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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Hi I have been dating a guy for over 2 months (10 weeks).

Customer Question

Hi

I have been dating a guy for over 2 months (10 weeks). We have officially declared ourselves exclusive and are now boyfriend/girlfriend. His parents are having an anniversary party later this month and he hasn't asked me along (they live about 4 hours away). I'm quite offended that I haven't been invited along and I'm wondering why. I haven't raised this concern with him as I'm worried how it will come across. He has been separated for 3.5 years from his wife and has yet to divorce. I'm worried that this is influencing his not asking me along and that makes me feel like absolute pants! Any ideas/advice?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I understand how you must be feeling. I think since he was married for so long and you both have been together a fairly short time this must be a huge influence. He probably is feeling as if he is in a dilemma himself and may not know what to do. This could be why he hasn't raised the subject with you yet. He could be worried about what others think since he is still not officially divorced. There also can be tension within the family that you are unaware of that could be the reason for him putting off inviting you. In any case whatever the reason he probably has good reasons and I doubt it is because he does not want you to be there. Since you both have declared one another as boyfriend and girlfriend then I think you should talk with him about this. Do not judge, blame, or criticize him or even ask him in an upset manner such as " why you didn't invite me". When it is a good time try talking with him and try saying something along the lines of "I would like to speak to you about something because it is concerning me and I want us to be able to talk about anything with one another and not hold it in. (Maybe even hold his hand as you do and look into his eyes).I understand you may have a good reason, but it is bothering me because you did not invite me to your parents anniversary. I understand that it may be awkward since you are not yet divorced, but I just feel a little offended, so wanted to get your thoughts about this in order for me to understand better".

Of course you can put it in your own words to make it your own, but I wanted to give you an example of a way to put it, so there will be a better chance for him to open up rather than become defensive. This will create a conversation between both of you and then depending on his responses you can go from there accordingly.

Please let me know if I can help further. I wish you all the best.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi


 


Thank you for this information. I think you have given good practical advice, but I'm still worried about bringing this up and causing upset (even though it has upset me a lot). I think a lot of it stems from my concerns about him still being married. He has stated that they are not getting back together, the reasons for stalling divorce are financial and that he isn't on the rebound. However this is causing me a massive amount of stress as I've never been in a relationship with someone who has been divorced before. It does feel like there is a 'third person' there at all times (his wife), even though he does not reference her. I really like this guy, would see him as someone that I would settle down with and have a family with (I'm 39 and want to start a family before time runs out). I know you can't give anymore advice on this as I've only paid for one answer, but it really is doing my head in Yell with worry.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
No problem we can continue until you are satisfied. Even after rating me feel free to follow up on this thread in the future.

I understand how you are feeling and I do think the "wife" has a lot to do with it. I think discussing your feelings is important , so resentment does not build up within you, which can lead to future problems. Discussing your feelings about his ex and the anniversary party is important just be sure it is done the correct way. You have every right to feel the way you feel and you deserve to be able to discuss this with him. It will relieve a lot of stress and pressure. If he cares about you he would want you to talk about your feelings and work things out together.

I wish you well with this.

Jennifer
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi


 


I've now brought this up with my boyfriend - but kind of in the wrong way as I've asked him by text. He says that there is no agenda to not asking me, however his sister has a boyfriend she has been seeing for the same amount of time and she is taking him along to meet her parents at the anniversary dinner. I'm now going out with him for 3 months and he has never given me a gift or sent me flowers. He cooked me dinner on Valentine's evening and there was a woman's silver hairclip on his table. I remarked on this but he gave no explanation as to who it belonged to or what it was doing there. I just feel so disrespected by this guy and he does not understand that these things are so hurtful. We talk about going places e.g. a walk, visit a tourist site, go away for a weekend, but he never follows through with anything. He calls me 'sweetheart' and 'gorgeous' but it just is sounding so false. I really like him but the stress of all this is just making me feel so unhappy and unwell.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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