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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1410
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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met a man about 1 1/2 yrs ago. he lives 2 1/2 hrs away. we

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met a man about 1 1/2 yrs ago. he lives 2 1/2 hrs away. we both were at a place celebrating our divorces. he has 2 children, I have one. he was still staying in his home until it was sold for the kids. his father left his mother and his brothers and sisters when he was young and he never saw his father and he will not do that to his kids. he works for a company to which he can work anywhere off of his computer. their house sold and he is now renting a house close to where his ex lives with the kids. I have a business and own my home and I have a rental home. we spend time together with me going there and him here. with the children and without. his ex is very needy with him and for some reason she does not like me, but never met me until recently. I went there for his sons game. I told him not to tell his ex, so that we could meet. she was rude, stand offish and still wears her wedding ring but on the right hand. his children love me. in past he has planned things with his kids to fit the ex schedule, and she will call him for needs to be done with the kids. she txt him constantly for example, "did you take tommy to watch the game somewhere" tommy is 8. She could ask the child. but txt him. so, our relationship is seeing each other a couple times a month for maybe 2,3 days at a time. we are having issues about the ex, and about his parenting skills. I dont like that he goes to the ex's home for needy things and that he will let his son talk back to him and he tells his son to stop doing something 5-8 times and his son keeps right on doing whatever it is his dad wants him to stop. this is all done i front of his daughter who listens and my son who listens. the other day, my son tried to pull a Tommy to which he was punished. I went to visit on my own last week and I asked where our relationship was going and that I needed some answer. I dont know if he is happy with the way its going or what, but I cant keep going on like this. I told him if he cant say it, then write it. he said he would do that. I think he should move here with me because he doesnt have a home and can work anywhere. I cant move and I told him that. He sees his children every thursday and every other weekend. they dont stay over night on the thursday, but do on the weekends. but, he has made more than one comment about his father leaving them. He would still see his children. I love his kids and would love him to get custody and just be here. his boy listens to me and is happy here. i want to add that he makes a good living and hes not hurting in that field.
i also do well. so we both are independant. we get along good but i just dont know. never done this.
what is your professional opinion about this relationship.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. There are several separate issues going on here and I'm not certain if it matters as far as you are concerned, because regardless of the reasons for these things, the fact remains that this relationship isn't as satisfying to you as it could or should be.
Try to understand that while a lot of this seems black and white, he is stuck in a position where he is torn and he probably stresses about it all the time. He cannot express it because it would show weakness in his parenting or partner skills and that is not something men tend to do easily. Blended family situations generally have some sort of drama attached to it in some form or another and rarely a simple position to be in for one or more of the people involved.
His ex will probably never like you because she is obviously still attached to him in some way, which you already know. While she will always have a connection to him via the children, this is the area in the relationship where you have the most weight. If he is parenting his children in a decent manner, she does not need to interfere as much as she does. This is a problem you need to discuss with him. He has the control here to be able to put a reasonable distance between her and still be a parent without taking anything away from them at all. He is going to have to make this choice. Of course he should see his kids as much as possible, but by reducing the contact with her, this can be done without affecting that part of the equation.
I think you are doing things right as far as keeping communication open with him and asking him where he thinks the relationship is going. I would wait for that correspondence with him before deciding what to do next. This can all be worked out so everyone is somewhat satisfied with the result, but it takes everyone involved to WANT to make this happen. There will be compromise on all sides.
You are handling this properly by having your standards and sticking to them. I would keep working at this. If his kids are happy, this is the most important thing. Keep talking with him and asking him what kind of solutions HE has. Don't tell him how it should be, ask him how he thinks it should be. Keep him involved in the team effort to finding a good solution to this, don't just make it you vs him vs his ex. You will get resistance and he will feel forced to take sides and be defensive. Avoid this as much as you can. Tell him you really want this to work out, but things need to change and ask him how he would change things. It may take some time to work through it, but if you really care about him and he does you, then you both should be able to work through the details. Explaining to him how seeing his kids wouldn't change if he moved and about how much it would mean to you will help him see things from a different perspective. It is a tough road for everyone in this situation. Find what works for everyone. It can be done!
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1410
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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