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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello After I last sought guidance with my situation between

Customer Question

Hello

After I last sought guidance with my situation between my husband and I
was surprised when I cam home. Prior to my leaving we had it out about his son. Again, it was not about his son, it was how we relate when it comes to sensitive issues. What I did not mention, is that during this time, he was spending a significant amount of time hanging around with his son downstairs, while I remained upstairs with my daughter. He would say that its because they like sports and we like chick flicks, although true, my husband and I were not spending quality time together. I felt that's why when it came to sensitive issues he was especially cruel.

When I returned from my trip, he began to come upstairs and spend time with me. A lot of time with me. Please note that I did not complain about this part of our relationship so I was pleasantly surprised that he was making this effort. In addition to this, his son began to sit with us at dinner. Still not optimal conversation, but at least he is sitting with us and not ignoring us. Added to this all, my husband is spending much more time with us and actually responding to my daughters more specially. Not ignoring them. I can go on. The past 10 days were much better and I became hopeful again until the other night.

This is the bad - I have another business trip this week and wanted to have dinner with my husband. I was in an especially good mood and giggling about what going on and he was laughing along with me. It took one sentence to change everything.

I simply said "Oh by the way, I took a silly personality test for our company retreat and it was really funny what the results were" Before I could describe the results, he turned to me as said, "those tests can be used against you in a legal dispute." I simply responded, "Les, I've taken many of these test through out my career and i've only had positive results and good experiences from them. I guess I really am not worried about that" and I tried to shift back to the funny result but he stopped me and repeated himself. I reiterated that I'm sorry that he has had a bad experience but i really am not worried and again try to make light of it. He again, pushed on. I was puzzled, and again apologized that he has had bad experiences but I don't understand why this is becoming such a dark topic and asked what happened to him to make this particular topic go to a "dark" place? He repeated himself, that's when I said "I've already said that I am not worried about any legal action but you continue to repeat yourself as if you think I don't get it? Well I get it, I just don't agree with you, so would you please stop being dark and repeating yourself unless you can help me understand why it is such a hot topic for you." He than said "Fine, if you don't care what happens to you, I won't care either!"

I was stunned. The conversation stopped. The mood soured and the baggage weighed heavily. We went home not speaking. I went to bed because I had some work to finish. He ultimately came to bed, offered me a sleeping pill and began to settle in. I was still upset and wanted answers.

I spoke up and asked the WHY question, and we went at it. I shifted gears and walked over to his side of the bed in order to face him. Kneeled down, took his hand, looked him in the eye and apologized for saying that he was "dark." It seemed to work. but then I said "Now there are two sides to this coin, would you please apologize too?" He went cold and said he had nothing to be sorry for ... - That's when I lost it. The worse came out of me. I called him a "jerk" - "ass" "grumpy old man" I got a thank you for that one and ranted about how I took the effort to come to a soft agreement and he could not apologize. After much ranting I then said "you bring me down and I don't know why you do that and it is a miserable awful thing to do for no reason!" He finally looked me in the eye and said "I am sorry for brining you down" it was OK so I took it and stopped. Five minutes later, I felt that I could not breathe and said so. We have not spoken for two days - I am OK with that. I am heading home and have a decision that I'm struggling with.
I don't know if we can truly come to peace with each other and he will not go to counseling. Yet arguments like the above happen every other week. I support the family and during the last episode I felt that it was perhaps time for me and my girls to go but I need to save money so I can leave. Today is the day I am to drop $$ into our account, and I don't feel comfortable doing so. I spent over $50K upgrading his home and over 20K more than he supporting the family in the last year. I provide 70% of the support but now I need the funds to save for a house for me. We have been only married under one year, so the house is in his name and it is what it is, but I feel vulnerable and need to now save for me and my daughters - I don't know what to do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband overreacts to what you say to him. Telling him about a personality test you took should not have brought on such an intense response. How your test threatens him is unclear. But what is clear is that he had an issue with it that he took out on you, and in a very hostile way.

The way he responded left you wondering what went wrong. Since he was not willing to talk about it, you tried to repeat that what had happened was no big deal, which it wasn't. But for some reason (one that he did not seem to be willing to share with you) he used the topic to hurt you by withdrawing and treating you badly. Then you offered to apologize, which was generous on your part. However, he still would not accept it which was another way to hurt you. It is understandable that you ended up losing your temper. You didn't do anything wrong then you got punished for it.

If your husband reacts like this on a regular basis and pushes for what he wants all the time, it makes sense that you would want to leave the relationship. There are no answers for you, nothing you can respond to in order to make things better. And it doesn't sound like you are doing anything to aggravate things, only he is by overreacting and not providing you with answers as to why he overreacts.

If he will not try counseling, there is little else you can do to help improve things directly. However, you may want to try counseling on your own. Leaving a relationship can be difficult, even if the change benefits you. It is a loss. So talking to someone can really help, even if it is just for a few sessions.

Also, talk to an attorney about your options. You may be entitled to part of the home because you put so much into it, especially if you can prove that it was your money that was used. There may also be other ways to split your assets so you can be able to buy a new home for yourself and your children. Ask about what you can do about contributing to the household expenses and if you are required to do so and for how long until you move out.

Find support through family and friends. You need others around you that you can talk with and that can provide objective insight.

Consider opening separate accounts at your bank to begin saving for yourself. Even if it is just a little bit at a time, just the act of creating an account and having something just for yourself can make you feel better.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for the positive rating and very generous bonus! I appreciate it.

Take care and let me know if I can be of assistance in the future,

Kate

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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues