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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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My partner of 6 months went on a work trip 2 months into our

Customer Question

My partner of 6 months went on a work trip 2 months into our relantionship. She met several people. One person in particular apparently grew fond of her during this trip. Upon returning from the trip she kept in touch with my partner via flirty texts. She did not know that my partner was in a new relationship with me. My partner did not tell me anything about this. She decided instead to personally go talk to her and explain that she was in a new relationship (with me) and could not continue on flirting. I dont really know what the conversation was about. My partner only said to me what I just explained and only confessed this to me because of several questions I asked her that day of plans she had with her family.
Since that day they continue to text each other. I know this because on more occasions than I care to remember Ive had my partners phone in hand and have seen the texts come in. I did not snoop and read them but from what I can tell they are just chit chat. And I also know that she has called the house when im not around and they have spoken from time to time.
I trust my partner. And I truly dont believe anything is going on. I dont know the other person so I niether trust nor mistrust her. But I cant help but be bothered everytime I see her texts come in. My partner does not try to hide the texting from me if I happen to see them coming in. But she also never talks about this person to me.
Im not sure if what I feel is jealousy, or upset that my partner feels like its ok that she keeps this open dialogue with this person who is attracted to her. Im not really sure why it is upsetting me and im not sure what to do about it. I dont want to talk to my partner about it b/c im really not a jealous or possesive person.
My mom always said if something doesnt feel right..........
Am I reading to much into this....what should I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

It sounds as though you're having some moments of insecurity; she doesn't come across as hiding or doing anything behind your back but it still doesn't make it easier for you and you may not be possessive or jealous but it clearly is hurting your feelings. It also depends on the type of relationship you both have with one another and it seems a fairly new relationship being 6months in, so you're both still learning about one another and perhaps about each others weaknesses and insecurities.

Within some relationships it would be deemed important to talk this out, explain to her that it really hurts your feelings that this person is sending flirty texts and that perhaps, if the tables were turned how might she feel about it? It's always useful to get the other to look at this way, as sometimes they don't always see their actions impacting on the other person in the relationship.

Your mom is wise, I too, believe that you have to trust your gut instinct - it may well spare you unnecessary heartache at a later date, but until you have evidence, it seems pointless to be accusing her of anything. It seems more sensible to express to your partner your feelings and how it has hurt you (despite her honesty, it is still painful to see...) and take it from there, if she hasn't anything to hide then there shouldn't be an issue and you would expect to both work together to ensure there is some mutual understanding about what is acceptable to you both within the confines of your relationship.

I hope this is helping, do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

Please if you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin :)


Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Karin thank you for your response. Yes it is helpful. You have told me what I already know but I guess I wanted to "read" it from subjective party.


My fear in telling her is that I dont want her to think that she cant tell me these things in the future b/c of my reaction. My intention was never to acuse her but more to let her know that for whatever reason, I dont like that dialogue with someone who has feelings for her. And does she believe that just b/c she told this person that she has a partner and they cant flirt that this would automatically erase whatever feelings this person has for her. I dont really understand why it would not be obviouse to my partner that continuing a relationship with this person, however inocent it may seem to my partner is only, probably feeding into her liking her more.


Im really just not sure what I should do.....

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
I totally hear what you're saying. You are stuck in a dilemma. However sitting here and reading your thoughts and feelings makes me believe that in any relationship, it'd be important to know how the other might be feeling - it is a basic part of loving and caring for one another, don't you think? She may not be doing this deliberately, but whether she's unaware or not - it's hurting you and if you're not honest and open about it, it could affect your relationship long term.

B, you could explain to her that you still want her to remain open and honest with you and that this is one of her traits that you love so much, and that's what you're doing too- being open and honest about your feelings and about how her actions leave you feeling.

Your feelings are totally normal, I don't think many people would accept another person sending their partner flirty text messages and the partner accepting them. It may be naivety but its hurting you, so something needs to be addressed somewhere along the lines and somehow. I hear that you're not being accusatory, so perhaps be careful in how you express yourself (i.e. don't be defensive, but be calm, and express your feelings carefully but firmly).

My best wishes to you B, I hope that you are able to work this out and move on with things.

Please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

If you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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