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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I feel bad when i hear about my girlfriend ex boyfriend, it makes me feel like i wasn't a good girlfriend at all. I'm 20 years old and i know him since he was 14. We had our ups and down but we really had a strong bond. First love. I think that its hard for me to accept the fact that its all over forever... The problem is not now... the problem is before. I still remember when i was crying for him, when he broke up with me and never came back just to ask about me, about my news. I wasnt waiting for him to come back, no just to talk to me like a person. When i tried to talk to him, he was rude and disrispectful... barggainning about his girlfriend. That made me upset because after all the things we lived together, i felt like i was a piece of sh... this now, i still feel a little bit sad. I remember how it took me a year to rebuild myself, when i was there crying. Sometimes i feel guilty, i know he still have that clingy picture of me. I wasn't that clingy but when we went back together, everything went really wrong for the both of us. Sometimes i feel like ive waste my whole time. Til this day, we dont talk. Sometimes its weird because i still remember it but i feel like it has never existed. That break up had an impact on me, on my confidence, on the way i perceive things and people. Sometimes im affraid to bump in him again, its weird to say that but that guy have a big impact on the way i react.. that others dont have on me. I feel like its unconsciously too. He wasn't respectful, never come back to ask about me...I never said i wanted to have a relationship with him, i just wanted him to show me he still care after all.


 


So now that he has a new girlfriend, i wonder how she can live with his manipulative behavior, like that was a big problem for me. I wonder sometimes what did i did wrong, i cant stop comparing myself.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're finding it hard to hear about your ex boyfriend and what he's now up to. You are clearly having moments of reflection about this guy, about what you had together and about what made it good and not so good. You've also mentioned how he's not been very kind to you. I notice that you're still so upset by him be user you've shared so much with him - first loves are always really difficult and first love's rarely leave us, but it's important for you to find your way through this, find new journeys for yourself and think about doing good, positive things for yourself. You deserve to be happy and why shouldn't you work towards that? I hear that your confidence went down a little after your relationship with him; self doubt is quite normal when such things happen, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing - try and find new ways to make things good for you. It may feel like you've wasted your whole life, but another way of looking at this is by thinking that perhaps you've actually learnt something from all of this? What do you think that might be? You may be stronger now, less naive, perhaps more careful of people and being hurt by them but that's not a bad thing. You may feel that you deserve better and more from your life - and again, that's a good thing. :)
You take care of YOU now, you're at an age where you can achieve and do lots of different things - should you wish to, but only if you want to see this then it will become visible to you. Just remember, be kinder to yourself and like you've indicated about this guy - he was disrespectful and unkind to you, but maybe, just maybe, this will have made you slightly stronger. Additionally, you may never get the answers to some of your questions from him, so maybe you need to draw a line under it and let it be. Comparing yourself and trying to understand what you did wrong isn't going to change the current situation as you've both moved on and you're clearly aware that he has not got great attributes if he's manipulative and not been nice to you.

I hope this has helped, do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

Please if you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin :)
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi thank you, XXXXX XXXXX me a lot. You know the thing is that i always want us to have a conversation, but each time ive tried to talk to him before, he was always affraid that it was because i wanted to come back to him. It was not the case, i still wanna talk to him.


 


Ive send him an email yesterday but it went to his junk mail because we're not friends on msn. I dont wanna do it to go back like before. How to show him that im not interested?


 


Even if he feels that im not interested he maybe wont answer me. After that last phone call we had, 8 months has past and when i bump in me, he was lookin at me and he looks sad. Is it a good idea to talk to him? Or not?

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi, he seems to have moved on. You want to talk to him yet there is so much ambivalence around regarding your past relationship, it doesn't sound as though talking to him, showing him you're not interested etc.. would make any difference. Perhaps you're trying to read into things and see things that you want to see - this is not unusual when you've broken up with someone and when you haven't had proper closure, does this make sense? As its hard to move forward when this happens.

It would be better, from what you've said, to leave this alone - I know that this may not be what you're wanting to hear, but it's important to me to be honest, respectful and open with you.

You need to start thinking about your future and your happiness - and how you might work towards this.

If you need me, you know where I am, just put "For Karin" on new questions and I'll pick it up.

Thanks for rating the service and the bonus, it's very much appreciated!
Karin :)
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Someone has told me that when he saw me in June it was because he misses me. That makes sense. Yes you're right, we didn't had the closure i wanted us to have. I feel like we didn't had the right conversation for me to move on.


 


Well, i think that i was chocked that he didn't needed to talk to me about it after all we've had together. Its also hard to see him getting comfortable with another person. That makes me feel weak in a way because it was easy for him to move on.


 


I still feel stuck in that past. I think that i know that we're not meant to be but that past isn't resolve. It didn't finished the right way. When we broke up the first time, we were so close, we were always talking. He was telling me how much im important... I loved our closure and i wish we could stay that way forever. I really loved his company and i thought he loves it too... Ive also put a lot of effort to go back to him.


 


When we broke up the second time, i didn't want us to cut it that way. The way he cut me out of his life was also really hard to accept. What hurts me the most was when i see him never coming back to get that closure again.


 


You're right, really... a conversation will change nothing. I guess i wished that things didn't ended that way and the way our life change. I tried to move on only because i saw him moving on so fast... even if i didn't understand how he can move on from me so faster.


 


I hope i will move on too... i feel stuck in that past not resolve.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, you're waiting for him to provide you with a closure that's similar to your first closure and it seems that hasn't happened and you're finding this really hard...

You really do deserve to be happy and the only way this is likely to even have a chance of happening is if you begin to find ways to let go. You're waiting for him to come back and offer you some answers and this realistically isn't likely to happen - given the circumstances. I totally hear that you would love nothing more than to be able to have some kind of communication with him but if he's not interested or has moved on himself, you'll only be leaving yourself feeling vulnerable again. You don't deserve to treat yourself that way.

Some strategies for you to think about might be to write out all the things you would actually say to him - this is not to give to him but for you to see and visualize all of your emotions and thoughts about your situation. Keep it and add to it if necessary. Now, think about creating a journal for yourself and write out all the things you want to do over the next few weeks. Write them out, write out a realistic time scale by when you can achieve these goals and keep this continuum going until thoughts about him begin to subside. Try and also reconnect with friends (if you've distanced yourself somewhat), arrange to meet for coffees etc.. think about ways to progress in your day to day activities and such.

I hope this is helping.
I wish you only the best and remember - take good care of you. :)
Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much, you helped me to discover those reasons, without your help i couldn't see it.


 


That's so true, i was looking for a closure like the first time because in my head, i only knew that way with him.


 


When he broke up the second time, i even thought he will come back doing the same. You're so right!! I was waiting for him, for for the communication and i admit that it still find it hard to feel like i was naive for waiting that long.


 


In my head, he wasn't a normal human, he was just my boyfriend and if he wasn't my boyfriend, he was my friend but i never thought that i will loose him. I truly cared about him, we felt the same love toward each other, compassion, love, care, joy. The same feelings. He told me so many time that i was important. He talked about me to everybody, to all his friends and family. Nobody knows how much he was the first person to truly make me happy and complete. He said that he was even affraid to loose me... so why did he change completly and move on... i will never know.


 


I miss that time we had...


 


I still think about him time to time because i didn't met someone like him. Someone to bring me those sensations. It makes me sad that he don't need me anymore as before... Thats the problem too.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


No matter what i do i cant move on.


Ive tried everything but those things that i miss are hunting me.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi,
You will get over this and you will move on - of this I am certain, however you and only you can determine when and how.
Take time out for yourself. You're almost grieving over the loss of this relationship and that will naturally take time. He gave you a sense of purpose and the more you try to acknowledge it and let go, the more you will start to see a future of your own. The fact that you're probably not letting anyone in emotionally or mentally is probably a reason too, that you're not allowing yourself to be close to anyone else (this is also related to your experiencing this break up like a loss).

In time things will be better. Start with small steps and see how things go. Have faith in yourself and try to be less negative and focus on the positives - if you can. Perhaps even consider seeing a counselor one to one to talk and explore these emotions and work through this week by week...

Take care and best wishes to you,
Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much! Youre one of the first person that gave me a lot of informations and i feel like you helped me a lot already! Even the councelor i saw didn't helped me that much. I was waiting for that moment. Each time i asked people, they will tell me the same things over and over again but with you i feel like i discover things. Thank you so much, im really grateful!


 


I feel like ive associate a lot of memories with that guy. It turned out to be and obssession and i wonder why ive made myself sick for someone. That really worried me for the futur. The way i gave my all... im affraid of love today because i really take love seriously and even when my ex boyfriend lefted me, i became weird and obssess even if i knew deep down that he wasn't the one for me.


 


I wonder why when i have a boyfriend, i take them so seriously and then i became so clingly. I lost confidence because of them. They all ended by treatin me the same way and i attach a lot of value to the way they perceive me. Im really affraid of guys because i know that its easy to lost my confidence with them.


 


With my ex, it wasn't that bad, he didn't treating bad in the beggining. He was just too flirty. When i grew up, i wasn't happy at all... my dad was too serious and treated me like an adult, he wasn't violent but i grew up with bad friends and negative people.


 


Actually, i will tell you the truth, i never was happy til i met my ex boyfriend who truly made me happy for the first time of my life. Thats why he's important... because in my mind, he will still the first. Til now, i have trouble beeing happy, i feel like i need a guy to make me feel good in life. Its not about love, its about finding a male figure that will give me hapiness because i can't get that pleasure with womens.


 


My ex was that male figure that i wish i will have. He was always supportive and accepted me the way i am. I dont know how to replace that.


 


 

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

I am so glad that what we've talked about here is helping you. You could take some of these realizations and explore them with your counselor as that would then allow you to progress further, what do you think?

You now need to understand and accept all that we've discussed here and begin to think of ways to detach from these negative associations and start thinking positively. Although it does happen, your confidence shouldn't be determined by any one other than yourself, begin to do things YOU want to do, start living for you. Begin and learn to be happy - you owe it to yourself.

You may want to change the way you perceive things in your mind - you don't have to "replace" the ex with the same qualities, perhaps it's more about giving a guy a chance and seeing what qualities, strengths and greatness he brings to the table, you know what I mean?

My best wishes to you May, give yourself the best opportunities from this day on and try hard to not look back... You know where I am if you need further new questions answered.

Please if you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Karin Samms,


 


Sorry if i write to you again, ive realized something really important. The reason why i was stuck.


 


When we got back together, we almost had sex in the beginning ''almost'' and that quickly made my ex boyfriend distant. He went too far and regret it. Well, i became very clingy and obsess with him because i felt his distance after the second date we had. I felt something wrong is his behavior. I wasn't showing him the cute person from the begging that he knew. I became insecure when i felt the distance and i was right because he told me that i wasn't important for him after what we did. I was showing a fragile side of me.


 


He start talking to his ex girlfriend about our issues... that we went too far and that he wasn't sure about us. He wasn't calling me, i was always the one chasing him. Then i became anxious and felt something really wrong... when his ex gf start to not mind her business. He did nothing to chase her, i thought that he was cheating on me...but he said no..


 


I told him why i was acting like that, i think that i became too fragile because i sacrifice a lot of my time (10 months) to come back with him and still i wasn't getting the relationship what we had before. Things were great between us when we got back together, he wasthe same loving person, he was very caring towards me the first day and then after we almost had sex..(because he brings me to his room was persistent he became distant.


 


My ''fragile'' behavior also ruins the way he perceived me and that was another reason why he felt like i wasn't attractive. I think that neither of us was ready to come back together. Things went bad and he left me after 2 weeks for 10 months of efforts... after 2 weeks...


 


I regret what we did and i regret that i showed him my weaknesses. I showed him a weak side of me besause i was anxious, i really loved him and attached importance to our relationship but things were weird. I understand now why it was that easy for him to move on, he was disgusted. I'm not weak... i feel like i left a false picture of ''who im not'' Im not weak, i was the same person but circumstance made me that way.


 


I know that i should have not act that way because he will always think about the ''weak me''. That's my regret, when he lefted me, i start to feel better and healthier. I wasn't healthy psychologically and emotionally because ive made him the center of my life for 10 months and support a lot. I regret it because it wasn't the good timing to get back together and i wish things didn't ended that bad. The first relationship was perfect because i was okay and i felt good.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your support,


 


I want to let it go but i feel like for the past 2 yeas i was living in that regret. Im conscious that i wasn't the only one to blame but i dont think that my ex saw it that way.


 


I think he was mad at me and asking ... why did u act like that. Even if i told him... dont think he will understand.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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