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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Im 75, happily married twice, first 46 years, bore me 4 children,

Resolved Question:

I'm 75, happily married twice, first 46 years, bore me 4 children, she died of lung cancer, 2nd wife married 5 years, she died of lung cancer. I was lonely and looked for a 3rd wife, met a 61 yr old woman who had 6 lovers in her early life, at 42 married a man who was divorced 5 times, she dated him 3 mos. left him after 6 mos. and went deep into the Lord, worked in missions and other church related work w/o any financial compensations.

I have been dating her for 2 years, I love her and she professes the same. Over the last year numerous arguments ensued. We are in an on again off again relationship. We have decided on a counselor but she dosen't want to talk about her past and has been going to numerous healing sessions. She is unable to explain what she is healing from.

So my question is: Should i continue on with this relationship or move on because we are at a point where we are unable to agree on relationship issues and things are getting worse in our arguments. Of course I do know that i am contributing to our disagrements because i am frustrated ndas i'm unable to express myself to her in our disagreements as she cuts me off and nothing ever gets resolved from my point of view when we argue. She says we have to take our relationship to the Lord for his resolution. I disagree in that I beleive we have to resolve or issues first since we both have been praying for his intervention and nothing has changed in a year.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can understand how you want to resolve this situation now not later. At 75 years of age...you want - and deserve - to live a life of meaning, happiness, compassion and joy. From what you have written...not a lot of that is happening as you are locked into a battle with this woman about what a relationship is.

Dr. L :

Wanting to involve the Lord is all well and fine...but I stand with you on this...both of you have to take an active role in solving the issues between you and waiting for someone else (in this case the Lord) to heal the relationship is unrealistic.

Dr. L :

You also have a good point about the healing sessions she has been attending - what is she attempting to heal from? If she is unwilling to discuss this with you...and unwilling to bring up her past in therapy...then it seems that she is not being an active member in couple's counseling.

Dr. L :

There ought not be any secrets in couple's counseling!

Dr. L :

I see you are typing...I will wait for your response.

Customer:

Based on what i wrote how should I proceed. We are scheduled for a counseling session next week and she did not want to divulge her past where I thought the counselor should know who we were to get to the point we are at. Am I wromg?

Dr. L :

No you are right. The therapist will need background history in order to understand how you got to where you are today. The therapist will do a "diagnostic interview" to start...that means asking about your background, where you were born, past marriages, children rearing, etc. This allows the therapist to formulate a history and provide important data on your values, beliefs, life experiences. This is all very vital information to the therapy process.

Dr. L :

Do you think your partner is afraid of sharing certain information about her past? Or is she just not willing to participate fully in therapy?

Customer:

She is a very private person and as I began to know her family I learned that love expressed is not common. In her past relationships I have been told she did not love any of her lovers except one so i wondered is she capable of love and she answered that a long time ago that she vowed she would let any man control her as she was angry at her Dad who was not proud of her. She is a nurse and just before his death he commented you aren't so bad after all (not an exact quote, She is highly religious and states that we have to take everything to the Lord and he will work things out in His own time. She states that we hav been put together by HIM for a higher purpose.

Dr. L :

And what do you say about that...that you have been put together for a higher purpose?

Customer:

I believe that as a couple we are dynamite and see a lot of good work in His name

Dr. L :

And so does that mean that you are willing to stay in this relationship until His plan is revealed to you?

Dr. L :

And by stay...I mean to continue as you have with the challenges and struggles that you write about?

Customer:

I am looking for a wife - so I don't know how much patience i have as I am very frustrated and easly angered which is not the old me.

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand your position. Let me ask you this:

Dr. L :

Knowing that you have one, and only one, life to live is this the woman you want to be with?And...are you willing to wait for the relationship to unfold/evolve/grow?

Customer:

I am to some extent if I see a forward movement in our relationship however, things are getting worse for both of us as we have now accululated a lot of words said in anger that can't be undone.

Dr. L :

Yes...that is exactly the point...you need some reassurance/guarantee that the future will get better...otherwise there is little hope of the future you want...time does seem to be of the essence here.

Customer:

How do you suggest I obtain what you asked?

Dr. L :

Perhaps you would consider setting some time limit to this. Say...going to couple's therapy for 3 months. Setting very specific goals in therapy. And...then at the end of 3 months evaluating if the forward progress you want has been accomplished or if it is time to say good bye.

Customer:

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Dr. L :

Great! Then can you put that in to action when you meet with the therapist? The therapist will ask you about your goal for therapy...and this would be your opportunity to lay it on the line.

Dr. L :

Being specific about what must change...

Customer:

Great! I will take your advice and thank you!!!

Dr. L :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L :

Take care1

Customer:

Am i able to get a copy of yhid session?

Dr. L :

Yes. This chat is saved under your customer identification. That means you can come back any time to read this..or you can print off a copy.

Customer:

Thank You again and goodbye.

Dr. L :

Good bye!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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