just overly polite/sweet it would be more of a "my dear" not "my love", and no matter how overly polite/sweet a person is they don't keep calling you beautiful.I asked that she look at it in 1 of 3 ways, 1) Role Reversal - How she would like it if another girl was calling me handsome or flirting with me? 2) How would she feel if I was calling another girl beautiful and my love? 3) How she thinks Guy B's girlfriend would feel if she knew her boyfriend is calling another girl beautiful and his love.She agreed with the 1st way, thought that it depends on the person if I was making the comments to like my friend Mel who has been a longtime friend of mine since grade 6 and I have been out of school for 14 years and still am friends with her, and the 3rd way she didn't see as her concern as that is something he would have to deal with if she saw the messages.She brought up a good point to me, that it feels good to get the attention from someone else, to hear the words you are beautiful from someone else, to which I did agree with her. I told her straightout that anytime a girl flirts with me or gives me a nice compliment that I makes me feel good (in her words - to know you still have it), but I take the compliment and then advise that I am married. I'm like that is the difference, you are taking the compliments, and allowing them to continue (giving the wrong message), where as I take the compliment and let them know that I am not available. As I pointed out, just by introducing me to her friends just means you are married, but when you allow them to constantly compliment you, can give the impression that you might not be happy and might be looking for something on the side.I repeated to her that I know I have asked recently if she still loved me and whether she has or is cheating on me and that I believe her answers as truthful, and told her why I believe her because she wants me to be part of it, that she wants me to meet these people and support her by even just going to the games with her, and that she doesn't hide her text messages from me if I am standing right behind her. Even thought Monday night she was a lot more secretive with her texts, but I think that was because she knew I knew something more than what I had just asked on Sunday.So even thought I gave her the guys point of view, she still thinks he was being harmless, but sent him a message just to be sure. Well started to send him a message, and had me finish it, (that was difficult to just not type piss off or something). So we just sent Guy B a message saying that "I have been thinking about something, and I just want to make sure we are on the same page with our friendship. I just want to be friends with you, and I do believe that is just your intentions, and I do appreciate the compliments of calling me beautiful because it is always nice to hear it from someone else beyond your husband. But once is nice, twice is re-insuring, but three and more times starts to send mixed signals, especially when you start adding in My Love. I don't want to rock the boat, but I just want to make sure we are both on the same page about just being friends, nothing more. And with this, I still want to be friends, I still want to learn from you because I feel I have a lot that I can learn from you in the game".It took him awhile to answer, but he replies back apologizing that if he may have giving a wrong impression that he wasn't meaning anything from the comments, and that he will tone them back, and that he was sorry for causing her grief with the comments. Sadly as I guy I know we can become overly apologetic because we truly didn't mean anything or because we now know that the other person doesn't share the same feelings. After that he stopped communicating for around half an hour, and then started back up with a random excuss to why he couldn't talk there. So I think it was because he took a bit of a kick to his ego and needed to re-establish composer, but hope it was because he was embarrassed that he gave the wrong impression.
So my wife told him that he didn't need to apologize and that he didn't cause her any grief, but she just wanted to make sure that he knows their relationship is nothing more than friends and didn't want to stir anything up between us (me and her) and them (him and his g/f).But prior to me talking to her about it, she was talking to him about a trip to Vegas for a tournament, and showed me the text messages where she was mentioning me numerous times that she would have to check with me before she would go, to see if I am okay with it or if I would want to come, and that I would only want to come as long as Guy B and his friends were okay with me tagging along. And I told her that was good, because that was the message you needed to give him that you are in a happy marriage where you care enough of what I thought and such. And that by doing so, pointed out how his messages weren't referring to her by My Love or Beautiful, because it wasn't sending the wrong message to him now, where by saying nothing to the comments when called them does.
I even told her that she may just look at this a being jealous, and it slightly is, but I'm like it is good. That if I am getting jealous of another guy shows her that I still care about her, that when I see her getting jealous because I spoke to another girl shows me that she still cares. But it is a good jealous. I'm like being jealous only becomes bad if I am ripping her phone from her hands because she isn't paying attention or to send who ever she is talking to a message back telling them to leave her alone, or getting up into this guys face threatening him. Like if I guy is complimenting her, I don't care as long as she portrays the correct signs back to him, letting him know she is unavailable and not interested. I don't mind that she likes the compliments because it just shows she is human, but once again making sure she doesn't allow it to go too far by not saying anything, or just responding "lol" to the comments because she thinks they are harmless and that the person doesn't see her as available or interested.Like since I wrote most of the text to Guy B, I know what was said. I made it clear that she wanted to continue to be friends, and that she wasn't interested in anything more. As I say, he took a bit to respond and then stopped talking for awhile. I do truely think he took a blow to his ego (even though my wife doesn't think so), but if he did he now knows she isn't interested in anymore more than just being friends. If he was just embarrassed that he sent the wrong message (less likely, but better for me if it was this), then he knows for future.
The exact messages sent and received:Sent: So I've been thinking about something. I appreciate the compliments but I don't want you to get the wrong impression and want to make sure we are on the smae page about just being friends, and I do feel that is what you want. But one compliment of being called beautiful is nice to hear from someone other thatn your husband, twice is really reinsuring, but beyond that starts to send mixed signals, along with being called my love. And I don't want to rock the boat with your gf. I still want to do the trip to Vegas and hand with you because I feel I am going to learn a lot from you.Received: It appears that I have come off on the wrong foot at one point or another. Believe me, that is not nor has it ever been my intention, I appologize if that is how it ended up coming across (I also apologize that this entire thing is going to come across as cold and cynical...again not my intent..yadda yadda text, yadda yadda conveying tone/emotion) anywho, I disgress. I can and will tone it back, it was never supposed to cause discomfort nor grief.
So it does seem a little more sincere than oh crap she doesn't feel the same about me. So I hope that it truely is suppose to be a sincere 'oh man, I sent the wrong signals'.He also wanted to meet with her today (Tuesday) to clear the air with her and move forward. So she told me it was awkward at first, but wanted me to stay near by incase she wanted to walk away if she didn't like what was being said. After an hour, I finally got the "I'm Good" text and letting me know that it was all good and I could go home. Let me tell you, it sucks sitting outside a pub/restaurant in -8C weather not knowing what is going on, what is being said, if everything is good, do I need to intervien. But it was good to hear that it was all good.
So according to my wife, even though he wanted to meet up to clear the air to move forward that he didn't even mention anything about it during the 2 hours that they were at the pub/restaurant, it wasn't brought up until he was dropping her off, but yet it took an hour for my wife to send a message to me saying that everything was good that I could head home. Now she did tell me that she was trying to be polite and not start texting while talking with him, so she had to wait until she went to the washroom to send me the original text to let me know where they were and again to update me that it was all okay. I think the part that pisses me off there, and makes it a little hard to trust her is that she wants to be polite and not cause awkwardness infront of him by texting me, but yet she has no problem sitting their texting him while I try and have a conversation with her. So what my wife had to say when he dropped her off was that he again was apologizing saying it was the wrong message that he was giving. Then she was telling me that even one of his friends was even questioning him about what was up with her, but he didn't go into detail about what his friend had to say that it was just strange that she was bringing it up and that even one of his own friends was asking him what the deal was with her. But she told me to read her texts to see that I didn't have to worry about what she was saying to him that it is just about the game and how she wants to do the Vegas Tournament. I don't know if I went back further then what she was wanting me to see or what, but I can see why she was more cautious with her phone on Monday evening. He was calling her love (instead of my love), sweetie, cutie and even sending the happy face icon with the hearts as eyes. I know he has an iPhone, and I have the same emoticon app to send the emoticons in text message, and it is pretty straight forward, so it is not a I accidentially sent the wrong face, that and if he did it would have most likely been the next message to correct it. Plus when he is sending the happy face :) or the sticking tongue out :p he sends them how they show up here, so which means he purposely sent the face with hearts as eyes. As well earlier he was talking to her about the Vegas trip that he is going on for this tournament and how he really wants her to come, but was making comments earlier in the day telling her that if she wasn't going to come because it was just finances that he is sure they could work something out. But later on when she was telling him that she would really like to go, but she would have to check with me first and see that I am okay with it or if I would want to come, then his comments changed to the well I wish I could help you out, but I think if I did it would cause I lot of problems/hurt and that's not what I am here for.So the fact he was willing to help her to begin with for the trip and then wasn't so willing later when she started mentioning me is pretty clear cut that he wanted more than friendship. His work it out probably would have been a share the same room with special previldges.She is less arguementative about it now except that she really doesn't want to talk about it anymore, I think she is starting to realize it but just doesn't want to say it.
Or she still isn't getting it and is believing him when he says that he didn
didn't mean anything with the comments.
She kinda feels sorry and terrible for bringing it up to him (which he is telling her not to), but she does because she brought that up to him, his friend was asking him what his and her deal was, I guess he got into a spat with his g/f (supposidly not about this - because she said it is going to be awkward now if she goes to his house because of this, and he told her that his g/f and friend don't know anything about what he and her have said), someone ran over some pipe he needed at a job site, so she feels bad because he is just having terrible luck the last couple days.
I agree with everything you said and done. However, I am not totally convinced your wife is on the same page. She should not be feeling bad for him. She should be feeling bad for you because he disrespected you and her. Then she allowed it to continue. I am not buying the fact that he didn't mean anything by those texts ( and remember you are getting this point of view from a woman)
I am curious to know why you were not invited to that lunch meeting to "clear the air"
I agree with you on the fact that she had no problem texting in front of you and did not want to in front of him.
I am concerned if this lunch meeting was a way for the guy to find out if she really meant what she texted or if she was just being forced to do it by you or if you done it. I don't now want you to get paranoid. You know your wife best, XXXXX XXXXX good indicator if things have stopped between them would be is if you see secretive text or not. Plus if you see those text messages again or not. I was not sure if those heart eye simily faces were after or before her making things clear to him, but if it was after then it seems like he learned nothing and is not respecting the situation or she could have made him comfortable during the lunch. I would just keep an eye out to share if you see anything suspicious, see if he continues these types of text, and if he starts offering to help with the trip again.
You have done good and hopefully your wife will continue to do get part and truly see how this behavior was disrespectful and crossing the line.
Thanks for your help. The heart eye smiley face was before she said anything.I told her about how when she was showing me some of the texts that with him making an offer to help her to get to Vegas if it was just finances that were holding her back but changing his tone to I wish I could help later on when she was mentioning me tells me straight out that if he is telling her that he was only interested in being friends that he is a lying bastard, because no one in their right mind just makes an random offer like that when they have only known the person for 2 or 3 weeks, and especially when that person is married. It would be different if it was one of your bestfriends that you have known for years that wants you to come on a trip with them. But the fact that most of your communication has been Facebook or texts, and you have only met 5 times in person, makes that a very clear indication he wanted more. And when I stopped to really think how they met, she had made a comment on a facebook group page that she was part of and he was too. He then approached her randomly to request a facebook add, and after meeting once (I don't think I had met him at that point) asking for her number and sending her his phone number so they could start texting as well.
The meet to clear the air I do believe I should have been part of, but with her not having many friends anymore (since being married) I can see her point of why add more stress to something. But she was cautious wanting me to be nearby incase she got uncomfortable as well even questioning a comment in her head that he made to the waitress when he said "thanks love". I do know some older old-fashioned men (and I mean older like in their 60's & 70's) will make remarks to women they don't know calling them love. But she was thinking maybe this is his personality or that maybe he was doing it on purpose just to bring her guard down.She is agreeing with me now with no arguement that it is inappropriate to be calling someone you have only known for a couple weeks love, beautiful (unless actually complimenting them on how they look), sweetie, darling (another harmless one with older men), and making an offer to assist with finances to get her to come with him to Vegas. As well she was telling me that even when he stated that he had no problem with me coming on the trip but it might make the accomodations a little tight, she was evening mentioning to me "I would like to know where he even got the impression that I would sleep in the same room as him and his friends, god even if I went down without you I would have gotten my own hotel room, even if it meant having to go to another hotel".She offered to me that she will only hang out with him at our place when I am around or at public places, but told me that if it would just make things easier to ease tensions or fears that she will stop hanging out with him unless they just happen to be at the same event.I told her straight out that I would in all honestly I would prefer she doens't hang with him because of the comments, but at the same time I want her to be happy to learn the game more and that from the different being I have met he is probably the better one at this time to teach her, so I don't mind her hanging out with him as long as I am present or it is at a public place. So she has a game at his place this weekend, and I am going and he knows I am coming. But as I said to her we just need to be honest with each other, let each other know what is going on and such because I trust her, but I don't trust him at all. And the plan is if she is playing a game at his place and I am not going that she is going to try to make sure she arrives late so he can't pull a come over for 6 and tell his other friends not to show until 7 or 8 to give them time alone. So she told me that if that happened, she would just ask where the others are and say something came up sending me a text to pick her up, but that if he offered to drive her to and from that she will just tell him that she is out and about and I will drive her over.
Like yesterday he sent her a text because they had texted a couple times in the day, and when she was with me he send a text saying "Oh I forgot morning/afternoon sunshine". My wife was immediately "f**k my life, he just doesn't get it". So I asked her what, so she showed me the text right away and stated that she wasn't sure if it was meant for her or his girlfriend. But since she had just answered a text of his she felt it was more for her. I told her with sunshine I would be as concerned unless it is an everyday occurrence, here and there isn't that bad, but if she doesn't want to be called it just answer back with "morning/afternoon 'his name'". I'm like if you just call him back by his name directly in a response then it is a hint to any guy that you took offence or didn't like what was said. And told her as long as we just stay honest with each other and don't hide something like that then it is makes things easy. Where as when you don't say anything, and at the same time aren't letting me know about comments or offers it creates problems.