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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1139
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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How to help daughter to consider leaving a husband who is controlling

Resolved Question:

How to help daughter to consider leaving a husband who is controlling downloading porn and texting wife`s sister asking for a threesome
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi,

jenhelant :

I understand why you would want her to leave him, but telling her may push her closer to him.

jenhelant :

Do you know if she is unhappy? Has she confided in you about this? How long have they been married and do they have children? What does she think about the situation?

Customer:

She is unhappy she just recently informed there lease is up in North Carolina end of this month and she is coming back home to Colorado They have been married 1 year 1 month

jenhelant :

It is good that she spoke to you about this.

jenhelant :

The best thing you can do is be there for her. She may be worried about where she will go and how she will live since she is used to the situation, so helping find solutions for her can help with this.

jenhelant :

Talk with her in a way that is non judgmental nor criticizing would be best.

Customer:

she is telling all right now she is a very sweet girl and very nieve she was raped at 19 first sexual experience was horrible and now hard for me to see her with him for a husband

jenhelant :

Rather state facts of how this behavior can be dangerous and get worse. Controlling men start with little things and it can progress.

jenhelant :

I am so sorry about that

Customer:

Have been doing that

jenhelant :

This can have a lot to do with why she may stay. That was very traumatic for her and she may feel she deserves this because of that.

Customer:

When she catches him he screams at her and says its her fault

jenhelant :

Would she consider counseling?

jenhelant :

He may have gotten her to the point where she believes this.

Customer:

she is going to counseling there which I hope she continues when she gets back home but she has been going for about 6 months now

jenhelant :

That is good.

jenhelant :

Is she coming home alone or with him?

Customer:

I have told her several times if she feels she deserves this she is highly mistaken

Customer:

with him but we are not allowing him to stay with us we are making him go to his own parents house

Customer:

he just doesn't know yet

jenhelant :

That is true. It is good you tell her, but the problem is when individuals are inside the situation it is very difficult for them to see from the outside. Their outlook is completely different from ours. And even though it hurts more than anything for us the parents to see sometimes our hands are tied and they need to learn for themselves.However, this does not mean we should stop doing our part

jenhelant :

That is good because you both can have alone time together. Talking face to fave rather than over long distance can help.

jenhelant :

Ask her questions such as how she feels about the relationship and what stops her from leaving

jenhelant :

Ask her what she feels is right and wrong in a relationship. See from her if she believes what he does is her fault.

jenhelant :

Asking her questions as such will help you get a better understanding of how she thinks and feels. This in turn will help you be able to help her better.

Customer:

she said its not here fault

Customer:

oops her

jenhelant :

That is a good sign that she knows that. This means she can be easier to help and convince

Customer:

I hope so

jenhelant :

Also, ask her why she feels she should stay with him.

jenhelant :

Me too

jenhelant :

Try taking her out

Customer:

ok

jenhelant :

One on one doing things that she enjoys or that you both used to enjoy together

jenhelant :

Rekindle the bond of the distance apart

Customer:

ok

jenhelant :

As you spend time together than will remind her of what she has in you and TRUE love

Customer:

true

jenhelant :

This can help give her strength and motivation

jenhelant :

And also see what a real relationship is about

jenhelant :

Not what she has with him

Customer:

she says she s done then she goes back to defending him

jenhelant :

Even though it is a different type of relationship

jenhelant :

That does happen a lot

Customer:

such as he soesn`t do it all the time

jenhelant :

This is why it is important you do not criticize him like talk bad or call him names etc

jenhelant :

This will in turn cause her to look at you as the "bad guy" because he will end up convincing her of this

jenhelant :

Just talk facts and as a concerned parent

jenhelant :

Asking her questions

jenhelant :

And helping her from there

Customer:

I dont call him names I tell her I would like to see her in a loving relationship so she knows what that is like

jenhelant :

that is good

jenhelant :

Continue to do that and

Customer:

I tell her this is not a healthy relationship for her

jenhelant :

Do it little by little so it does not push her away. You will see her reaction and play it by ear of how much at each ,moment

jenhelant :

Ask her what she feels is a healthy relationship to be sure she knows what one is

Customer:

hard to do Im an over protective parent lol

jenhelant :

I understand

Customer:

she says she knows its not healthy she wants me to fix him lol

jenhelant :

But too much can be counterproductive

jenhelant :

We need to be careful even though we wish we can protect them from the world :)

jenhelant :

And sometimes they only learn the hard way and there is nothing we can do. :(

Customer:

I told her I can`t he needs counseling she says he is a sex addict and all the things I read about that takes years of therapy

jenhelant :

But we do need to do our part anyway to try and prevent them learning the hard way or make it somewhat easier or less

Customer:

I know I was a highly abused child which made me the opposite I was highly protective and never let anyone hurt my daughters so this is very hard for me

jenhelant :

Its true and it would be up to her if she wants to stick with him through this even though I know you would probably not want that

jenhelant :

However, if she chose that route then it would be important for her to see action of him getting help and change not just him saying it

jenhelant :

I am sorry about that.

Customer:

No he is not asking for help he says its her fault why he does it

jenhelant :

It is good when individuals take their pain and learn then use it for good

jenhelant :

Unfortunately a lot of people take it and use it for worse sometimes without knowing

Customer:

no apologies many years ago and what don`t kill us makes us stronger :)

jenhelant :

That is a problem if he does not admit his problem nor want help then there is very little to no hope of change

Customer:

I was definitely one who broke the chain

jenhelant :

Your right. I admire your strength.

jenhelant :

That is wonderful to hear. It is not everyday that I hear this, so it is refreshing

jenhelant :

does your daughter know what happened to you ?

Customer:

Thats what I have been telling her she can`t even talk about it without him blowing up so he talks to her he just doesn`t bring it up and controls her by his actions for her not to bring it up

jenhelant :

Ask her if this is happening how does she see change to occur.

jenhelant :

Ask her if she would want to live like this forever

jenhelant :

Would having her read this help or do you think she would feel uncomfortable about that?

Customer:

yes I watched my father shot my mother and kill himself when I was 7 and was raised by his mother who axed down bedroom door with ax barely missing sisters head beat unconcious with baseball bat etc and it made me extremely protective

Customer:

I have asked her both

jenhelant :

Maybe having her come here to talk. Sometimes hearing the same thing from someone who is not your parent helps

Customer:

true

Customer:

how can I save this conversation

jenhelant :

I will not say sorry because I see your strength from this, but you are absolutely amazing. To see that at 7 years old you are going to make me tear up. That is horrible . I can definitely understand why you would want to be overprotective.

jenhelant :

When we finish you will have a copy of it in your email and even after rating me you can follow up with me and I will be alerted

jenhelant :

Maybe reminding her about you will help her

Customer:

Yea I have had many say you need to write a book but don't know how to do that lol

jenhelant :

Show her how you used this negative for good

jenhelant :

And how she can do the same

Customer:

True

jenhelant :

Also show remind her of how controlling men can be. I don't know what your father's issue was, but had to have to do what he did. Explain how it starts as her husband and can lead to that.

jenhelant :

Sometimes fear is what can change one, but comes back to the same issue that they usually think it can never happen to them.

Customer:

yes father extremely controlling she just says he is controlling in different ways then I think so not sure what she means by that

jenhelant :

She is making excuses for him and that is common in these situations

jenhelant :

They think their husband or boyfriend is different or not as bad,

jenhelant :

You should definitely write a book. That would inspire many

Customer:

I dont have that kind of talent unfortunately

Customer:

And, I know she is I already told her she is doing that

jenhelant :

I don't know much about writing books, but I think now days they even have people who write it for you if you give them the facts. Wouldn't hurt to take a look at your options :)

jenhelant :

It seems like you really are doing all the right things

jenhelant :

And I would encourage you not to give up

jenhelant :

Sometimes it seems like its not working, but it really is

Customer:

I am very direct , hard for me to beat around a bush so sometimes I fear I am saying too much

jenhelant :

It may not work today, but one day it can just click and pay off.

Customer:

One can hope

jenhelant :

Yes, try and think before you talk and see her reaction. I know its not easy

jenhelant :

It seems like she does listen to am extent and that is a very good sign

Customer:

Thank You for everything

jenhelant :

It truly is my pleasure

Customer:

I hope you are right

jenhelant :

I hope you both have a wonderful time together

jenhelant :

And she can make some changes

Customer:

Me as well

jenhelant :

I will keep you all in my prayers

Customer:

Thank you and goodnight

jenhelant :

Thank you and you also have a wonderful night!

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1139
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 8 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Counselor
1139 Satisfied Customers
I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.