How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5689
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
54658078
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi Kate, I hope all is well with you. Im definitely

Resolved Question:

Hi Kate,
I hope all is well with you. I'm definitely becoming more assertive and protective of myself in this home environment. A flip of this is my husband is trying hard to engage me in conversation at times. I don't trust the shift in behavior so I am cautious, gracious and somewhat detached because the possibility exists this is a temporary manipulative tactic.

My question is, what is the best way to respond ? When I express my opinion about something with him that we need to
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hi Dee,

If your husband responds to your assertiveness and protecting yourself with trying to engage you in conversation, then it is ok to be cautious because as you mentioned because you are not sure what the motivation behind his behavior is. And based on his past behavior with you, it's a good idea to remain polite yet protective of yourself until you are sure what is behind his openness to talk with you.

However, if you are discussing opinions about a topic and he becomes hostile and defensive, then you may need to stop the conversation. You also mentioned that he is cutting you off. That is a way for him to keep the upper hand and to control the situation. He is also sending the message that your opinion is not important but his is. This is also a good reason to stop the conversation. Simply say to him, "I would like to talk further about this topic, but I see you are not ready yet. Let me know when you are ok with an equal exchange of ideas." Then leave. Try your best to keep your emotions out of it and remain as remote as you can. He may be looking to get you upset so he feels more in control so if you are calm about it, then he doesn't get "rewarded". You can always express your feelings about it to someone safer after you are out of the situation.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5689
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Very often you have interpreted behaviors and have helped and support me effectively.
This is another occasion and it's very well appreciated.
Thanks:)
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Anytime! I am always happy to talk with you, Dee :)

Take care,

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
...and yes, I will be careful not to reward the behaviors. The work is necessary on my part.
I told him that his display of anger was hurtful, yet I think I will leave that out next time because isn't that the reward you are talking about? (sorry)
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Yes, if you tell him he hurt you, he may feel that is the "reward" he was looking for, unfortunately. Normally, you expressing hurt should prompt him to stop and show concern, but with his past behaviors it is unlikely he would react in that way. So leaving your emotions out of it is the best way to handle it until things can change.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5689
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Wow Kate, that's so backwards to a normal healthy way of relating.
I just hope having to be on guard all the time, hide my feelings and have this exterior persona doesn't mess up my other relationships in any way. others I can be open and express myself, such as my friends.
Thanks for telling me to leave my feelings put of it!
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Dee,

It is very backwards to a normal healthy way of relating, I agree. But sometimes with how a person relates, you have to protect yourself and in order to do so, you have to respond in ways you find uncomfortable. But you will be able to talk to your friends and other family. This will not change you at all. It will just change how you think and feel around your husband.

Talk to you soon!

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok.... That's a relief as I thought I would become weird or too hardened with others.
Tanks once again and have a good evening and I will talk to you soon.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome :) Talk to you soon.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Previous | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1637
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1637
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    914
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/mschase2u/2009-01-04_010319_chaseface.jpg Ms Chase's Avatar

    Ms Chase

    Life Coach

    Satisfied Customers:

    853
    Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/AL/aliciamiller/2012-4-9_21330_profilepicture.64x64.jpg Alicia_MSW's Avatar

    Alicia_MSW

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    406
    Specializing in relationship/family counseling
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/NP/nphbrown/2012-7-30_24048_ImYrManSerious1.64x64.jpg Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    401
    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    364
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency