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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year & have

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I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year & have lived with him for 8 months. He says he wants to marry me & we discuss it, but doesn't have the money for a ring. I'm beginning to wonder if he really wants to marry me or is trying to make excuses to not to. I know he loves me without a doubt, but he was married once already & then in a long-term relationship where both women left him. I would hope that he is not just telling me this to keep me around. What is your opinion on this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I would like to help. Is him not being able to afford the ring his only excuse?

Do you feel that his excuse of the ring is logical and it is true that he can not afford it right now?

Have you ever told him that you would want to get married even with any affordable ring just to marry and that is umimportant? And if so what was his response?

I look forward to your responses, so that I can better answer your question.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have mentioned that just a gold wedding ring is all I need but he says that isn't good enough for him & he wants to do this properly because I deserve it. He was willing to take out $3,000 of his mortgage to help pay for my taxes but did not mention doing this to get me a ring. I don't want to push the issue, but I have my doubts to how serious he is about marrying me. I have told him where I stood on this & how important it is to me to progress in this manner & his response is he thought I knew where he stood & that he is planning on marrying me....I sitll don't know the real reason as to why he didn't marry his last girlfriend as that is what she wanted as well & they were together for almost 7 years.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

Thanks for explaining. It seems to me that it is more than the ring that is holding him back. I would not doubt his care or love for you because I think the problem here is within him. He may have insecurity issues and be afraid to marry again. Its like he wants to, but could be worried about the changes he feels marriage could bring. He may prefer to keep things as they are out of comfort. Also, if he was hurt in the past this could be another reason as to why he is afraid to take the step in marriage. Marriage is a serious commitment and he doesn't want to make a mistake the second time around. He is sure about you, but sounds afraid to take the step. You still have time since been together a little over a year, but is really up to you how long you want to wait. A good indicator of this would be to see if the relationship is moving forward or remaining stagnant. If things are going well and growing this means they are heading in the right direction and you will feel this in your heart. Also, try discussing possible fears with him and asking him questions. This can help you to understand where his mind is at in order to determine how to proceed as well as help him to learn about himself better, so he can realize what is happening and possibly make some change sooner than later.

I wish you both the best and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello! I have another issue I hope you can help me with. My boyfriend has within the past week distanced himself from me. I have noticed some changes in his behavior towards me. We got into a discussion about some issues he is having & I got frustrated with not being able to communicate with him so I didn't speak to him for a few hours. He eventually asked me what was wrong & I told him I could ask him what is wrong. He tells me that he has issues of things he needs to work out (I know alot of it is tax issues) & he has felt the distance between us & that it's not me, it's him. He said his feelings for me has not changed nor his plans for us. We have lived together for almost a year now & things have been great up until now. Is he trying to gently break it off with me or do you believe that men distant themselves to deal with issues of their own to solve them? I really need some advice as I would like to know what to do. Thank you!

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I really do think that he is being honest with you. You mentioned he does have tax issues, so this can be wearing him down. Some people do not know how to separate their own personal stresses and their relationships in order to use the relationship as support rather than push it away. However, it is not an easy task and it is quite common for people who have issues within themselves to push loved ones away especially when it leads to depression. Depression can take a huge toll on ones life and prevent them from doing their regular routine. I would not take his behavior personally. He may just be going through a low phase in his life, but does not mean he will not be able to work through it and get back on track. I would let him know that you are there for him and encourage him to let you in, so you can be there to help him. Let him know how you feel when he is distant and you are aware that he is going through these issues, but want to work through everything together as a team. You want to be his support and visa versa. This will help your relationship to grow and strengthen. Sometimes it really is the a storms that make the couple grow to a new level when they stick through it.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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