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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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The wife of a friend is beginning to really bug me with always

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The wife of a friend is beginning to really bug me with always touching my husband's arm or leaving her hand on his shoulder, or feeding him her food with a fork to his mouth! (I walked into her kitchen for that one.) At church the other day, she called him honey in a way that seemed too familiar, and after that my husband stood talking to her as I 'circled in' three times to get him to leave. (Every other church day he wants to run out the door.) Over the past three years, the only thing we seem to argue about is her.

My husband used to work with her husband and told me he has worked on cultivating a friendship with him over many years. I'm relatively new to the picture, having married my husband a year ago and moving into the house (that he had owned with his ex-wife) two years before then. At our wedding his friend's wife sat right behind my husband during the ceremony (instead of letting my or his family sit there) and I'm beginning to think that he moved back for her. He tells me that he has no interest in her but it's as if she and her husband walk on water as far as he is concerned. No one else interests him much.

Getting back to the other day, I never said anything after leaving the church but when we argued about something else my anger about her came out and my husband, who doesn't like to argue and who easily gets defensive, is now saying that he's never going back to the church. What should I do about this woman and the possibility of wrecking his friendship with his friend if I say something?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I would like to help, but could you please clarify for me. You said you ended up bringing her up and your husband got upset and now doesn't want to go back to church. However, you had mentioned that you both have been fighting only about her for the last 3 years. Can you please explain whether or not this is the first time you brought this up or not and what were his responses prior?

Thanks,
Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He usually gets defensive. He's says he's not interested in her. I've just had it because of other things that have happened with her that I didn't mention. He gave her a bear hug once, picked her up and said ummmm as I sat in the car leaving their place. The window was open so I heard him. He had her phone number memorized yet always had to look up her husband a number. Yet says he never calls her. Once stood face to face with her on a beach rock and talked to her as we were all walking. He said it's her actions not his that I should be angry about. What do you think? Do I have a right to be angry? Should I talk to her directly and what would I say?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I think you have a right to be angry. Regardless if it is her actions he needs to be able to put her in her place respectfully XXXXX XXXXX They are both crossing the line here and it is up to him to allow it to continue or not. There is no reason to talk with her because it is not her you have the commitment with. He is the one that is responsible here and needs to do is part. I would try asking him why he feelings nothing is wrong with both their behavior. Also, ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around. Ask him if he feels he is crossing the line by the way he reacts to her gestures even if it is her that starts it. By asking him these questions you will get a sense of how he thinks to see how change can be made. It will also help him to,maybe see things from a different light. As he needs to explain what he feels to you he may come to a realization that he has never before. And this can spark change. Of course, try and talk without blaming or judging, but rather in a concerned manner because this will cause him to be less defensive.

I wish you well and please let me known if I can be of further help.

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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