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Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Hi, I need some advice as I am completely confused about

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Hi,

I need some advice as I am completely confused about what to do. I have been with my fiancé for about 2 and a half years and I am now 5 months pregnant with our first child. For pretty much that whole time he has been lying to me about smoking cigarettes. I am completely against being with somebody who smokes. I treat cancer for a living and I see dying lung patients everyday so it has tainted smoking for me. I have been with partners in the past who have smoked and cannot handle it. It is a deal breaker in a relationship for me and I know not to get involved with anyone who smokes.

My current partner and I met online. On his profile his smoking status said "non-smoker". I had no reason to question this, nor did I even think to. He did tell me that he used to smoke, but quit about a year ago and he was aware of my major dislike of being with a smoker. The relationship moved very fast and we were deeply in love after a few months. Then I slowly started to find out that he was still smoking occasionally at work when he got stressed and when he would go out out drinking. He knew I wouldn't like it so he kept hiding it from me. My biggest problem here is he made me believe that he didn’t smoke at all. If I knew from the start we would never have even met. I feel like he deceived me right from the start.

I have confronted him many times since then and have caught him out on several occasions. Every time he tries to lie to me about it at first and then will only confess to 'accidently' have one. Even though I have found numerous empty packets in his car so I know is having more than just one every now then. Each time he tells me he is not a smoker and he does slip up every now and then but promises me he won't do it again.

I have told him I just don't want to be with someone who smokes. I have said that it is up to you if you want to smoke or not but you need to be honest to me about it so I can decide if this is something I can accept about you or not. But every time he promises me that it's not a problem and he won't do it. I know I can't tell him or make him not smoke, but I can choose if I want to be with a smoker or not.

So the last time I caught him out I tried to explain that now it is more of a problem that you are lying to me about it. The trust is completely gone. We came to an agreement that it is an addiction and he would come to me if he slipped up and we talk about it and maybe try to get some other help such as hypnotism. But the main thing was to be honest with each other.

Well this morning I got back from a weekend away visiting family and as soon as I opened the bin cupboard I could smell cigarettes. I checked the bin bag and there were at least 15 cigarette butts in there. I now he had nobody over because we had been talking over the weekend. They were the brand that he smokes as well.

So what do I do? I'm pregnant now, I do love him. Pretty much everything else in fine. But this is such a big deal to me. I really wish I didn't care so much about being with somebody who smokes. I just can't handle the thought of having to go through them dying young leaving me and the kids behind with the hurt. I see it as such a selfish habit as when they get sick and die it everyone around them who loves them that have to suffer. Why would they want to put the people they so call love through that.

I honestly don't know what to do. I haven't confronted him about it yet as he is at work. But I have a baby to think about now. Obviously I can't trust his word not to smoke. He has proven that too may times. So what am I to do? I know I won't be able to accept him smoking. Will he ever stop? Can I ever trust him again? What else would he hide from me? Would it be easier to just go our separate ways now? Is there anything that would help?

Please help... Sorry it’s so long :(
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.
Of course this is a big deal to you. It's a matter of life and death, plus it sets the foundation of this relationship and dishonesty is no foundation.

This may be a lot about how you feel toward protecting him and insuring he's there as your partner in life for many years to come, but it's also about believing in him, which to date he has given you no reason to.

Of course you know this is an addiction. You can't blame the drug user for continuing to use the drug once they make the irresponsible decision to start, but yes, when the user knows what's at stake and is willing to risk losing it, that's where you have to make a choice right for you.

If you keep giving second chances you become a co dependent or enabler. You have to take responsibility for allowing it.

BUT - we're not there yet. You have the right idea about professional options to stop the smoking. You also need professional counseling to get to the bottom of the dishonesty.

Is he not trusting that you'll support him if he's honest or is it something you haven't noticed (like the smoking) in his personality make up?

Let's find out. Tell him this is the most serious issue your relationship needs to deal with and you expect him to work as a team rather than against each other

Have something lined up so it's just a matter of cooperating.

If you feel strongly about hypnosis to help with the smoking and he agrees, give it a try, but keep in mind that an addiction so strong that he's jeopardizing a relationship and being a present father to your baby (rather than an absent one), might need medical intervention in the way of withdrawal meds.

I understand your concerns, fears and frustrations. I've lost a couple of very close family members to lung cancer and it's a horrific way to pass.

Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7387
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Rev.Dr. August Abbott and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
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Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)