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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Its been a year and 19 months since my realtionship started.

Customer Question

It's been a year and 19 months since my realtionship started. We are both in our late 50's and various baggage. From the beginning this guy has been a challenge. Up and down then for two wonderful blissful months last fall he was tender , loving and although financiallystrapped to a degree did small caring things. He did a 360 6 months into the relationship that wa very hot. He has been marriedtwice before. First marriage ended aafter 10 years- one child- she cheated on him -- so he says. second marriage- 4 children almsot 28 years- she cheated- so he says. Both ladies filed forhte divorce.. He was divorced form number 2 when wewere going out. He claimed for 4 years he was alone and she ran around. I have som idea this is true.
I had my fill after 7 months hestarted acting colde and colder. I figured he did not love me and had feelings for the ex- becasue he gave her a xmas gift or he claims she would have been hurt. Afer months of doning her and could not wait to get divorced. Then he booked a vaction for his kids ,ex and me. I refused to go- then he made obvious gestures when we out to another women,. Plus to manyother things. So I dumped him.
He tried to get me back for week then stopped. After three months he called stating he missed me and loved me could not take it any longer. We got bakc together. The first month was great, Then same od nonsense hot and cold.All he did was talk about the ex.
I was ata showwer one day and the next day he said he ran into his ex while out boating with his son. Now he knew why they were not together. So the summer was a bust. Then later August for three weeks he called me only once. He said he hadto get away. Finally he caleld crying one Sunday how he missed me and etc. I asked him if her were still in love with is ex- no - he would love her only becasue she was the mother of his kids,but wasin love wiht me. Thins went well- of course much to go into here. He was better.
After 5 months now he gets into bed( we see each other one night a week and weekends.) may kiss me hug and then rolls over. If I touch him at this point he pushes my arm away, Not every week. But Iwna to kiss he seems to have no interst in this no sex.I really do not believe he has another person. If he does it has to random But he was fine until two weeks ago whne his first wives father died. Then hestarted acting funny. I found a picture of her and her father in his work wallet.
He calls and sounds loving but in person its like I'm not there or there as afiller. I fdo love him do not know why...and he appears to love me. What is happening?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this situation with this guy. He comes across as keen but unable to commit with anyone. Perhaps he has been hurt and feels betrayed by his previous relationships and hence, he's in and out of commitment (emotionally and physically) with you.
The fact that his ex-father in law passed away seems to have made him yet more detached from you and less physical with you too - perhaps there is some level of guilt for the relationship breaking down with his ex-wife. You seem to want affection and a physical relationship with him - he seems not interested right now. He may want to work through some of his emotion and maybe gradually he will be able to connect again with you. It certainly isn't nice to feel invisible or like a "filler" and that is not acceptable. I know that you've tried to remain quiet but perhaps it needs for you to communicate your feelings and thoughts to him? Express that you really want this to work out but that it feels as though he's keeping you at a distance and that doesn't feel good to you. You do deserve better and to be treated with integrity and respect and maybe he needs to realize this?
You come across as sceptical regarding the reasons he gives for his marital breakdowns being relating to the ex - wife's infidelity - do you doubt what he is saying? My feeling is that he needs to work through a fair bit and trust, betrayal and his insecurities may well be some of those issues.
If you feel you cannot cope with his back and forth behaviors then you may need to convey this to him, as it will slowly wear you down even more than you seem to be feeling.

I hope this is helping, do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

Please if you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

My best to you,
Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

All I hear is about his trust issues and being hurt. We all have been there and not to be unkind but 58 years aold grow up. Whne we first met all I heard was how lonely he was.. And he never thought he would find anyone else/ To me you think he would leanr two months of lovign is not enough to sustain a relationship. Ad my God I have been patient. He has to know this is affecting me. Sometimes I think he wnats to make me mad. Then I'll leave him and this will giv him a break from me. Then he can pursue me again.


He jokes aobut dumping me before my birthday. Thne getting me back . I do not find this funny. And I told him you go or we break up then that its forever.


He hates to discuss issues like this and then contends I'm having a meltdown. His bestfriend is going through a marital breakup of sorts. I think he takes all this in and gets scared. I am not asking to get married.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks- I am growing impatient. What gets me is why sabatoge the relationship he claims he wanted? One month he is all loving and then wham it's like he doesn ot want to be bothered. He claims he isn ot the lovey dovey kind. Well I am.. And wwe shall see after this week. Valentines you know. When I go to his home unless he backs off. I go in kiss him and then we watch movies. Tomorrow we are supposed to go out?? I know when we go to bed he will be like i love goodnight . This time I think I'll wait to see if he makes the attempt. If I jsut say good night and turn over then he'll think I am mad. He wil get what he wants. So I just keep being sweet.. It's as though he wnats time off and then whne he relaizes hei s lonley or whatever does what he can to get be back. And sleeps. Last weekend all day SAturday till late evening. Sleep- stare into space. Now he was good for awhile then back again..

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'll check back next week. But if he wants toend it then why not just say so. Unless he wants me to be the one.It's like he is in another world. He may have feelings but they are what makes him happy. And your right time wil tell next week. I really wanted to hold out until my birthday in March, So if he is planning to dump I want to tolerate this and then blow up. Say everything and walk out...and say se la vie--Get it all out in one big swoop!!!/ I do not understnad this type of love. To me and correct me if I am wrong. If you do not want intimacy reason would be


1. You love someone else


2. You dont' love somene but you don't love the person your with


3. You have a physical problem


4. Your scared.


He has been married twice. Now he did love the woemn who ran off with otherds. Gee I wonder why? He is no dummy.


 


 

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Karin- over the weekend he was so so Friday night affectionate. SAturday we wento utduring the day. Later in the evneing he said he enjoys my company and I was a good companion. He was not into all that lovey dovey stuff. So I said what am I doing here tehn? He mumbled something nad did his usual fall asleep nonenset toavoid conversation. So we both feel asleep watching tv. He woke up and did not wake me. I know from previous experience he has left me to sleep there all night. So I fooled him and while he was in the bathroom I got undressed and when he returned went to the bathroom When I returned lights were out and I got inot bed wnet to sleep. No kisss no goodnight. Wy becasue I was pissed. Companion. I told him before thjis wasn ot my interest. I have no asked for marriage or anything so involved.So let me go if all you want is a buddy. I love you.. But it never changes. A day here or there but then back to the same nonsense.


Then Monday when I left he had finished my trunk that he had been working on for nearlythree months, Told me alot oheart and soul went into


this project. I said isnt that what matters ?


He said to call him later. Some times he forgets and calls me. So I waited till 5:30 pm est He was fine


He called yesterday and he helped me with something for a half hour.He seemed more attentive nad kissed for a bit.


I cannot stand this getting into bed turning his back. He says its more comfortable. It has nothing to do with ignoring me, Ok but no touching he


makes gestures lie to get off of him,


I know if we disucss this he will blame me or turn the tables. Liie Sunday he goes you did not kiss me goodnight. ? He knew he said the worn things. And I believe he fretted over it until he fell asleep. So there is my story. I am to see him tonight 2-13 and I have my valentines gifts .He probably will not even have a card.. I plan to give it to him anyway.At some point this will end .because I'll have had my fill or he will not be able to stand me all the time if he wants his freedom more.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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