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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Ive been in a very intense committed (9 year )relationship

Customer Question

Ive been in a very intense committed (9 year )relationship in Dalllas. We were engaged . He was intensely there for me as were involved in a very difficult custody litigation over my sons (now 21,20 &17). At the same time (2008) he experienced a complete loss of his assets in the Real Esate mkt. I am 49 he is 45. He lived w/ me while he was being sued over his real estate ventures and he was my best friend, support and "family" while I went to court over my children. I was his as he went through major financial difficulties.He tried various jobs to regain hes financial footing even moving to Colorado 2 years ago. I have stayed in Dallas for the stability of my job and for my time with my youngest son. He just finally made his first substantial job in his current job in the oil and gas industry this past month. we have looked at houses to lease multiple times but have not had much time away from our jobs to attend to each. I just started the job earch there as he got his decent pay check ..finally! 2-3 weeks ago it became apparent to me that he had met a new "friend". He told me he would that friendship , start fresh with us, said we were in a committed relationship just as we had for 9 years and our plans were moving forward. that friendship was not ended. He lied and went Aspen with her then told me she was more interested in him than he in her and that he loved me ...etc, etc,etc I hvae not gotten angry or enraged aina any way. i heave just asked him ti put that aside honor our 9 years of love, our new beginning finally and to spend time together which we took for granted terribly. what can i do!!!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
I would like to help. What is his response to everything you tell him? Is he wanting to be together and you suspect lying or he is saying now he does not want to move forward?
I look forward to your response, so I can provide an accurate answer.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

10 days ago he asked that we start fresh due to previous bittterness for having to wait so long, my ending it with him a couple of times just to get away and reaches. I was faithful and in touch with him the whole time and came rushing bk to my own hm where he then lived. We then went to get a marriage license. I was skepticle and made it difficult. It hurt him. But it had bn 7 years and he still couldnt make any decent money. We both drank too much under the stress of eveything but we were very much in love. Now almost to the month that he can upgrade his car, get an apt of his own, my son is old enough to understand my desire to move he allows himself to get involved w/ someone else.10n days ago he said he would end "that " we would start fresh, he wud come to dallas for couple of days and we were in a commited relationship as always. its just gotten worse.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for explaining. So he has wanted to start fresh after all that happened since things were going to change and you both were finally going to be together. He said he was going to Dallas. Did he do that yet? How has things gotten worse? Is the other person still involved?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

yes. instead of "putting that at Bay' as he said, the "frienship" that stared 2 -3 weeks ago turned into them going to OJO Caliente in New MEx this weekend. I hv access to his email unbeknownst to him but he knew I knew it was happening cuz he asked if i wanted and cud the same week. I am not a freakout jealous person. I was MISS USA and still cud compete today and I love him enuf to know one of of something new w/ someone 15 years younger than him is not even in the ball park of what we hv . but then again I may hv been blind the whole time > 9 years is a long time. lots of plans made and within a month this betrayal. Shes there to attend to him . I am not.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
I am so sorry and I understand how you must be devastated. You made a good point she is there right now. You know what the both of you have and that it can not compare to what they have. He may have just strayed due to the time and distance. However, he needs to decide what he is going to do from here. I would have a serious discussion to determine how things are going to proceed from here. You both need to be on the same page in order to continue. Ask him questions without judging or blaming since that will only cause him to be defensive, but doing this will help you to see where his head is at and what he is wanting that way you will know how to proceed. In addition by asking him questions can help him to maybe " wake up" and realize what he is actually doing in order to possibly spark change.
I truly hope everything works out for your best interest and please let me know if I can help further. Feel free to reply until you are satisfied with my answer.

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