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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Hello, I hope you can help me with my question ! I met a man

Customer Question

Hello, I hope you can help me with my question ! I met a man at work 2 years ago. He was married, so I just admired him from afar. He is one if the sweetest and most interesting men I have ever met. Last summer he became separated from his wife and moved out. We began to spend a bit of time together. I have an intense and unusual physical attraction for him. however, being in my mid 30's and being married before (I was widowed in my 20's) I can play it fairly cool. I always waited for him to contact me. We'd talk or text monthly. This built up slowly over time until we were going out twice a month and texting every few days. Platonically only although he was quite flirty.
One evening we were out (having a few drinks) the flirting was getting silly and I asked him if he had ever fancied me. He said that he had (he said he was sometimes?!?) and that I was very sexy. said "Kiss me". He did and we had a very passionate "make-out" etc session for aprox 15 minutes. He was excited and started talking about a hotel. Then, suddenly, he changed, became guilty, started texting his wife. She IS seeing other men, and he has slept with other women but he flipped,became very nervous, apologized and saw me home. He texted me but I didn't reply for a day. He told his wife whom I also know. Oddly, his wife quite likes me, tells me about her boyfriends and has no problem with the idea of he and I having fun together.
He began sending me texts saying that we needed to talk and that he valued my friendship so much etc. we met for coffee a few days later, and he explained to me that we couldn't have sex for several reasons, #1 being our friendship. I acted fine, but I was dying! I wanted his body more than his friendship! Plus my ego was in tatters; I've never been turned down before.
So, a week later we were at a party (we'd already spent the day together) and he was talking about a girl we both know. He said he hadn't flirted with her, but he would consider sleeping with her if she offered. I calmly stated
That it hurt my ego. He had just turned me down for sex and now he was talking about shagging someone else. Nice. He doesn't fancy me; I get it. As I walked away he said "I wish you knew how I really feel about you Laur", but I kept walking away. I avoided him for the rest of the party. Afterwards we just walked out, went to his and had passionate sex until dawn. He sent me a text that night, but things changed and there was less chatting and more shagging. I was happy. Around Valentines Day things changed, all I got was a text, but our relationship was shallow and physical so I wasn't too bothered. Then he'd text less and then dodged going to an important event with me. I was not happy about that and told him that I felt let down. He asked to meet me after work. I went to meet him. He hugged me and apologized and we ate. However, when I asked if he wanted to "leave", he said no! Like the 1st time. I hid my annoyance as best I could. I was ready for some serious fun. He looked sad and kept asking if I had plans, so I asked if maybe he just wanted to hang out. We did. We played cards and played music and drank beer and laughed. The next day we went away on a business trip with others. We ended up sharing a room with 3 people. We were always together every day and night, staying up talking until 4am when everyone else was long asleep and struggling to wake up in the morning. We even slept in the beds next to each other and whispered before falling asleep. This went on for 5 days. When we returned, he texted me. One day of nothing and then the next I saw him again. ....So, what?!? Are we BFF's now?!? WHY WON't HE SLEEP WITH ME BUT WANTS TO BE WITH ME SO OFTEN?have I been converted to best buddie?
Why has he lost his attraction to me? i wasn't asking for commitment ! I really do not want anything from him, aside from fun.
Last night we were with other friends (doing a sports activity that we have in common) and -let's just say- I was cold..and he kept looking at my breasts and spacing out. Then when he hugged me good-bye he hugged me for a rather long time and as we moved apart he almost leaned in to kiss me and I had to move me head back slightly to avoid brushing his face with mine. Nothing much, but weird actions towards the girl who has become your new little sister. Now I know he will never be the love of my life. I am trying to understand what is happening and if this is a worthwhile friendship. I know that you are not a mind reader :)
Sorry for the long letter! I am so confused and I would appreciate your opinion!"
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

This sounds like a case of guy getting cold feet and being pretty uncertain of what he wants. You sound very much as though you just want to have some fun and nothing serious yet he seems as though he's trying to have you in his life but has become scared that he might have to make more commitment to you than perhaps he wants to. Is he aware that you want no commitment from him? I wonder too, if he's beginning to have some feelings for you and this possibly worrying him (despite him talking of other women and that he would say 'yes' if they were asking him for sex).

You may well want to be really direct with him,although it seems he may be unaware of his own feelings and thoughts, I still think it'd be a good idea for your own sanity that you find out directly from him by expressing your concerns what the deal is? What do you think?

Some men who have experienced infidelity either by their partners or have been the one cheating may well be struggling with their own sense of trust and whether they can trust their own instinct on things and this sounds very much like the latter - he cannot trust his own judgment and hence, easier to push you away than to get into the 'wrong' place with you - emotionally or physically.

You need to know what his thoughts and feelings around this are- maybe arrange to meet for a coffee - no strings attached and just talk this through. If he's not able to talk or you feel this is not something he will do easily then perhaps write or email him with your thoughts and reassuring him that you just enjoy spending time with him and there's nothing more, he may open up more via email if he's quite self conscious or may prefer to talk in person with you - either way, communication is key here. I'm unsure whether you would settle for a friendship with this man when you seem to fantasize about him physically and this could have hurtful consequences for you - so be careful in what you settle for and what feels most right for you.

I hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your answer Karin! One more small question: I think he may be stuck because he wants an all or nothing thing? All not being an option nothing not being enough. He's always saying how much he likes me and telling me all about his life and hugging me. Is he trying to substitute best friendship for a sexual one or could he have just suddenly become disgusted by me physically? I feel so ugly. I asked him, when he rejected me, if he didn't want that with me anymore. He said "no, no, I DO" but that was 2 weeks ago including 5 sex free days together. If this is what is happening, I know what I have to do because you are right about my feelings for him! THANK YOU!
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
I cannot believe for a second that he is disgusted by you physically - there are no signs of this in what you've said. You certainly do not need to be feeling this way - that you are ugly, I'm sure your confidence has just been knocked by his lack of certainty - and you desperately having a very strong physical attraction towards him hasn't helped this.
He may well have an all or nothing thing going on but you need to be sure about how you feel about this - do you want to be waiting around for him to decide what he wants? You need to ensure that you don't get hurt in this process and to not let him have that level of influence over you, you deserve better than that type of treatment. If you feel he may be confused, put it to him - this would be the only way of finding out for sure.

If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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