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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Hi, ive been with my girlfriend for a year and 3 months, its

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Hi, i've been with my girlfriend for a year and 3 months, its been great and we've had a lot of fun. Then 2 weeks ago she just started crying and said she's not felt happy the past few weeks and that 'spark' just isn't there anymore. She says she loves me and wants to be with me & its nothing i've done & she's still attracted to me. she then broke up with me for half a day then wanted to meet up and chat and decided she wanted to be with me and i said that we can work on it and try and find out what your not happy about. since then i just have the feeling she's just not as interested in me as she used to be and really don't know what to do. i really love her and would hate to lose her but she rarely talks to me about any problems, she's been on the pill for a year (without a break) which i've said is bad and it could be that thats causing her to feel down and she's now come off it to see if that helps. we also rarely get intimate any more. Im so confused and havent a clue what to do...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with your girlfriend's feelings and recent actions. She sounds as though there's a lot of confusion there for her- it may well be her hormones which have caused her to feel so lost and uncertain about her decisions, but it might also be something else. Has she in the past had problems in relationships or with making commitment? This might explain some of her concerns. I wonder too, if she and you would be open to try and talk to a counsellor about it together? If this isn't an option, then it may be about giving her some space so that she can truly understand what is going on. She could consider counselling for herself without any pressure as sometimes it can help to talk to someone who has nothing to gain from her choices/decisions etc.... Her feelings and the crying seem quite sudden and so encouraging her to talk to someone impartial such as a GP or a counsellor at the gp surgery might be one option for her to begin to understand her emotions and thoughts better.
You clearly care for her and are concerned and so it would be good for you to be there for her, tell her this and reassure her that you will be there through this process of whatever she is going through and that you will help her work through it - as you really do care for her and are worried about her.
I know you say you haven't been intimate much either and that her feelings seem to have changed for you but this may, like you say, be related to her hormonal change if she's not taken a break from the pill for such a long time. Contraceptive pills can have huge emotional and physical impact on some women if there is a change, so it would be worth her talking this through with a professional, this might also have affected her sexual feelings, some women do go off sex due to hormonal changes.

Try to express how you feel to her by writing it out, reading it through if you needed to, and then perhaps talking through these thoughts and feelings with her - if you feel it might help. Do this so long as she doesn't feel pressurised and cornered - as currently with her emotions being quite unpredictable, you wouldn't want to rock the boat.

I'm here if you want to look at this further.

I hope this is helping, do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

Please if you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi, thanks for the reply. We've not seen a counsellor and don't think it'd be something she would want to do. She won't even go and see the nurse who gives her the pill, and seemed pretty certain that the fact we haven't had sex in 6 months and the pill are anything to do with her feelings however i believe this could be the problem. If i ever try and talk to her about problems she'll usually reply with 'nothning' or it's ok' or 'its fine, doesnt matter' etc. and change the subject making it difficult for me to ever get anything out of her. For her just to change suddenly like this is just odd as a couple of months ago she was saying how much she loved me and how happy i make her.. surely she cant just 'go off' me in a few weeks. Now it just seems like there's a bit of tension, she seems moodey sometimes, or a bit bored but i feel like if i try and ask her about it she'll either just say everything's fine or she'll decide to end it again. Also, when she initially broke up with me she was saying things like 'you're too nice' 'you can go out and have fun now you're single' 'i don't think we can carry on, there's just something missing' 'im here as a friend' etc. (which is exactly what my last girlfriend said a couple of years ago.. seems like deja vu!) Do you think there'd be anything i could do to maybe keep her interested or re ignite that spark?


 


Forgot to mention I'm 22 and she's 21.


 


Thanks! :)

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like there's self doubt for her and its pointing more and more to me that there's a hormonal reason for her unpredictable behaviour of late. She seems aware of her actions as that's why she seems to be pushing you away. You're right in your thoughts that she's not coping very well with whatever 'this' is and she's using avoidance and denial - which won't get her very far and she runs the risk of pushing you further away and leaving you feeling unwanted- this is sad. She's moody too - if this is unusual for her, then there must be a reason for this.

You may need to have a firm conversation with her but with reassurance - that it is not good to push this under the carpet - as these feelings won't simply go away. She needs to understand that the pill can take a while to leave the body completely, and a doctor needs to advise her on this and may offer some solutions short term on how to manage it.

Other than letting her know you're there for her, that she can talk to you and expressing as assertively as you possibly can that she really needs to seek medical advice, there isn't much else you can do.

To answer your final question, valentines day is coming up! You could organise a romantic meal for the both of you, buy her a bouquet of flowers and perhaps a gift. In a card, you could express what we mentioned in my first response - to reassure her that you're in this together. All of the above are meaningful and could be quite significant in trying to break down her barriers (my concern would be for you too though, in case she can't deal with your kindness, but it'd be worth a try?).

Finally, don't doubt yourself! She was really into you up until a few weeks ago, this seems unusual behaviour on her part - so try and remain confident that this doesn't come across as about you. Have faith in yourself. :)

Take care and good luck with trying to encourage her to seek medical support, she may not get very far without it and it would be better to rule this out so she can understand her emotions and actions better.

Please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

If you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin


Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

Just touching base with you and wondering how you got on with my response. Did you make any decisions or are you reflecting on things? I'm wondering how your valentine's day went.

I hope all is well with you; you know where I am if you need further assistance or support, just put "Hi Karin.." at the start of any new questions and I will do my best to help you :)

Take care, Karin

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