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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Been seeing a man for 5 months. We both are in the process

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Been seeing a man for 5 months. We both are in the process of filing for divorce. I have been separated for 7 years. He married his spouse for the wrong reasons, not for love but so his children could have a mother figure. His wife doesn't want a divorce and putting pressure on him. He is a VP in a major company. We made many plans for our future together. Then like overnight, he called to tell me we need to go our separate ways to work out our divorces without any drama and he could focus on his job since I was a distraction because of how much he loves me. Then when we get back together, there will be no drama, don't have to hide our relationship, and doesn't matter what people say. I was so hurt because the few times I wanted to take some time apart he convinced me not to . Two days later I get a text from him telling me I love you more than you know, want to call you but don't want to upset you more, and I hope we can get past once everything is done. My question is what do you think he really wants and what does part of the sentence"I hope we can get past" mean. It's like he left out some words. I believe "once everything is done" refers to our divorces final. I am a retired social worker but can't seem to quit analyzing every single word. Thanks so much for your time and attention. Alis
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, I understand why you may want to read into every word in order to be sure of what he meant that way you can protect yourself and make the right decision moving forward. I am sorry he has done this and see why it can be so frustrating since just before he was convincing you not to go. Based on what you explained it seems to me that he is just under a lot of stress right now. Rather than defending your relationship he feels separating to ease the stress will work better. This could mean that he is not sure what to do and part of him wants to try to work on his marriage, but only he knows for sure if this is true or not. He very well may want nothing to do with his ex, but this doesn't change the fact that the way he is handling this may not be best. Rather than show your relationship he has been wanting to hide it and this can be due to the fact that he does n ot want to make the divorce more complicated than it already is. He must feel t that his wife is already giving him enough trouble with the divorce that if she found out about you both she would just make it more difficult and complicated. " I hope we can get past" seems to indicate that he just wants to get past all this drama and have a normal relationship with you without all of the negative external influences. Also, " once everything is done" seems to mean to me like you said when your divorced are final. However, if you are confused there is nothing wrong with discussing things with him and clearing the air. You wouldn't want to wait around for him with confusion in your heart or mind, so it would be good to clear the air with him. It really is up to you how you would like to proceed with this, but a good indicator would be is while you both are in contact to see if things are remaining stagnant or moving forward with his situation. Also, see if his actions or words have changed a little plus you may want to discuss an approx time frame he is thinking about when everything would be final because that is only fair for you to know. I hope everything works out for the best and please let me know if I can be of further help.

Customer: He has told me several times regardless if I was in the picture or not, he still would need to end this marriage. He thought in time he would eventually fall in love with her or develop some physical attraction. However, after 6 years of marriage, he says he still feels nothing and only goes through the motions of sex picturing a past girlfriends face to get through it. I agree with the stress which I'm sure is extreme. He is quite wealthy and he had to pay his previous ex-wife a large sum of money to get the children. This current wife spends lots of money to keep up with the jones so to speak. In Texas, I believe there is a state law on adultery although they had been living apart for 3 months. He's trying to keep things with her amicable and doesn't want her to find out about me. There are a few people that have found out about us that's weighing on his mind. He knows I don't like him going to their home where she is but says he still has to due to seeing his children, getting taxes sorted out, financial/business reasons. He's told me shes doing everything she can to keep him. He is vice chairman of the houston rodeo and livestock show and she is on a committee which is currently happening feb. 21 - march 17. I was suppose to be there on feb 22 and 23 with him but she decided she would go on those days as well which he said she never has before. A friend of mind told me her profile picture on Facebook is one of her and him taken on the 22nd. I've reasoned in my mind that since hardly anyone at the rodeo knows of their marital problems, I can see someone saying let me take y'all's picture. It's her that's leaning into him. Then on the 23rd one of her friends posted that she and her "hubby" were riding back in a limo. Again, to reason into mind, I can see her inviting herself and him allowing it to keep things amicable . Or she may sense he's seeing someone else and put pressure on him so he's complying to some of her demands. I'm trying to not call or text him at all and wait it out. He's also told me she has been questioning him on the urgency of the divorce. The other day when he wanted us to go separate ways for awhile, he said he wanted to make sure the finances and property settlement was correct and read over carefully regardless if it took 2 weeks, a month, or 3 months. I just don't understand how someone can do a complete 360 degree turn almost overnight when we both have said we love each other so much, know this relationship feels so right, and he even asked me to marry him at Moms house. He's was constantly asking me almost every day was I sure I loved him, was I sure he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life wife, and was I sure I wanted to marry him. I was constantly reaffirming this. He told me he's never loved anyone as much as me, I was such an addiction and distraction because of that, and never has he felt possessive or jealous of a woman as he has for me and couldn't stand the thought of me ever being with anyone else. I even had to get a new cell number for him to keep other guys for calling. I'm just confused because I've never let my guard down much less involved in another relationship. Thanks.
Customer: Also, the discussion on go our separate ways was on Feb 23 and the text on I love you more than you know, I hope we get past, and "never was it what I wanted to say "was almost midnight on Feb 24 which would have been after the limo ride and after her new profile picture.
jenhelant :

Thanks for explaining. I sure do understand your frustrations and I agree with everything you have said. I think the reason for the 360 turnaround was due to her putting pressure on him and he suddenly not able into continue under the current conditions. His feelings have not changed and this is why he texted you those things. He wishes things could he different, but at the present he feels this is the right thing to do. I think he was just dealing with all of this within him and just one day woke and felt the pressure to thick on him. As for how long you would like to wait really depends on you , but as I said it would be good to continue to analyze the situation and see how things go in order for you to remain aware and make the right decision for you personally.

Customer: You have been quite helpful and I really appreciate your feedback. The last couple of days has been a bizarre turn of events I am deeply struggling with. I just now read your post to my earlier response. Why????? Because I just got home from the hospital. After church Sunday, there was a big blow up with my 3 girls and husband ranging from me wanting a divorce again to my middle girl who is 21 blabbing to my husband (her dad) about the guy I had been seeing although they are aware of 3 different affairs he has had in our marriage in which I remained with him each time for the sake of the girls. I also listened to how much they resented me. The difference is its ok with dad's current affair because he works out of town and they don't see or hear him talk to her. As for me, they are here at the house when Mark calls me and can hear me talking to him although he lives out if state as well. Everything was my fault and I'm a very bad mom regardless of the years I was their only parent around providing for them. I was sooo upset and tried to call Mark just to hear his voice and talk to him briefly. After calling a few times and him not answering, I sent him a text that said " believe me, I really tried and don't want to call you but I really need to talk to you right now. " I get a text back that says " I am not talking to you ever again. Do not ever call me or text me. " OMG .... What another blow in the face! I couldn't deal with it anymore and just wanted to go to sleep. Not kill myself but go to sleep. Now remind you, I am a social worker and should know better! I took several pills and got in my jeep liberty. Next thing I know, I totalled out my jeep, cuts and bruises and very lucky to be alive . The medicine I took was Tylenol 3 with codeine so medical team concerned with acute liver failure. My first cousin and best friend Susan saw my cell trying to piece together chain of events that led to accident and saw the text on my cell from Mark. She has just now told me what she did.........she called him and left a message he needed to call her ASAP in which she said he returned her call about an hour later. She was vague on what she told him , thank God since I'm very private, but did tell him I was very upset, had a big blow up with my family including my husband knowing I filed for divorce again which Mark said we were to take care of on this going our separate ways time apart,
Customer: And I was in a MVA with cuts and bruises. Thank God she didn't tell him I overdosed because emotional stability is important to him as well as family relationships although that information was blown! She told him she was aware of the text he sent me. Susan said he listened and asked a few questions but his main focus was on "what was so important that she needed to talk to me about?" Susan told him she did not know the exact reason for that. Susan said she even had doubts he may not have even written that text because it was the total opposite from the text she had seen he sent on I do love you more than you know, never what I wanted to say, hope we can get past once everything done, etc. However, Susan said he came out and said "she kept calling me so I sent her a text not to call or text me anymore." If Susan went through the trouble of calling him out of anger for the text then why didn't she go ahead and ask him why he sent something do cruel but she didn't ask . Susan said he kept focusing on what was soo important I needed to talk to him about. She also said he sounded sincere in saying I hate that she's having to go through this. Now here's the kicker, he told her he tried calling me back but of course no one answered because I was in the hospital. I also saw on my cell tonight that he sent me a text at 11:59pm last night "you there?" Then Susan told me he called her when he got to work this morning again asking if she knew why I was calling him. I am so confused more than ever. What difference should it make why I was calling?'!?!?! Why is that so important to him? Most important, why the cruel text I don't ever want to talk to you again? Why not say I just can't talk to you right now but not the word ever again. Could it be his wife was standing right there? Could it be tough love that when he said separate ways that meant absolutely no contact until everything is done? Could it be he's going through that 2 month commitment she begged for and if it didn't work, he could go on with the divorce which he told me he told her NO because it wouldn't change anything that is decision was made and now he doesn't want to tell me to cause more hurt or worry? Considering everything Mark and I have go e through, all of our conversations in which neither of us were afraid to cry in front if each other of our pasts hurts/ experiences, and finally finding each other after 30 years and it feels so right, planning vacations knowing I already have arranged and have the confirmation numbers . He even told me from all the countries and places he's travelled, none of them does he have any "special memories" and couldn't wait to travel to make memories of us. But then if he really meant what he said in the cruel text, why has he tried to call me back, why would he send me a text, why call Susan back? I truly believe he does love me very much but I'm so confused by his actions. I just can't even read between the lines anymore. I am willing to wait on him as long as he's sincere in his words of wanting us to work once everything is done. Again, thanks for your geniu
jenhelant :

Hi I am so sorry what happened and hope you are doing well physically.

jenhelant :

His actions are confusing. However, I do think

jenhelant :

That his wife could have been there and since he probably told her there is no one involved in order to keep the peace and get what he wants out the divorce he had to respond like that

jenhelant :

He probably made it out as you are someone that likes him and he wants nothing to do with you and had to prove that

jenhelant :

In order for the divorce to go as he plans and her not rebel even more than she is already

jenhelant :

I also think that the reason why he wanted to know so much why you need to talk with him so bad is because he said he needed space. Therefore he is wondering what is so important that needs to be talked about. Have is probably thinking at this point you should not be needing to talk with him given the situation

Customer: I don't quite understand the last paragraph you wrote. Sorry. Could you please explain. Thank you so much.
jenhelant :

Sure no problem

jenhelant :

Since he said he needs space right now to iron everything out this is probably the reason he is wondering so much why you need to talk with him. He probably kept asking your sister what was so important that you needed to talk about because he feels you should not be depending on him at the current time due to his situation.

jenhelant :

I don't think its that he doesn't care, but he needs to speed things along and do what is needed rather than remaining slave to her. It is only fair to himself and you.

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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