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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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i have been in a relationship for 6 yrs ,shes been pulling

Customer Question

i have been in a relationship for 6 yrs ,shes been pulling away & i always try and put us back together, i cant stand the fack of loosing her. we are recently split up. she has a freind and they have been taking walks on the beach ,. i feel im loosing my mind thare is so much more.she wants her freedom & i want us back together

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi

jenhelant :

I would like to help

jenhelant :

How long have you been together

jenhelant :

Iam sorry I meant

jenhelant :

How long have you been separated?

jenhelant :

I understand how difficult it must be when someone is pulling away

jenhelant :

It seems like you have been doing various things to try and save the relationship

jenhelant :

What is her response to all of this and reasons as to why she is pulling away?

jenhelant :

Is it this friend or other things as well prior to this friend?

jenhelant :

I will await for you to come back online, so we can discuss in order for me to understand better in order to help you accurately.

Customer:

seperated this time for a month or so

Customer:

her responce is , i need my space and time . witch i have not been able to give for fear of loosing her

Customer:

this freind ,she seems very interested in

Customer:

r u thare

Customer:

can you reply

Customer:

i was hoping for some kind of reply

Customer:

oh well thanks

Customer:

i hope you reply cause i have to go to work soon

jenhelant :

I apologize for not being online when you replied

jenhelant :

If you are here now we can continue and if not then we can continue when it is best for you. I will be alerted when you are back online.

jenhelant :

There needs to be a reason why she wants her space. It could be due to problems within the relationship or even problems within herself. Do you have an idea which it could be?

jenhelant :

Whatever the case if she is saying she needs space and you are not giving it to her this will actually cause her to be pushed away giving you the opposite result of what you are wanting.

jenhelant :

It is best that you do give her space. However, you can ask her if at all possible if you could still stay together taking things slowly.

jenhelant :

I understand how it is difficult for you because you love her so much and have been together so long, but if this is what she is telling you them you would need to respect her wishes.

jenhelant :

Overall you would need to respect her wishes or it will not go in the direction you are wanting.

jenhelant :

It could be possible that it is not a problem in the relationship. It can be just that you both are wanting different things right now in your lives. It can be a very good relationship, but at the wrong timing. She may just want to not have a serious relationship any longer and I do understand this may be shocking an hurtful you would need to take care of yourself. Trying to get someone that does not want will only lead you to feel hurt, stress, and pain. You do not deserve to do this to yourself. You deserve to feel happy and be with someone who wants the same thing as you.

jenhelant :

Now on the other hand if she is complaining about problems in the relationship then this is a little different. You would need to prove her change and let her know you are willing to work on all issues. This would take time for her to trust you and are actual change. Let her know you are willing to work through the issues

jenhelant :

I hope this was helpful but please let me know if I can be of further help to you. A lot of this has to do with why she wants space to help you to determine if you have a chance. However, I gave two possible scenarios and your best bet in either is to give her what she is asking. Write her a letter saying it will be your last one, so she knows there will not be many more. This will give her the opportunity to dwell on everything to determine how to proceed. She may take it more serious knowing it is the last

jenhelant :

This will serve as closure to you and also you would be able to perfect it

jenhelant :

Then I would recommend you take care of yourself. Try doing things you may not have had time for. Start new activities and hobbies. This will help you cope with the pain, until in time it subsides

jenhelant :

Also if she did change her mind you will be in a better place rather than a worse place is you let this eat you up inside. Therefore not only you will be helping yourself which is priority, but you will also be improving yourself for her. Then in the future if she did come back you can then reevaluate your situation to see if that is still something you are wanting.

jenhelant :

I wish you all the best and I am here if you need.

Customer:

i just stoped in my home for a few if i can i would like to speak late in eve

jenhelant :

Sure no problem. I will switch this over to question and answer rather than chat that way you can read my replies as well as respond at your convince as it will be alerting both of us in our emails.

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Here is where we you will be alerted and we can continue as your convenience. It makes it easier for you, so you can read and reply as you are able. I will look out for your reply.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i just herd it from a freind that she is seeing some one else and i feel lonley & upset. but i know i have to go on,


i hope she comes back and i hope its for good


 

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i just herd it from a freind that she is seeing some one else and i feel lonley & upset. but i know i have to go on,


i hope she comes back and i hope its for good i hope you repl soon


 


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I am sorry that she is seeing someone else. I understand how hurtful that can be. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you. There can be many reasons as to why this has happened, but you can not change the past. You can learn from it and make changes moving forward. As I stated before you need to rake care of YOU now. You will have more free time now due to this so spend it wisely. Try new activities and hobbies. I don't know your schedule, but sometimes volunteering can help one feel better while taking the attention off of their own problems. These are good coping ways until in time it will all come naturally. It may seem as if you will never get passed this, bit you will. It will just take time. Like you said you hope she comes back, well that is always a possibility. If that were to happen you can then evaluate your situation in order to decide if it is still something you want to do or not. In any case taking care of yourself is a priority right now. I will be here for you and please let me know if I can be of further help. Remember even after rating me you can still come to this thread to follow up with me.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thank you. unfortunally you were right ,she has told me in the past 2 yrs she needed her space,time. she meets people every day ( hairdresser ) but i quess for her she has met a specail one. shes angry & frustrated at me for my agrressive needs to communate.she wishes for no more talking ,u asked about issues. im a smoker & drink beer, she drinks sometimes but does not smoke. she said she cant love me the way she should or could. in the 6 yrs we drifted apart in the last 2 yrs but never argued of fought,my biggest prob was i wanted more of her,( time & love ) she couldnt give it. . as far as her new freind i believe,she may be happy. i feel i have severly dammaged our freindship /relationship. ? i relize im hurting inside but is thare a poss chance she will come back thanks

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


thank you please reply

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

Since you know what the issues are you can work on changing them that way she can see this change. She may not know if you both are not speaking. However, I would write her a letter letting her know your feelings and the changes you want to work on making. Let her know that you hope the two of you can get back together one day. Ask her to have hope in your change and possibly consider it and it will be the last time you will contact her while you are working on yourself. Then do just that. This way either way if she comes back or not you will be in a better place and she will also know that you are working on your issues. This way if she misses you and thinks of coming back, but her fears of the way things were get in the way she will be reminded of the changes you said you were to make and may be intrigued to find out.

However, if she does not contact you and in months as you see yourself improving on the issues you mentioned you can let her know via letter of how you have changed and how you feel for her. At that point you may still want a relationship. However, you may just want a friendship at that point. In any case if there is a chance for her to come back this would be the way. Since it seems like she was frustrated by the situation she needs to see it in action as well as an apology for neglecting her.

If she contacts you first then that is fine in that case you go with her lead and she will physically see the changes for herself. In that case it would be best to show her your change through action at every chance you get.

But this is it because if you repeatedly contact her it will do more harm than good. Also, mention in then letter how you would at least like to be friends if this is true of course.

Does that sound like a plan?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


she says she wants her own time & needs to find herself . she has never really been alonr, did her new freind give her the strenth to have us break up and or why is it she said she needes her time to figure herself out.? why is it she cant be alone by herself . ( she supposely just this outher 3 weeks ago.)

 

? who do i let go of all this stuff in my head and heart, so i can go on and get back to thinking reasonably.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


how i i know that all the stuff im thinking is not true, why can i accept this and move on, what happens next , how do i get her back,once and for all, does she have any remorse.

 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
It is very difficult to move on. This is why you are feeling this way. Your feelings are normal after all the time the two of you have been together. I can't tell you if she has remorse or not since only she would know that. However, I do agree with you. If she needs to find herself and have space I can certainly respect that, but yes it should be done alone. Her leaving you in need of space and then seeing someone else does not help or change her situation. Sometimes people do need to be alone to find themselves, but the fact she is dating someone shows there may be more to it then what she is saying. What I have told you is really the only way to get her back from here. There is no other way since pleading to trying to hard will just push her away and even worse cause her to be annoyed with you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

its hard how do i get rid ou the thought i want to call tex or see her, how do you stop that


 

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


form what i told you is thare any chance for me and how long does it take.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
There is always a chance. The way to stop the feelings of wanting to text her really will subside in time. It does not happen over night, but all of the things I have mentioned to you are ways to cope with the situation and take your mind off of it in order to feel better during this phase. When the thought comes into play remove it by doing something positive and thinking something else. This along with what I had wrote before are all helpful ways. You will need to play an active role in not allowing your feelings take control and it is not easy, but I promise you that in time it does get better. You will heal from this if she does not come back and even though it seems like you will never feel the same you really will. This will be a learning experience and a stepping stone in your life. Sometimes things we think are bad for us end up being good for us in the long run even though we can not yet see it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i met with lisa this eve, she gave me back the engagement ring i bought her, and a letter sying thaks for a great time & all the love we sharded . she also said she did not make love to her freind and she wants no pressure or any commentments from any one,we were bouth hungry and agreeded to get something to eat., i todh her that i was working on making a better me , and also that i let her go, i was calm ,and not frling sad or scarded .she said she told her freinds and family about us and she needed her space ,. she wants to continue working on her book, ( light & joy ) she told me she & her freind are going to church tommarro,thats something she has never done in the last 6yrs i knew of her.she said she would like to to be freinds, and not to call her , she said she would call mesome day. well i quess thinks didnt work out for the best but i still have the hope & faith we may be able to get back together some day. does everyone go through this this bad, & im i going nuts , what do i do from hear.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

Even though things may have not worked out the way you would have liked I think you handles that meeting very well. It seems to me she truly wants to work on herself. She is going to church and working on her book these are all signs of that. I think it is good you told her that you are going to change and not contact her, so she can remember this. It seems that this may be a good break for both of you and the two of you can possibly get back together in the future even better than ever. What you are feeling is normal. A lot of people do go through it and they do feel better just as you will. Take one day at a time and stay positive.

And of course I'll be here if you need.

All the best to you,
Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


was this just a coincidance, her wanting to break up at the same week she met her freind , or was it something that gave her the push.

do you really feel we have a chance of getting back together, ? how long should i wait ,how long do i have to wait,

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i was awating your anwser.


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

It could have been a little of both. Could have been a coincidence as well as a little push, but she may not even be looking for a relationship at this time even though she was talking with him. She may truly be wanting to find herself at this time.
Waiting is completely up to you. I would not want you waiting around since you deserve to be happy. However, it really is up to you. If you want to be with her then it is best to take care of yourself in the meantime since you may not want to rush into a relationship anyway. It may be best to do for yourself and then see how you feel and how things develop in a month or two. At that time you will see what the future will bring you. You may not want to wait or she may contact you and want to move forward. This really needs to be taken in steps and may not necessarily need a specific time frame.

I would talk with her and ask her if she feels there is any chance for the two of you. Let her know you are working on yourself just as she is in the process of finding herself. Based on her response you will have a good idea as to what she is planning even though she may not be sure yet.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

lisa is writing a book since 1999,(light & joy ) today she changed her profile on face book , it says infinate light and joy. infinate is her freinds co name ( her freind is like a life coach, i asked lisa about this and she stated it was for bissness and a little personal . ? do you think i still should write a last letter as stated above.i was thinking about doing it now.

personally i dont want to loose my faith for us.

hope you can heal thanks

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

It seems as if this person may be motivating her to continue her book. This still does not determine the type of relationship they have. In any case I still do think you should still write the letter. It will give you the closure you need as well as be able to have no regrets later. You will know you did all that you could and could do no more. The rest is in her hands.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i just got anouther letter telling me to move on, yes her freind is helping her with her book.she told me she loves me as a freind.she says god is telling her to go on & do the things she is doing.she explanes she apreates me and i was a gift & she is opening up to all gods gifts now.she siad things are happining fast &but still in the right place for her,she is happy.she said she wants me to be happy & she has alot going on in her head right now . ect. ect.. me i feel num.? do you still believe i should send the last letter . please send your reply

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
She seems to be in the direction she wants to go, but still appreciates you. I think you should give her the letter, but you may want to add how even though you want to be with her you still want her to be happy. Be careful with your wording taking into consideration what she told you. Also, be clear if you are able and willing to remain friends or not.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


well i sent her anouther letter. her reply is its over, she would like to be a freind,she wants her space &time .her new freind she states she likes very much, and she will continue seeing him.she told me not to contact her < but she will call me to ck on me..she does not want to give me false hope.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hello


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I think she is being very honest with you as well as sincere and compassionate. At this point it is best to take care of yourself as I have previously mentioned. You should feel good in the fact that you did all that you could.

I truly wish you all the happiness in the world and I will keep you in my prayers.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

after al i told you , what would it be if we ever had the chance to get back and do you think she is somewhat selfesh. last will her new freind most likeley become her lover for long time

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

after al i told you , what would it be if we ever had the chance to get back and do you think she is somewhat selfesh. last will her new freind most likeley become her lover for long time, why do i feeel she is with her feind like we were . why do i sometimes feel jelouis. is this natural. lastly if she is with her freind,will she feel like she is with us.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
She seems sure about what she wants. I don't think she feels the same with her friend. It is a different person and relationship. She really doesn't sound selfish because she is giving you reasons and speaking to you as well said she will check on you. I have seen people leave without reason and ignore the person as well as be rude. This is why she does not seen selfish to me. I understand this is difficult, but if it is meant to be it will be. However, you need to think about yourself right now. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i feel as if i have to write her again ,what is the best reply. for the both of us. ? sort of good by /with leiving thing open for later.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant, personaly i would like to say thanks for all your realistic advise and truthfullness.you have helped me look at things in a different way and to put myself in her shoes.


mabey im feeling sorry for my self ,or trying to find a way to let go. time may chang things but i do have alot of feelings for lisa, and they go deep.


 


wow you never know how much you miss someone till thare gone ,

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


please respond as soon as you can. thanks

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

well i quwee things are not going to work. we had a verbal conversation we got angry and told her how i felt about her dating outers,, and i thought she was shelfish, ect ect. so i not have to use to the fact i just blue my chances of ever getting her back,the arguement got out of hand . she to me she was diconnecting all ties,.


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


yes ,i ma trying to move on and learn for this.it will make me a better me. got the last of my belongs & she told me she iv very happy enen thing of thare future tigether , she says she might marry her freind, wow how fast some thing work, he and she wrote along spritual love letters and posted in her book ,she asked me to read it , it bouthered me but ill get over it,.i told her i would like some day to be a freind and wished her happyness, each day becomes clearer. but i think ill stay alone for a lil while ,before i get into anouther relationship. thanks .if i do not write back its cause im trying to work on a beer me for someone new in the future ,

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


how can ui get her out of my head , got any good ideas

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


well i tried ,last night went to dr he said i had an infection in my lungs from work & gave me antibodics, and from thare bring tested for t-b . and last he informded me h had a mini stroke.


tried speaking w lisa again and she states she is happy with james and spending alot of time , .wow this is heartbreaking to say ha.well i know its gonna take time, but i miss her , everything about her,beauity,touch,compassion, and what ever we had.thare is nouthing i can do. she is cutting off all ties with me and that also hurts very much,.she wrote me a note saying it wasent my falt & she tried to tell me. quess i just didnt want to except reality. but its strange how she could alter her life in 5 weeks. and now turning cold towards me, .wow after 6 years.? what is one to do. do you have any insite. ? if she ever came back in my life do you think we could make it.


for the longest time i thought it was my falt & what could i do to save our relationship. ? how do i let her know i still have the strongest feelig of love for her.


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


its not easy i know i have to let go., but my heart keeps telling try one more time

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


is it possable to have my relationship back with lisa / they say if you love someone let them got and if the come back ect ect . ? how long before you feel like your getting a sign.


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

well the no contact hasent worked for me cause i still try & keep it touch,she reminds me she is in love. and as of last week she posted on fb that she got married,wow alot of changes in 2 months ha. never knew lisa could change this way or i would ever hurt this much. well nouthing i can do about it now,except lurn to live again. . i miss the love we use to share.


 

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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
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I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.