I understand why you would want her to leave him, but telling her may push her closer to him.
Do you know if she is unhappy? Has she confided in you about this? How long have they been married and do they have children? What does she think about the situation?
She is unhappy she just recently informed there lease is up in North Carolina end of this month and she is coming back home to Colorado They have been married 1 year 1 month
It is good that she spoke to you about this.
The best thing you can do is be there for her. She may be worried about where she will go and how she will live since she is used to the situation, so helping find solutions for her can help with this.
Talk with her in a way that is non judgmental nor criticizing would be best.
she is telling all right now she is a very sweet girl and very nieve she was raped at 19 first sexual experience was horrible and now hard for me to see her with him for a husband
Rather state facts of how this behavior can be dangerous and get worse. Controlling men start with little things and it can progress.
I am so sorry about that
Have been doing that
This can have a lot to do with why she may stay. That was very traumatic for her and she may feel she deserves this because of that.
When she catches him he screams at her and says its her fault
Would she consider counseling?
He may have gotten her to the point where she believes this.
she is going to counseling there which I hope she continues when she gets back home but she has been going for about 6 months now
That is good.
Is she coming home alone or with him?
I have told her several times if she feels she deserves this she is highly mistaken
with him but we are not allowing him to stay with us we are making him go to his own parents house
he just doesn't know yet
That is true. It is good you tell her, but the problem is when individuals are inside the situation it is very difficult for them to see from the outside. Their outlook is completely different from ours. And even though it hurts more than anything for us the parents to see sometimes our hands are tied and they need to learn for themselves.However, this does not mean we should stop doing our part
That is good because you both can have alone time together. Talking face to fave rather than over long distance can help.
Ask her questions such as how she feels about the relationship and what stops her from leaving
Ask her what she feels is right and wrong in a relationship. See from her if she believes what he does is her fault.
Asking her questions as such will help you get a better understanding of how she thinks and feels. This in turn will help you be able to help her better.
she said its not here fault
That is a good sign that she knows that. This means she can be easier to help and convince
I hope so
Also, ask her why she feels she should stay with him.
Try taking her out
One on one doing things that she enjoys or that you both used to enjoy together
Rekindle the bond of the distance apart
As you spend time together than will remind her of what she has in you and TRUE love
This can help give her strength and motivation
And also see what a real relationship is about
Not what she has with him
she says she s done then she goes back to defending him
Even though it is a different type of relationship
That does happen a lot
such as he soesn`t do it all the time
This is why it is important you do not criticize him like talk bad or call him names etc
This will in turn cause her to look at you as the "bad guy" because he will end up convincing her of this
Just talk facts and as a concerned parent
Asking her questions
And helping her from there
I dont call him names I tell her I would like to see her in a loving relationship so she knows what that is like
that is good
Continue to do that and
I tell her this is not a healthy relationship for her
Do it little by little so it does not push her away. You will see her reaction and play it by ear of how much at each ,moment
Ask her what she feels is a healthy relationship to be sure she knows what one is
hard to do Im an over protective parent lol
she says she knows its not healthy she wants me to fix him lol
But too much can be counterproductive
We need to be careful even though we wish we can protect them from the world :)
And sometimes they only learn the hard way and there is nothing we can do. :(
I told her I can`t he needs counseling she says he is a sex addict and all the things I read about that takes years of therapy
But we do need to do our part anyway to try and prevent them learning the hard way or make it somewhat easier or less
I know I was a highly abused child which made me the opposite I was highly protective and never let anyone hurt my daughters so this is very hard for me
Its true and it would be up to her if she wants to stick with him through this even though I know you would probably not want that
However, if she chose that route then it would be important for her to see action of him getting help and change not just him saying it
I am sorry about that.
No he is not asking for help he says its her fault why he does it
It is good when individuals take their pain and learn then use it for good
Unfortunately a lot of people take it and use it for worse sometimes without knowing
no apologies many years ago and what don`t kill us makes us stronger :)
That is a problem if he does not admit his problem nor want help then there is very little to no hope of change
I was definitely one who broke the chain
Your right. I admire your strength.
That is wonderful to hear. It is not everyday that I hear this, so it is refreshing
does your daughter know what happened to you ?
Thats what I have been telling her she can`t even talk about it without him blowing up so he talks to her he just doesn`t bring it up and controls her by his actions for her not to bring it up
Ask her if this is happening how does she see change to occur.
Ask her if she would want to live like this forever
Would having her read this help or do you think she would feel uncomfortable about that?
yes I watched my father shot my mother and kill himself when I was 7 and was raised by his mother who axed down bedroom door with ax barely missing sisters head beat unconcious with baseball bat etc and it made me extremely protective
I have asked her both
Maybe having her come here to talk. Sometimes hearing the same thing from someone who is not your parent helps
how can I save this conversation
I will not say sorry because I see your strength from this, but you are absolutely amazing. To see that at 7 years old you are going to make me tear up. That is horrible . I can definitely understand why you would want to be overprotective.
When we finish you will have a copy of it in your email and even after rating me you can follow up with me and I will be alerted
Maybe reminding her about you will help her
Yea I have had many say you need to write a book but don't know how to do that lol
Show her how you used this negative for good
And how she can do the same
Also show remind her of how controlling men can be. I don't know what your father's issue was, but had to have to do what he did. Explain how it starts as her husband and can lead to that.
Sometimes fear is what can change one, but comes back to the same issue that they usually think it can never happen to them.
yes father extremely controlling she just says he is controlling in different ways then I think so not sure what she means by that
She is making excuses for him and that is common in these situations
They think their husband or boyfriend is different or not as bad,
You should definitely write a book. That would inspire many
I dont have that kind of talent unfortunately
And, I know she is I already told her she is doing that
I don't know much about writing books, but I think now days they even have people who write it for you if you give them the facts. Wouldn't hurt to take a look at your options :)
It seems like you really are doing all the right things
And I would encourage you not to give up
Sometimes it seems like its not working, but it really is
I am very direct , hard for me to beat around a bush so sometimes I fear I am saying too much
It may not work today, but one day it can just click and pay off.
One can hope
Yes, try and think before you talk and see her reaction. I know its not easy
It seems like she does listen to am extent and that is a very good sign
Thank You for everything
It truly is my pleasure
I hope you are right
I hope you both have a wonderful time together
And she can make some changes
Me as well
I will keep you all in my prayers
Thank you and goodnight
Thank you and you also have a wonderful night!