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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, Ive been married for 23 years have two daughters aged 17

Resolved Question:

Hi, Ive been married for 23 years have two daughters aged 17 and 14 and have known since I got married that I didnt love my husband. I tried to leave two years into our marriage but got forced back by both sets of families. Ive tried to be a good wife and mother and concentrate on blocking out my feelings but it hasnt worked and now I am feeling very low. My husband suffered severe mental health and depression issues for a good 10 years and I felt extremely guilty at the thought of leaving. Both families are very anti divorce, everyone around us thinks we are the perfect family. I have a part time low paid job and couldnt afford to but my own house and worry about the effect it would have on our girls. I am at my wits end, sex with my husband makes me feel physically sick yet he insists I do it and moans other couples do it 3 times a week. I have no one to talk to, my husband is a practicing Catholic and is very set in his ways. I feel desperate. Helen x
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Dear XXXXX, what you describe here is truly sad, frustrating and I'd say overwhelming for anybody in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

To have been pushed this far to remain married for 25 years because of religious prejudices, totally dismissing you as a human being, your feelings and needs, is just unacceptable. No form of abuse should be tolerated, since it always leads to further abuse and dysfunction.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have tried your best pushing yourself to do something that cannot happen that way, namely to convince yourself it'[s fine to stay and try to make a marriage work when there is no love. You have literally allow your husband and families to victimize you, allowing them to rule your life instead of doing what you know you needed and wanted to do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Helen, as frustrating as it may sound, reality shows you how healthy or destructive it has been to choose to stay all this long. Children are never immune to everything that happens in their parents' individual and marital lives, they are, indeed, shaped by them, and this is why children do not use to benefit but also suffer the consequences of parents' dysfunctions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you know from experience, good intentions are useless when it is about reality. You did your best and self-sabotage all these years because of pressures and fears, concerns about his mental health and then because of your children. What about you? What about your right, need and responsibility to take good care of yourself. not allowing anybody to use or abuse you? parents can try to raise children with really good intentions, love and healthy guidelines, but they all become useless if what we model through our own lives and choices, does show something different. This is why I need to tell you that you for your love towards your daughters to be truly healthy and helpful in their lives, you need to start taking good care of yourself first, since it would be from there that they get most of what truly impacts their live, from values, and beliefs, to the way they personalities develops, which would shape the ways they build their own relationships with men.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am afraid that you have been developing deeper depression for all these years, and it is pushing you to start taking better care of yourself and life. As you said, there are concrete issues and challenges you'd need to face, but you and your daughters need and deserve a healthy and truly fulfilling life, and every "healthy" effort you make would be absolutely worthy transforming your lives. Your husband does and will continue to have financial responsibilities towards you, and for that you need professional legal advice. Please look for individual professional psychotherapy or counseling to work on yourself, these necessary changes, to heal and grow from it, and to cope with all the challenges it would present. Your psychotherapist could also provide family therapy for you and your children to work on this process. Obviously your husband needs regular psychotherapy, but based on your story, it seems that he would not be open even to acknowledge how abusive and destructive it's been for him to lead your lives to the present point.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Finally, please start working on building and promoting a "healthy support system", namely a group of people close to you, who happen to be healthy, mature-assertive and caring enough, willing to support you and this process. In therapy work on developing further assertiveness, on setting boundaries and limits and improving your sense of self-worthiness and coping. Do ask for referrals for group counseling, and / or at least join a support group that could help you complementing individual psychotherapy. Please reflect on this and take consistent action with the right support to create the lives you need and deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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