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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1198
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I need someone to talk to about my relationship. We just got

Customer Question

I need someone to talk to about my relationship. We just got back together but there are already some issues and I want to talk to someone to see what I should to to fix these. We got back together on Wednesday before her birthday, she broke up with me because she said she was confused about some things. Anyways, we are back together now and she told me how much she means to me, the feelings she has to me and that she wanted to get back together. Friday was her birthday and we had talked bout spending the day together on Saturday. But all of a sudden, she was spending the day with her ex boyfriend that she says is her best friend. We supposed to spend the day together but now she was with him for the day. But on Valentines day, I asked her to be my valentine and she said yes and I wanted to take her out, first she was going to a game with her best friend on Thursday so I asked about Friday and she said yes. Then in the morning, she told me that she had stuff to do. And then today, I wanted to spend the day with her, I asked her Thursday and she said that she wanted to go to a party and she might have to take her grandma somewhere but if not, she will see. Well we did not spend the day together and I found out today that she wants to go to a party that her ex boyfriend is doing. But, I dont think she wanted to go because her best friend seems to be convincing her to go, When I be at basketball games, she ignores me there as well. and then when I get mad and leave she tries to give me attention. I dont know what to do. I dont know why she is trying to avoid me all the time and I want to know what I can do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, I am sorry what is happening and I do understand your concern.

jenhelant :

You both may be at different stages in your life wanting different things and this could be why she is behaving as she is.

jenhelant :

However, actions speak louder than words. Even though she told you how she feels she still needs to be able to show you.

jenhelant :

I would discuss your concerns with her and see what she thinks and feels about it

jenhelant :

Ask her questions such as what she thinks is important in a relationship and how she sees the future.

jenhelant :

By asking her questions you will see how she thinks about your relationship in general and her goals in order to help you decide how to move on. And at the same time by her answering her own questions it will help her come to a realization of what she is wanting to see if it is correlating with her actions. Sometimes people realize things that they were not even aware of and this can promote change in her.

Customer :

that is what I was thinking as well. Its not like she doesnt want to be with me, she told me she really wants to be with me and likes me alot when we got back together this week, but I cant keep doing this anymore.

Customer :

.

jenhelant :

I agree with you. I understand she wants to be with you. However, her actions are not showing this. She is telling you she does, but behaving differently. This is the problem. If you can't deal with it any longer you really shouldn't have to. She is behaving disrespectfully and not treating you as a person should in a relationship.

jenhelant :

There really is no quick fix here. Either she is ready for a serious relationship or not. If you discuss this with her and see how she feels about how a relationship should be then there is not much more you can do. By doing what I said above amend asking her questions will help you see where she is at. She may want a serious relationship, but not know how to go about it. She then may need to learn what is good and what is not in a relationship. By talking about this you will have a chance to save the relationship. However, if this does not work then you may see that you both are possibly at different stages in your life and it may be time for you to either accept her way or move on from here. Either way discussing this is the best way.

Customer :

Do you think she might have a problem with telling me her feelings? I think she is very scared about telling me how she feels and she thinks that I will hurt her or leave her.

jenhelant :

She seems to just be doing what she feels and is not having consideration for your feelings. If she is afraid to talk with you I do not know as it doesn't sound like that based on what you explained. However, how does she respond when you try to talk with her? Does she shy away? Have you asked her why he behaves as she does and does not look to spend time with you?

jenhelant :

I apologize for loosing connection the other day and that is why I did not respond the other day. If you could please change your rating to positive I would appreciate that because your satisfaction is my priority. We can continue until you satisfied with my answer.

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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
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I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.