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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1384
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I was in a relationship for about 3 1/2 years. We have two

Customer Question

I was in a relationship for about 3 1/2 years. We have two kids together (2yrs old and 5 days old).. Two days before the baby was born he moved out of the house.. he told me that day he still loved me.. the following few days he became distant. He did come to the hospital when the baby was born and stayed the 4 days with me.. During that stayed he did tell me he loved me.. The last day however I found a text on his phone where he told my cousin he was crazy about her.. he told me he was just confused.. now he has decided that he has "feelings" for her.. she has confirmed she has none for him.. however they have been texting bc they are friends.. he told me he needed space to find out what he wants but right now it isn't me. He asked me not to call/text him.. and that he wouldn't see the kids right now because he couldn't be around me.. well i cried and told him i loved him.. etc.. all he could say was he needed space and that the crying doesn't matter to him right now.. Does he still have feelings for me? Will he come back? I thought space makes a person go away.. not come back.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.

jenhelant :

I am so sorry about what has happened. However, congratulations on your new baby.

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

Thank you

jenhelant :

You mentioned that you told him you will change. Is there anything he was complaining about with you or was this pretty much sudden?

jenhelant :

When you say that he said he needed space an mentioned it wasn't you. Did he mean it isn't you he wants right now or it isn't you that is causing this problem and it is him?

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

I did some things in the relationship that I probably shouldn't have. I wouldn't compromise on moving to a location that was cheaper for us to afford.. even though he had the only income

jenhelant :

I understand. Every relationship has problems and issues, but I don't believe one is to blame. It takes two in order to work through things

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

We also fought occasionally. I stopped doing my makeup and dressing nicely. I figured after having children and being with him it didn't matter as much.. I guess it mattered a lot more to him then I realized. And thats the thing when I was crying on the phone.. i asked him doesn't it hurt you at all to hear me so upset? He answered no.. i just need space.. i need time away from you.. no calling/texting.. and then he had to go

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

I completely think he was wrong in some aspects of the relationship.. for one my whole cousin issue.. he did this once before where he told he had feelings for her.. apologized to me the very next day and told me he did it because he was mad.. this was about 6-7 months ago.. and now he is pulling the same stunt again.

jenhelant :

That does happen. Sometimes women tend to think it doesn't matter after having children, but it is important. However having such small children it is understandable. If you were the one home them really I wouldn't see the need for you to dress up or where make up dealing with small children. However, other things can be done such as at night when the two of you are alone. That is the time you may want to dress up :). I agree what he has done with your cousin

jenhelant :

Was completely wrong. If he had issues with you he needed to discuss and deal with it not go looking for your cousin. That is completely out of line.

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

He actually is now renting a room from my cousins family.. I know it sounds crazy.. but my cousin and her whole family still insist nothing is going on.. which I want to believe but at the same time I feel as though there shouldn't even be any texting between the two of them.. friends or not.

jenhelant :

I understand. Also would depend if you feel she is a person you can trust.

jenhelant :

He may have been stressed a little due to the new baby. Some men get afraid of more responsibility and he may need to be alone in order to organize his feelings.

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

She used to be and she did read me his texts however after i confronted him about them.. they continued to text more (i saw it on the att phone log) granted i dont know they were actually talking about anything important as she has told him several times she doesnt want to be with him.. my whole thing is the children we have involvrf

jenhelant :

He may need some space , but it does not mean it will be forever. Sometimes people just need time to think and organize their feelings.

jenhelant :

Yes he should be considering the children.

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

I don't know why he would be confused though.. We already have one son together and he was also raising my son from a previous relationship. My thing is.. does he even still care? why tell me he loves me and wants to be with me and then a few days later say he needs space?

jenhelant :

I am hoping this break will be temporary.

jenhelant :

Your right it doesn't make sense, but I see it a lot. People sometimes do things that doesn't make sense

jenhelant :

You mentioned he has done this before. So I think he will be coming back just as he did the last time.

jenhelant :

Let me ask you a question. Do you cry in front of him often or was this a rare occasion ?

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

I do too. That's why I came to you. lol. I was hoping you could make light of this situation. However this break up is different.. he was willing to talk before.. he isn't willing to talk now. I very rarely cry.. this was a once in a lifetime thing.

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

Actually when I first started crying I hung up.. he called me about 10 times until i answered again and asked me why i was crying.. i told him i was very hurt about the situation.. and he didn't hang up on me.. he actually heard me out.. only thing he asked me to do was to calm down in front of the kids.

jenhelant :

It is odd to me as to why he did not care that you were crying. When one cries often the partner tends to drown them out, but this is not the case with you

jenhelant :

There is really no way to know why he has done this. It can be anything fro, having feelings for your cousin, his own stress or fears of even supporting another child, stress that you may be unaware of, depression, issues with you that he may or may not discussed. We can not know for sure and this is why

jenhelant :

Communcat

jenhelant :

Communc

jenhelant :

Communication is important, but he is unwilling to do that right now

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

im not sure either. but what gets me is last night i sent him a text saying i wasnt going to text or call him anymore.. and he was the first to call me this morning.. we talked from 8:30 to 11:30.. to me if you dont want to communicate with someone you wouldnt have called or talked that long

jenhelant :

At this point all you can do is the no contact for some time in order to give him the opportunity to contact you and have the space he is asking for

jenhelant :

Contacting too much now can be counterproductive.

jenhelant :

Well that is a very good sign

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

honestly since you have seen this.. does space normally work or am i setting myself up for disappointment?

jenhelant :

I agree with you. It doesn't sound he is too serious about his no contact idea

jenhelant :

It is 50/50 and really depends on the people involved. The fact that he called you is a very good indicator that he will be back

jenhelant :

I would say let him do the contacting.

jenhelant :

If you see he is not in about a week then I would try contacting him, but it sounds like to me that he will be contacting you real soon

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

after he said he wanted space i told him id give him his space for good and that id always love him.. no response to that. i guess what i want to know is.. should i just leave him alone? not let the kids contact him? and based on what i told u.. do u think he will contact me or even want his family back?

jenhelant :

Well how did the conversation go this morning ?

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

it went decent i suppose. no arguing. everything was civil. he webcamed with our 2 yr old. then he talked to my older son and told him he missed him a lot. then right after is when he needed "space".. however that was also after he found out my cousin told me what was in those text messages.. almost like he was upset he got caught.. bc he was like "i wanted you to know but not so soon after the baby"

jenhelant :

I think despite what happens between the two of you it is important to include him in the kids lives. If he does not want to then that is unfortunate. You may then need to take legal action towards him in regards to that.

jenhelant :

Yes I think it said that out of getting caught and count he meant it. It sounds like he wants to be in the children's lives and that is good

jenhelant :

As for if you should leave him alone

jenhelant :

It is not good what he said about your cousin. He may not be trustworthy due to this. Since you know him better you would need to decide if he is trustworthy and respectful as well as good to you

jenhelant :

If the answer is yes to all then it may be worth working through this phase. The length of time you give it would really depend on you and if you see progress or not. However,

jenhelant :

If your answer is no to these questions then it may be in your best interest to move on despite what he needs space for.

jenhelant :

And if he would want his family back I do think that is a strong possibility. It seems to me he spoke in anger, but the feelings for your cousin is confusing. He knows there is nothing there as she will not proceed, but it is still worrisome in regards to the fact if he can indeed be trusted.

JACUSTOMER-jvtf9s35- :

i agree he needs to be there for the kids 100% never would keep them from him. typically when a man asks for space.. how long does it take for them to call.. i assume if i dont hear anything by friday then i can shoot him a text since we have to do the birth certificate saturday

jenhelant :

It really varies, but I think that is a good plan all the more because you even have a reason for the contact

jenhelant :

I hope everything works out for you. Just take it day by day and try not to worry prematurely. Keep in mind you can come back Herr to follow up with me even after rating me. I wish you well and please let me know if I can be of further help.

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