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LoveOneAnother
LoveOneAnother, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 33
Experience:  13 years experience working with individuals in various capacities including counseling, leading, and teaching.
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Ive been married for 9 years. My husband is my best friend,

Customer Question

I've been married for 9 years. My husband is my best friend, and the love of my life. We live a very full and stressful life, and I'm afraid our marriage is suffering. We have 6 kids at home (blended family + foster kids we adopted together), and we are business partners.

The business is on the "tipping point" of success or failure, with huge financial implications on either side of the coin--much will be determined in the next few weeks.

We've always had a passionate relationship, with many fights, and many "make-ups". Our personalities are very different. It takes a lot to make me mad ("water off the duck", as my husband says), where my husband has a very short-fuse temper, and gets very mad quickly. When he gets mad, he stays mad, and gets very emotionally distant from me. So, even when I feel I'm "in the right", I will end up apologizing because I can't stand being mad that long, and I want the closeness back.

He has been working super hard on the business, and has developed a lot of good potential deals. He has been traveling a lot, for business. I have been supportive of most of it--but it's been hard to hear of him in sunny locations, eating great dinners, while I'm at home, scraping dollars, eating mac & cheese, keeping family, house and business churning in his abscence. But, all had been going well, and I know its for the best for the business.

However, there was a recent trip oversees for a Trade Show that I was not supportive of. (for many legit financial & business reasons). He booked the trip anyway. (violating our marriage policy of "enthusiastic agreement") I got even more mad, when he wanted to talk about his hotels, and sight seeing he wanted to do. Then, it turns out he only went to the Trade Show 2 of the 4 days, and left early to go to a location in Europe where I've always wanted to go. It happened on a particularly bad day for our business and for me. He texted me how he just had a 4 course dinner on the French Riveria, while I was stuck in traffic on my way home from a hell day at work, wondering if i had enough cans of tuna to make sandwiches for dinner.

We have not been able to talk that much, which has made it worse. He called me today, and I was at the office, so I couldn't talk openly to him. So, told him I had everything under control, and he proceeded to tell me all about another day of exploration and adventure. I told him that I was not interested in hearing about the details of his meals. He got mad. He texted me a few minutes later saying "You're not playing fair. Thanks for the warm thoughts. Talk Soon." I almost laughed. I'm not playing fair?!?? who booked the trip that I didn't agree with in the first place? and can't he be a LITTLE more sensitive to how I might perceive this?

I, of course, apologized for my crabby comment, and said I missed him and loved him, and things will be better when we are living the same life together again. He (short-term fuse again) over-reacted saying (texting) he's just going to close the business on Monday, and find a "real job". He also told me that I should go on a trip when he gets back b/c that is the only way he's going to hear the end of my nagging on this. I can't get a hold of him now, his phone is out of battery, and I won't be able to connect with him again until Monday.

He comes home on Monday, and I'm nervous. I am angry. So angry, and so many things, not just him. This is very unlike me to stay this mad for this long, so I'm worried there is something else wrong with me. I am so mad that I am waking up with fingernail marks in the palm of my hands from clentched fists. But anytime I get mad, about anything, he completely over-reacts. I want his homecoming to be happy, but I don't see that in the cards. How can I put this to rest? I think we are both on the same page that this is the result of the fact we did not have "enthusistic agreement" on this europe trip, but he is still blaming me. I know I could get "over this" very quickly if he made a LITTLE effort to make some deposits in my "love bank", but instead he is getting defensive and making me feel like I should apologize.

I just want to move on, and not be angry anymore.

Thoughts? Help!?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  LoveOneAnother replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

To be fair, this is the first time he has been so blatant about making a decision that is clearly something I am not supportive of...and, I can afford more food--so we are far from "starving", but I don't feel right about spending a lot on groceries when we are on the tipping point on financial freedom or ruin (will know more in a few weeks).


 


So, I do feel he is caring for the family, and he has had a long, hard run, working as hard as he can on the business for the ultimate success for the family--so maybe he deserves a few days off.... But I just don't think it's fair that he expects that when he calls me that I am going to enthusiasically be asking about his trip, and all the details on his fabulous day, when I'm not having a good day. I'm wondering if I'm mad because of some stupid jealousy, and if so, it feels like I own that, and it's my problem.


The easy cave-in/apology to bring peace is an on-going problem.....but I'm not sure how to fix this. If I bring it up, it will be another fight. I have brought it up many times, and he says we both handle anger/arguments in different ways, and he handles it by taking some time/space to think it through that I misinterpret as emotional coolness (which if you saw him, it would be hard to not interpret it that way).


 


We have solved many problems, and this high stress just adding as gasoline to a fire. I'm just not sure how to prepare for his return. He is mad right now, and over-reacting. I want to tell him I'm angry, but I also don't know if I'm "right" to be angry, or if I'm really just mad/angry about many other things (including his travel behavior), and I'm just spinning with no resolution.


 


That's actually why I'm writing. I feel like I can't tell my friends or family because I don't want them to think he's a jerk, or to know what's going on with our business worries. It's hard, I feel like I have no "vent" to my steam-pot of anger/(Jealousy?).


 


I'm sure we'll just have to have a blow-out fight, where I can vent, and he can be mad for a few days, and then we move on.

Expert:  LoveOneAnother replied 1 year ago.
To be fair, I will write more tomorrow, as I am quite tired now. I am almost done for the night. If you would kindly type a single letter or phrase when you see my reply, then I can continue or I'll try reclicking on your question tomorrow.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks, have a goodnight.

Expert:  LoveOneAnother replied 1 year ago.
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