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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1837
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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What would you do if: You have a cousin you go skating with

Resolved Question:

What would you do if: You have a cousin you go skating with or do things with every now and then. You start dating a man you enjoy spending time with. The man tells you after two months dating that "you're the one he wants to be with...he's never felt this way about any other woman before in his life". Side note: this man was also at the skating rink every time she and her cousin would be there and he admired her at a distance, but she never knew. Back to issue: He, during one of their serious conversations put things on the table about past relationships (wanted no skeletons in the closet). She talks about her past relationship and how it ended. He shares with her his brief encounter with her cousin (they were not dating, but they messed around a bit though she was seeing other guys which she would tell him, and he was on the verge of divorcing his wife, which he is now divorced for about 2 yrs now). Based on what he shared with her, she is now feeling guilty but really, really likes this man a whole lot. He tells her that he isn't going anywhere because she is the one! He shares with her, that he feels she is holding back in the relationship based on what she now knows. She wants to speak with her cousin but is afraid how she would respond. She wants to do this after their relationship is 6 months old to see where they're going and to see if he's really serious. Right now she says he treats her so special just the way she's been praying for. Why, they even went to Aruba and had a great time! She cries because of what she now knows due to her really liking this man and really wanting to make a go of it. She asked two of her dearest friends (male/female) their opinion and they said to her "you should not date him! It's wrong!" She asked my opinion and I told her that she's losing out on love worrying about what people would say when, 1) the two weren't committed in a relationship, 2) they weren't even dating...just messed around briefly, 3) they hadn't been with each other in over a year, 4) he's told her she's the one and that he's never felt this way before, and 5) you might lose out on your true love carrying this heavy baggage feeling guilty when you are innocent even though the universe would think you did something that is taboo, i.e., dating someone your cousin messed with. PLEASE ADVISE ME ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS AND WHAT WOULD YOU TELL HER TO HELP GET OVER HER GUILT NOW THAT SHE'S BEEN MADE AWARE OF HIS PAST HISTORY. Should they together speak with her cousin? Should she do it alone? What should be said? How should it be said? Help!
Thanks.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Since they were not dating and not in a serious relationship then no one should be feelings guilty.

Deardebra :

I think that the cousin should know what is going on so the couple can move forward and not be focusing on feelings guilty. The cousin could be fine with them dating.

Deardebra :

She might have not have dated the guy because she didn't have feelings for him in that way, so she moved on.

Deardebra :

I feel that the person should tell their cousin on their own.

Deardebra :

The reason is because she might be embarrassed if he is there.

Deardebra :

What she should say is some times people develop strong feelings for each other.

Deardebra :

These feelings are something she never felt before and I never thought that I would find my soul mate but I did. I know it was someone that you have seen before, but I love him, he loves me and we want to be together.

Deardebra :

We have been seeing each other, but it is hard to focus on loving each other because I feel so guilty.

Deardebra :

I would never want to hurt you in anyway and I care about what you think. This has been bothering me so much.

Deardebra :

I just hope that you will understand and that you can be happy for me.

Deardebra :

I knew that what you had with him was not serious and you both never made a commitment.

Deardebra :

Our feelings for each other developed rather quickly and we just new we were in love.

Deardebra :

Some times you just find the right person and I never thought this was going to happen.

Deardebra :

We have discussed it with each other many times on what to do, we even thought about talking with you about it together.

Deardebra :

I want to make sure that you didn't have strong feelings for him because I would feel so bad about this.

Deardebra :

But I want you to know that we truly love each other and we are planning for the future to be together.

Deardebra :

I feel that if the cousin was told it would be a huge burden lifted off them so that they could focus on each other. They don't want this to effect their relationship where their concern becomes the cousin and they don't focus on loving each other, growing as a couple and creating a strong bond.

Deardebra :

The couple has strong feelings for each other and should bot feel guilty because they fell in love. Not everyone has an attraction to each other. Once you find that special someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

Deardebra :

This couple has found true love and they should be together.

Deardebra :

The connection they have is something they shouldn't hide, it would be so much better if she comes right out and tells her that she loves him. The cousin should be happy for her that she found the love of her life.

Customer:

so she shouldn't feel convicted based on her friends advice?

Deardebra :

People all have different opinions when it comes to relationships. That is her friends opinion, but she doesn't know how much in love the couple is, so she can't say what she would do in this situation.

Deardebra :

When it comes to the cousin and his relationship there wasn't a relationship they never dated.

Customer:

but they were intimate, though she didn't know this at the time.

Deardebra :

If she didn't know any of this then she should not in anyway feel bad. This was something she didn't know. These people are in love and this should not effect their relationship. They have a future together.

Customer:

thanks...I will share this.

Deardebra :

You welcome

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1837
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
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I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.