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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My wife and I have been together for 8 years. When I met her

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My wife and I have been together for 8 years. When I met her I was smoking a lot of weed. I was pretty much an addict. After about 6 months my wife gave me an ultimatum and said it was either me or the marajuana. I didn't want to lose her so I agreed to give it up. I did quit the daily addiction but was still partial to the occasional joint. I didn't want her to know so I lied about it. This has been happening for the last 8 years. I can't understand why she has such a massive issue with it and I hate been told what to do. I know I am no longer an addict but I still enjoy having a joint once every month or two. Her biggest issue is that I have been lying about it which I understand. I know that I haven't gone about it the right way and I have caused a very serious issue and have to blame myself. My dilemma is I have tried to completely abstain but sooner or later the rebellious streak in me comes out and I smoke one and lie to her about it. I got sick of lying and finally realised it is not the right way to go about it so I told her a few months ago that I am going to smoke the occasional joint whether she likes it or not as I don't see the harm. She can't accept this because it is ''drugs''. I can't understand how such a minor thing can be such a major issue and I don't know if I can be told what to do, especially when I don't see the harm. Any advice is much appreciated.
Hello. You did the right thing by standing your ground and telling her that you are going to occasionally smoke whether she likes it or not. It is better than lying. Have you tried having a rational discussion with her about the benefits of weed and the dangers of alcohol and legal, prescription drugs? Perhaps gathering some data showing actual facts would help her understand that marijuana is not the end of the world and is actually quite safe compared to a lot of other legal options.
Explain how you gave up your daily use for her and that you live a productive life which does not effect your relationship in any way. Try having a discussion with her that shows your point of view without being overbearing and demanding that she accept it, just try to get her to see that it isn't as bad as she thinks.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dear Dr. Paige,


Thank you for your advice. It took my 8 years to come to stand my ground about it. I don't know why. Probably because I was afraid she would leave me or because I didn't think it was very serious lying about it. I regret it but the damage is done. She doesn't completely trust me and the mistrust has spread to other areas. I have tried the rational discussion but she doesn't see my point of view and never will. In her mind drugs are drugs. I find it hard to understand and accept her views on this. I don't think all the data in the world would change her mind. She says she can't accept having a husband who is a ''drug'' user. The real issue really is the lying and lack of trust. To be fair to her although I stood my ground I still find it hard to admit to smoking a joint because of her reaction. Lying always seems easier. I know you are going to advise me to always be honest and I know this is good advice, its just not always easy to follow. what advice would you give my wife? I know she will never accept this about me whatever the facts. If she cannot accept it what should we do?

if she cannot ever accept it, then you both need to make the decision about what to do. In order to make any headway with it, she at least has to be open to seeing your side of it. I know you have probably had a million discussions about this with her, and losing trust for any reason is very stressful on any relationship. At this point, I would put the ball in her court and ask her what actions that you can take to help her deal with the issues that she is having. I'm sure you have apologized to her about lying and you should continue to do so whenever you have any talks with her in order to make sure she knows that you know that some of the blame falls on you and that you accept that.
Ask her what she wants to do about the relationship and how she wants to proceed. This will cause her to think about it and figure out her own priorities. it may let her see that things cannot stay like this and something has to be compromised on. For her to hold you hostage emotionally about this, is wrong. By asking her what she wants, she has to actually think about what she does expect from you. It's a tough situation you are in for sure, but it can be worked through if BOTH parties are open to working through it.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dear Paige. this is the wife. I happened to come across my husband's question but am surprised at the facts he has left out. I have never had a problem with cannabis and am in fact a registered nurse with psychiatric training so am aware of the pros and cons. but I feel this situation is different. my husband has a long-standing problem with depression and the way he smoked (nearly 24 hours a day) led to me making an ultimatum. he said he chose to stop which I believed in good faith, however, over the years people have told me he never did and smokes at every available opportunity. He never admitted it to me, I just cornered him. My problem is that he uses it as an emotional crutch in a dramatic way, and his lies are no less severe than any other type of drug addict - he will go to extensive lengths to get this chemical. More than that is the way he minimises the problem to get his friends (who happen to be my social network) to lie to me aswell, which leaves me quite isolated. If he had told me years ago that he would never stop I would have chosen to go my own seperate way, but now many years down the line I find myself with the original problem but more difficult to leave.


Hello. I understand there are two sides to everything. It seems as though you are both at an em pass. He has decided that he is going to smoke. Whether it is occasional as he says or all the time as you say, or somewhere in the middle. This is his choice. If you don't like his choice, then you must act as you must for you. I feel the issue here is the lying, regardless of what it is about. He feels justified in the lies because of your reactions and this is where the core of your problem is, and the part that you need to work on, if you both want the marriage to work. It is going to take a lot of discussion and a lot of empathy and the ability to see things from each other's point of view. You may not agree with each other, but if both of you are open to discussion options, compromises and how to move forward, you can make this work. I would love to see both of you seek local counsel if available for couples, as I feel this is not a problem which is impossible to overcome. Being able to have both of you sit face to face with a third party may help a great deal.

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