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ben0308, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 41
Experience:  Over 30 years of experience in working with relationship issues
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Hi - my ex and I broke up 11 days ago

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Hi - my ex and I broke up 11 days ago (not that I'm counting). We've been together 11 months. I am 46 he is 48. We have children from previous relationships - I have a 16 year old son and a 4 year old boy and he has an 8 year old girl and a 10 year old boy.

We met on a dating site. We live 50 miles apart - but he was able to stay with me most of the week (he travels around with his job) - and I would stay at his alternate weekends. We fell in love very quickly and it has been the most wonderful and beautiful relationship. We have both said that we have met the loves of our lives, and despite the complexities of the relationship in terms of children and distance - would somehow work things out eventually, so that one day we would live together and marry.

Up until Christmas this arrangement worked fine and our relationship was as loving and as close as ever. I have never felt so close, in love and connected with anyone. During December and January there were numerous stressful issues to deal with - Christmas, many birthdays, I was very ill over the Christmas period, my mum was seriously ill in hospital and nearly lost her life, my sister was taken ill, had stressful issues with both of our respective ex's etc etc....... the list seemed endless. My partner seemed increasingly very stressed (understandably so) - he was trying to keep everyone happy; me, his mum, his children, dealing with work..... so much so that he ended up in hospital for serious checks (thought he had had a brain haemorrage). Everything combined, he took 3 weeks off work with stress. Just before and during this time he had started to become distant to me - just little things like not calling as often, lack of loving text messages, strained phone calls. However, when we met up with one another things were absolutely lovely - we had a very loving, affectionate and intimate relationship - and this did not change. However, he initially chose to say that living out of a suitcase (whilst staying at mine) and not being at home for the majority of the time was getting too much for him. All the charging around..... Additionally, he couldn't compute how in the future (2 years down the line when my older son had gone to University) how his children would feel about me moving in with him, together with my then 6 year old. He was bothered that they would resent him living full time with another person's child, whilst his own children he only saw each weekend. As such we talked it through and for 3 weeks we were okay again. Then he said he couldn't mentally handle the stress of this and again said he wanted to split. Our recent split was so incredibly painful for both of us. Extremely tearful goodbye. I have never felt so heartbroken in my life. We love each other so deeply, have never argued, haven't cheated ......basically we have both said we have such great chemistry and are so right for each other. As such, our split seems madness. I am giving him space to think, but I am so overwhelmed with pain of losing such a beautiful man in my life. Trying to be strong, but my God its hard.....Any advice would be so greatfully received. Just so heartbroken

ben0308 :

Hello, I will try my best to be of some help. I am so sorry you are going through this big loss right now. It certainly sounds like you both really do love each other and would like very much for things to work out, but the geographic distance between the two of you along with the kids and the stress of you both being ill and the family stress with both of your ex's may have just really knocked him down. I think allowing him some time and space to think things through could be very helpful. When you said your goodbyes did he say that he did not want you to call him or text him at all? If not, then I would on occasion call or text or email him just to say hi and see how he is doing. Let me know your thoughts


We had a very tearful goodbye where he said that I was the love of his life, he would never love anyone as much as me - but that he had to let his head rule his heart. He said he wished I was the mother of his children, and if we didn't have these complexities we would be married by now. I said, as I was do distressed, that I would most probably need to contact him by phone or see him, as the pain of the breakup was too much to bear. I have, however, made no contact with him - it's killing me, but I feel it is by far the best way to give him space and time to think. I know he will miss me, but I am worried that if he has his 'practical' and 'logical' head on, that his head will rule his heart - and he will be resolute with his decision that there are too many issues getting in the way of our relationship - even though he has told me many many times that we are so right for each other. I feel because of this logical stubborness he is throwing away the most wonderful relationship (he said he has gone through a lifetime and never loved anyone half as much as me). I truly feel the 'problems' we have with distance and blending two families together are not insurmountable. Once my older boy has gone to University (2 years) I will then be in a position (as my job is flexible) to move in with him. Surely his children would not want him to be a single man for the rest of his life that they see every other weekend, but a man in a loving committed relationship and a family home. I would love (and do love) his children and would be another role model to them etc. We just need to sit down and talk to them about our future plans.


The problem is, we never properly had the 'conversation' of how we were going to formulate a plan to be together in the future. I so wish we had - its all got so jumbled and confused. Do you think in this circumstance I should continue with the "No Contact" rule - or do you think I should contact him now? I so desperately want to speak to him, see him hold him again........I love him so much and as such do not want to let him walk out of my life when we CAN resolve the issues that have pulled us apart.

ben0308 :

Thank you. XXXXX would highly encourage that mabe BOTH of you go see a counselor to see if this situation can be worked out. Perhaps he feels it is just TOO big to work out and he is overwhelmed. If you do contact him I would ask him he would be willing to go and see a counsleor with you to try to work this out someway. Having an outside person to discuss this with may be very helpful. If you contact him, I would let him know you are not trying to make things mor diffcult for him but you are also trying to deal with this situation and you are highly affected by his decision as well which is upsetting to you. You both have invested a great deal of time and energy into this relationship for it to just end so abruptly with not even trying everything you can to try to salvage it some way. Thoughts?............


Thank you for your comments - very thought provoking. I can honestly say I am really in two minds whether to contact him yet - so want to - its driving me crazy not speaking to him. However its not even 2 weeks since we split (although it feels like a lifetime). Do you think I should leave it say another week to see if he will contact me, or should I just bite the bullet and call him to see how he is? So conscious I don't want to pressure him and want to give him space, and not sure whether I will have given him enough time to fully think about everything and have chance to miss me properly. Don't want to play any mind games (too old for that) - but so need some answers now. The whole situation has driven me to distraction - can't think of anything else. Nothing would make me happier than to be back together - but so need that to be on a level playing field where I haven't chased him, and that he truly wants to be with me for the right reasons. (All my family and friends are recommending I do not contact him just yet, but I don't want him to fully accept the situation and mentally move on - thinking that I'm not contacting him so I can't be that bothered anymore).

ben0308 :

I hear exactly what you are saying and thinking and you are thinking very soundly I believe. However, you are also most affected by this situation and have the right to have your input and feelings heard as well. I can't tell you to contact him now or not to contact him and wait a week. I think you need to go with what YOUR gut is telling you to do. If you decide to contact him and he does not respond or he does respond but in a negative way, then you have your answer and at least you have tried. At that point, it is now up to him to make the next move or not. What he choses to do or not do is out of your hands; you have no control over his choices or decisions or behavior. I hope this makes sense. Remember, I am here for you for any future needs or concerns. We all tend to turn to others to help us decide what to do in so many situations, but in the end, the untlimate decision rests with us alone. I wish you the best. Would love to know what you decide to do and how it goes. Thank you


Many thanks - your words make real sense. IF I do manage to contact him, and if he is remotely open to the idea, then counselling may the way forward - just need a neutral person to look at the overall situation and give advice. He has been too overwhelmed with everything of late to think straight. I really appreciate all your comments, and I will certainly let you know how I get on. I will most likely be in touch again if I need further advice. Helps so much to talk /communicate things through. Best wishes for now.

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Hello Just been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. Please know I am here for you for any further support. The best to you

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