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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I told my girlfriend about my past relationship about how I

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I told my girlfriend about my past relationship about how I would feel that I am being used. She ask me do I feel the same way in our relationship. I told her not really. After saying that she cried and told don't do anything for her again. My answer was I don't feel that way now, but in the beginning of the relationship I did have those feelings of being used. Now I feel like I changed the dynamic of the relationship with that statement and everything that i had giving her material wise she gonna give back. At this point I am unsure what to do or say.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi

jenhelant :

I am sorry that this happened

jenhelant :

The best thing you can so from here is to explain what you meant by that statement of "not really"

jenhelant :

She feels hurt because she is not using you, so she does not want you to feel that way with her

jenhelant :

I see you have tried talking, but she does not listen

jenhelant :

This is because she is upset right now, but if you give her a few days for her feelings to subside a bit then she may be willing to talk

jenhelant :

In the meantime you can try writing her a letter

jenhelant :

This is good because

jenhelant :

You can perfect it to say exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it to ensure the correct message comes across

jenhelant :

She also will have time to dwell on it, not ignore nor interrupt you.

jenhelant :

No one is perfect, so I would not be hard on yourself or think everything is lost or ruined

jenhelant :

Relationships have ups and downs

jenhelant :

The two individuals involved in the relationship need to be able to communicate to get past these hurdles

jenhelant :

If she is not willing to do that then I would be concerned because sometimes we may say something the wrong way or even the right way, but still can be misunderstood

jenhelant :

This is why it is important for both to keep the communication open in order to give the other a chance to explain and work through things

Customer:

What you mean by have time to dwell on it

jenhelant :

Like I said she may be willing to communicate, but just needs a " cooling off" period so to speak

jenhelant :

I mean she can read it and understand it as well as think about how to proceed rather than just make a quick response in the moment

Customer:

Ok

jenhelant :

In that letter explain exactly what you meant by it. If it is something you have been struggling within yourself due to your past relationships then let her know that ASN well

jenhelant :

*as

jenhelant :

Tell her your feelings and how communication is important

jenhelant :

Not one individual or relationship is. The way healthy relationships last is by the two people working together through ups and downs

jenhelant :

Let her know you gave her that stuff from your heart and would like for her to keep them

Customer:

What if she understands what i say but does not accept what is said in the letter

jenhelant :

Tell her the good things about her

jenhelant :

And write from your heart

jenhelant :

In that case she would need to make a decision to continue the relationship or not. At that point there would not be much you can do if she is in willing. You could though explain how no relationship is perfect and ask her if she rather work through this with you or having issues with a new person because every relationship will have issues. This will help her to see this issue may not be as bad as she is thinking and things could be a lot worse. However, I would not look at the situation like this I would approach it with a positive outlook knowing you did not mean the way it came out and the two of you are going to work things out. There is a belief called the Pygmalion effect. It is the belief that the more positive we are the more positive our actions will be therefore our outcomes are more likely to be positive as well. It is very important to approach this with a positive outlook

jenhelant :

The key is for her to see your honesty and sincerity

jenhelant :

That you are being truthful with her

jenhelant :

Let her know how you felt in the beginning and why. Explain how it had nothing to do with her personally, but now you have worked through this issue and do not feel this

jenhelant :

That you really want to be with her

jenhelant :

Take one step at a time

Customer:

thanks you couldn't have said it any better

jenhelant :

Hi are you still there? What do you think about everything? Can I help you further?

Customer:

i am still here I'm just taking in the advice that u gave me. Never thought of writing a letter, but do u truly feel i should give her time to think about what i said

jenhelant :

That is OK. Take your time. How long has it been since the last time you both spoke and did you have the opportunity to explain at all?

Customer:

all this happened last night around 7pm. I talked to her about it and she was upset to the point she heard what I said but wasn't listening

jenhelant :

This is very sudden I would not worry. She needs time to cool off them I think you should try talking with her again

jenhelant :

You can try tonight or tomorrow if she does not contact you first

jenhelant :

Then use the letter as your last resort if she is not listening or speaking to you any longer

jenhelant :

When you speak to her look into her eyes so she sees your sincerity if you are able to talk face to face

Customer:

Alright i will do that

jenhelant :

Try not to worry. I bet everything will go fine. It is still so early after. Everyone

jenhelant :

Needs time to cool off after they are upset about something and nothing should be discusses in the heat of the moment

Customer:

Give her time to cool off and try talking with her later on

jenhelant :

You will be fine

Customer:

thanks

jenhelant :

I wish you the very best and even after rating me feel free to follow up here on the thread with me anytime

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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