How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
40019946
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

We dated 6 mths ago. After the 3rd, he went thru a freak-out

Resolved Question:

We dated 6 mths ago.
After the 3rd, he went thru a freak-out stage because of a misunderstanding.
2 mths later, he texted me saying he misses me and wants to meet.
Later explained why the sudden interest in having to meet that day: He hoped to start the new year with me.
Everything was going great.
He had told me I was truly amazing, had strong feelings for me, wanted me to meet his dad, loved my cooking, cooked for me, sleepovers/cuddle all the time (sex once), wanted to see me everyday after work, and mentioned wanting to grow together in every aspect - within the month of trying again.
Then things turned for the worst.
He had informed me of this chic he used to see was flying in to see him for his bday + a wk (he wasn't up for it), and asked for my input. My response was "should I be worried?", he assured me not. I let it be, but didn't like the way I felt being pushed to the side to give her time.
After she left, I let him know (in person) how I felt and that I questioned how I should feel about him, and the words
" I just don't want you to expect me to have strong feelings for you" slipped. He responded "I don't expect anything from you, but your honesty". End of conversation.
Awkwardness grew.. Little-no texts/calls as days went by.
I held my tongue for a couple of days before I felt compelled to tell him via text that "the truth is.. I do have feelings for you".
He replied, "I can pick you up tom. "
Not having seen it as a question, but merely a statement I left it with no response. *My wrong #1*
Tom. came and bc I'm busy studying for an exam, throughout the day I put my phone on sleep mode (he knows this) and I did not get the chance to confirm meeting. *My wrong #2*
The time came around where I knew he'd definitely be out of work I gave him a half hr, waiting on his call. No call.
Bc he was avoiding my call and my texts- which went through as texts not imessages, but usually happens if he receives messages at certain areas in his apt- felt as though something was up, and thought he was mad at my no response to his text and so I sent him a text "I'm coming over". And did. *My wrong #3*
Prior to this, one night we did have a fight because I had supposedly made him go crazy for leaving him hanging on a text with no response. He asked that I do not make him go crazy again. Which is why I felt the need to drive.
Because he didn't reply with a "no", made me think that he wasn't at all bothered by it, but still mad.
Being that he didn't mind seeing me even at the most inopportune times (and even insisted more often than not), I was comfortable enough not to see it as a problem if I came by, having already told him.

What it came down to???.. There was no avoidance on his part.
He went to the spa after work (hence, why texts didn't go thru as imessages).
When he got his phone from the locker, he called and told me everything: how I didn't respond to last night's text, so he made plans for the spa, that I'm freaking him out, and that he'd call me tom. No call.
So I sent him a text the day after to justify my actions and added that I'd make it easy for him with a goodbye. No reply.

I really had just wanted to see him and hug him that night and clear the air because things hadn't felt right.
Honestly, do u think he will ever pass freak-out phase #2 and reach out to me?? Do u think the interest in me is still there? Do guys generally give up after freaking out a second time with a girl, with no intention of working things out?

I'm at a lost and this man was my friend from the start. I miss him.

Please help. I'm patient and would be very much appreciated if you took the time to read this and advise me on this situation with answers to my burning questions.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You have been in promising relationship with a lot of missteps for both of you.

You have talked about your "wrongs" in the matter. You made some bad assumptions, but these were not really wrongs. You could have followed through and communicated your intentions more clearly, and set up actual appointments rather than just assuming that everything would somehow fall into place.

However, he did the same thing on these missed appointments, or rather did NOT do what he or you should have done, and that was to verify time and place and make it clear rather than to keep it hanging.

The worst even was the girlfriend coming in. He was, in a sense, renewing an old flame, and perhaps seeing if it would work.

They spent a week together, doing more than discussing old times and watching TV reruns, I assume, while you were put on hold. A lot of other women would have called it quits because of this, but you hung in, because he showed you great disregard.

If he really cared for you, he would have come by first instead of going to the spa, and if you were more careful you would have confirmed this so that he did not have to be uncertain.

In a sense, it seems that you are both sabotaging this relationship. You are perhaps because you are afraid of rejection and so you sabotage to set up another cause for your breaking up.

He could show more enthusiasm, and that is perhaps why you allow him to be lax in his assumptions.

I suggest that you contact him and tell him that you would like to continue and strengthen the relationship if that is what he wants. Tell him if he is not sure, or does not want to, then you will understand and part company.

You want either to have a good relationship, or get closure, but you do not want a relationship floating in limbo.

Give this one more shot. You have nothing to lose and you have something important to gain: continued and renewed relationship, or closure. Right now you have neither so it is a win/win situation in a certain sense, if you do.

Perhaps you are afraid that it will be the end. It is better to know then to wonder and worry. You may even get a pleasant surprise.

I urge you to give it a chance and see what happens.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much. Your powerful words penetrated through my thick skull and led me to take initiative, which proved to be effective. He notified me that he just needs me to give him some time. I told him he can have all the time in the world he wants I just wanted to know if he were still here. You have helped me greatly. Had I not read what you had to say, I would have continued to assume everything would fall into place, as you say, and eventually let a good friend go.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for sharing that wonderful news with me.

God bless the both of you.

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'm sort of acknowledging this as though I've been let down easy. Part of me feels it's so and that I should, the other can't help but to think that I gave him the option (just as you stated: not sure or don't wish to continue, i'd part company), so why would he instead chose to make things sound hopeful? I really don't understand the reason for him needing time. I never showed signs of neediness, clinginess, or anything negative followed by "ness". As a matter of fact, that was another little fight/disagreement we had, where he'd ask me if I cared about him (not once, twice), bc I wasn't putting out too much when it came to reaching for him. He initiated all forms of contact, and I mean all, with the exception of the last. In the beginning of this whole relationship, I was a bit distraught over a previous breakup (explained this to him) and wanted nothing but a friendship; I wasn't reciprocating feelings (was what he said). He wanted time to think then, too, bc he felt uncomfortable, wanting to be friends but unable to repress how he felt towards me when around me. And I let him. So now that I think about it, this is the third time he's done this whole needing-time-to-think. I don't think I'll be able to deal with it again. He's hot and cold with me. If he were to contact me, how would I go about avoiding this from happening again? I feel as though an ultimatum needs to be reached bc I've about had enough. I just hate missing people. If they want to be present in my life, then they should be present, period; and if they dont, i'd walk them to the door. Should I let him go bc of how disconnected I feel and for the fear that it'd happen again? If by me telling him that i have feelings for him and caring enough to clear whatever problems I assumed we had made him retreat, who's to say that if things were to get more serious or ugly, he wouldn't do it again. People need to learn to talk to the source of their problems.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
*EDITED VERSION*

I'm sort of acknowledging this as though I've been let down easy. Part of me feels it's so and that I should/need to, the other can't help but to think that I gave him the option (just as you stated: not sure or don't wish to continue, i'd part company), so why would he instead choose to make things sound hopeful?

I really don't understand the reason for him needing time. I never showed signs of neediness, clinginess, or anything negative followed by "ness". I've been working on me. As a matter of fact, that was another little fight/disagreement we had, where he'd ask me if I cared about him (not once, twice), bc I wasn't putting out too much when it came to reaching for him. He initiated all forms of contact, and I mean all, with the exception of the last.

In the beginning of this whole relationship, I was a bit distraught over a previous breakup (explained this to him) and wanted nothing but a friendship; i needed a clear head for my set goals. I wasn't reciprocating feelings (was what he said). He wanted time to think then, too, bc he felt uncomfortable, trying to be friends but unable to repress how he felt towards me when around me. And I let him. So now that I think about it, this is the third time he's done this whole needing-time-to-think.

I believe he may have fears of commitment, but so have I.. it had taken me two mths to hold his hand and two mths and a wk to finally kiss him. And currently, I'm studying for the biggest exam of my life to get into med school and may not be able to sustain a relationship during my years of study (this too I explained to him), that's why I value our relationship as more of a good friendship, just so things don't get heavy bc we may have to drift apart. But already with me he spoke of the kind of woman he's looking to be with for the long-haul and his dream of having a kid (not to mention, what he'd like to name him/her), a family. There's also an age difference.. he's 31 and I'm 22, so perhaps these are some things he's factoring into the equation.

But quite frankly, I don't think I'll be able to deal with this needing time thing again. He's hot and cold with me. If he were to contact me, how would I go about avoiding this from happening again?
I feel as though an ultimatum needs to be reached bc I've about had enough.

I just hate missing people. If they want to be present in my life, then they should be present, period; and if they dont, i'd walk them to the door.

Should I let him go bc of how disconnected I feel and for the fear that it'd happen again? If by me telling him that i have feelings for him and caring enough to clear whatever problems I assumed we had, made him retreat, who's to say that if things were to get more serious or ugly, he wouldn't do it again.

People need to learn to talk to the source of their problems.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

It seems that you are still going around in circles. He comes across as a very insecure and immature person, unable to understand that he has to give you more encouragement and enthusiasm.

You have already bared your soul to him and revealed your feelings, but that was evidently not enough.

You sound as if you are at the end of the line, having done all you believe that was sufficient.

He may not be able to respond correctly, and that may be your sorrow but not your fault or responsibility. It seems that the ball is in his court now. You may be tiring of the game, however, and if you are it is always an option to leave the game and play elsewhere, in a situation where the rules are clearer and both sides share enthusiasm for the game.

I shall continue to keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
1412 Satisfied Customers
35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.