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LoveOneAnother, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 33
Experience:  13 years experience working with individuals in various capacities including counseling, leading, and teaching.
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I have been with this man for three years. We have had many

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I have been with this man for three years. We have had many issues in our relationship. I have my relationship issues with not being able to trust people and giving to much of myself to people who don't care about me. We have had strains due to our parents. And he seems to have a problem telling the truth. Strangely these lies are very small. he says them even though there is no need. whether he had lied or not the outcome would have been the same.
with all this said.. about 9 months ago we had to take a break. He was physically hurting me. From grabbing me too hard on my arm or his body language would be threatening (grabbed me twice leaving bruises and threatening about twice within a two month period). which wasn't normal from what I had seen of him (we were together for two years before this happened). Since we have gotten back together (six months ago) things have been so much better. Less lying, We are more care free, and since he hurt me he hasn't once touched me again in these last six months. And often talks about getting help as soon as he can afford it. I suppose my question is, am I going about this wrong. Through my eyes I see someone who will only let me down later, but that has happened to me time and time again. Am I really staying with someone who will go back to his violent ways. I'm not unsure of how I feel about him. I care about him deeply. But is it healthy?
It sounds as if you think he has changed somewhat from your first break up, but then you question yourself whether or not his new self is for real (e.g. Asking the same questions a couple of times a month). It seems as if you are wanting to know for sure if you can trust him again.

Do you think past performance is a good predictor of present and future behavior? Is his words of assurance that he is not going to hurt you valid if they are not followed by action? It seems as his actions must prove himself.

Also, since you have had a problem with being abused, whether verbal or physical, in the past, oftentimes the person who was abused seeks out the same type of relationship. Do you see this pattern in your relationships?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I believe that people can change I've seen it often enough. I suppose I do see it when he takes the extra effort to calm himself during an argument. I also do see the pattern in my relationships, of mostly verbally abuse. Does this mean that I'm likely "looking" for someone to hurt me? or do I just view every relationship that way?(or even both)

People who have been abused tend to seek out partners that act the same way. This is the cycle of abuse. This is just a generalization though. Thus, it may or may not apply to you. There is a tendency and I would hate to characterize you without knowing you, but you would be the best judge of this. What is important is to look for healthy, supportive life-nurturing relationships with people who have respect for you, who are willing to admit they are wrong when this applies, to be courteous, kind, willing to listen etc.

Ultimately, you are the best judge of whether to stay in the relationship or not, but just analyze it as you go and make sure the talk matches the walk, that real change is taking place.
LoveOneAnother and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi there. It was my pleasure to assist you. Thank you so much for the bonus. I hope everything works out well in your relationship. Best wishes, Lindzee

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