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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5524
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello Kate
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.

Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic.


I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when she is back online. If I can help further, please let me know.


Thank you for your continued patience.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hey there! Talk with you tomorrow :)

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hey Kate,


thank you.


I feel I am in mourning, I guess I am, my loss is Ziggy. I saw my new Domestic abuse worker yesterday, she is nice too, but she will never replace Ziggy. I almost feel I don't want to go back again bc I will just feel the same when ever I'm there, wishing for Ziggy but having Vikky instead. I know i just have to deal, but I have cried all day, I texted her yesterday, she replied today, I was OK til she replied then I was overwhelmed. I told her I missed her. I feel ridiculously needy, last week it was K bc we had some differences, but now we are fine. And a while ago I was afraid of losing Adele. What has become of me, crying now, know you are always there. how many good people do I need to make me feel OK, what and why do I need? I needed Ziggy's hugs yesterday, I told her I missed them.


Yesterday morning as I was cleaning the porch windows, D passed on his way to work, brought my bin in for me and stopped at the door. He said are you coming back home. I said no, not at all. He asked me why, said he's changed (again), that I should forgive and forget, he has forgiven ,me (don't know what for), that we are too old to be doing this. He said not to come back to him, to come back to my room, everyone misses me, him, the dogs (I said I know the dogs do), the kids need to be there together. Is aid no, I'm looking for somewhere to rent. Well how stupid, how selfish of me.


He said he wants to let my room. I said I don't know if you can. Why? Bc half is mine. Then I'll let MY half! Oh, I said, you mean YOUR room? No, no. I said that IS your half. He said he has someone who needs a room. And he needs help to pay the bills, the insurance etc (?) I said you should be earning enough, you have no mortgage to pay. Yeah but not much work.... usual story.


He then said we'll need to sell the Barn if I don't move back, and we'll get next to nothing for it. I said, why, have you had it valued? Why is it worthless? No, not valued, but look at the state of the economy, property prices are down. He said we'll have to spend lots of time and money, make it so we get the most money for it. Yes D, we do, maybe get on with it? He was angry with me bc it wasn't going his way, he was in my face, then got a pain in his chest and walked off in anger.


I emailed Mark my solicitor about his harassment and asked him if D could let my room. He said he couldn't without my permission, and he'd have to account half of the rent to me. He also asked if D was still in touch with his solicitor bc he wanted to ask her to remind him not to call at my house to speak to me. I actually don't think I mind if he lets my room, but I want to wait til after half term so that I can get my stuff out. I'm seeing the new cottage this weekend, so maybe Hannah will let me move my bed out and other stuff, she's only going to have a bit of decorating done, and a new carpet down. I'll see at the weekend.


I have Sam here, he's doing a bit of studying. He came for tea too, it's so strange, he hasn't really been here since Christmas day.


Back later


Hilary Rose


 


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Hilary Rose,

 

I'm so sorry you lost Ziggy. I know she was a lot of help to you and a wonderful support. Did you have time for a proper goodbye with her? That can often help you work through your loss if you have the time to say things you need to say to the other person. Maybe you could write her an email. I know you mentioned talking to her, but there may be more you need to say.

It's ok you need to be sure everyone is here for you. No one can do things all on their own. We all need others in our lives to help us. I think part of the support you need comes from never having that nurturing you needed as a child. No one cared for you. Now you are making up for that. And part of needing less of it eventually is realizing that you can care for yourself and that you do a wonderful job at it. Just hearing how you stood up to Dave and responded to him tells me that you are strong. Many, many people could not do what you did with him. You may feel you need all these people in your life but I see a woman who is very capable.

Loving yourself can be part of letting go of outside support. How much do you feel you love yourself and do you believe you are capable? Also, relying on other relationships such as friends and family helps too. Right now, it is hard for you to share with others in your life. It is much safer to share with therapists and counselors. As you go along, however, you can take more risks by sharing more and leaning more on friends and family (trusted family that is). Building your personal support allows you to feel less alone. That doesn't mean you have to give up having a therapist or even talking to me :), it only means that you won't feel so sad if some of that support is not there anymore.

I'm glad to hear that Dave cannot take advantage of you through moving someone into the Barn. He really is trying to find an angle to get you to come back and take care of him. And I imagine that anyone who dares move into the Barn to take the room might find themselves in the old position you were in. Not good at all.

I bet it's nice to have Sam around again! I'm glad he is with you.

Talk to you later,
Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5524
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you Kate,


I haven't said goodbye to Ziggy. I have emailed her my thanks for her support and to wish her well, but had no response. That made me feel sad too. I texted to say I hoped I'd see her again, she said I definitely will, and she is going to keep posted how I'm doing from Vikky. I know they can't tell me why she has had to change her role, but it might help me to understand better. I won't ask.


And yes, I do share better with those that are not 'family and friends', Adele has said I am missing my mother figure so much, I have never had the nurture that you mention, and now I guess I crave it, especially from those who will give me those hugs. Mum has begun to touch me a bit more, she puts her hands on my shoulders when she kisses my cheek. It's never been better than that in my memory.


Must sleep,


goodnight Kate, it's always good to talk to you, and know I can have a hug when I need one :)


(((Hugs))) tonight


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Many ((((((((hugs)))))))) to you too! It certainly sounds like Ziggy cares about you. I'm glad to hear that your Mom is making the effort as well. Maybe she has realized that she was not there for you as a child and is giving it a go.

Good night, Hilary Rose!

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate,


good to see you :)


I had a long session with Adele, we came across something and had to sort it through. I was telling her about D wanting to let my room, and how I felt about it, and it took me back through the last 2 years since I moved in there, why I went there, what I did to it to make it mine, my sacred space, the butterflies, my furnishings, how the dogs would come to me, somewhere to rest, get away from him (apart from the noise), somewhere the kids would come and sit and talk to me, somewhere where I could relax in bed at night. But it was also somewhere that D invaded, maybe just by standing at the doorway, talking at me, telling me I'm wrong in so many ways, somewhere that he kicked his way into. And now I'm not there I still want it to be mine, I don't want someone sleeping in my bed, with my new mattress and duvet; I have filled it with boxes and put stuff on the bed (he has some drum stuff in there too) just didn't want anyone in there, just like Poppy didn't feel good that D was in her bed. I think I need to be able to clear it of all that is me before I can consider someone having it, and I need to have the half term out of the way so that I'm back in this cottage. Poppy and I want to go through all our stuff and ditch what we don't want. Nearly all my stuff is in my little room. D's stuff is everywhere else. I WILL get there. I moved out of the Barn ages ago, but haven't moved out of my room yet.


I was amazed at how emotional I was about my room, how I had to turn my back to Adele bc I felt so daft. More mourning I guess, my room is my last 2 years, where I spent most of my time, where I talked to K, wrote to you, tried to get better, cried too many tears.


This evening Poppy was excited to be taking me out to her school careers evening. Yesterday she chose my clothes, planned my make-up and hair. She was lovely, wanted to be proud of me! So she dressed me and made me up and approved, and we had a good evening, and |I was NOT ANXIOUS :) We got home and she wanted to take some photos of us together, she said I look so pretty, and I'm nearly 50!!! She took some on her mobile and put them on facebook. Bless her


Anyway, got late again so had best sleep. had a quickie visit to Dr H this am for a sleeper refill, and to ask for tx for my wrist pain. She has referred me to one of the GP partners who gives steroid injections. I hope it works.


Goodnight Kate,


Hilary Rosexx



 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose, look at you! Wow, you look fantastic! :) Nearly 50- you've got to be kidding. You look so much younger than that.

It sounds like you had a lovely time with Poppy. She seemed so excited about showing you off and spending time with you (I can see why!). That says a lot about the kind of mom you are to her and Sam. No teen wants to spend time with their parent unless they feel a strong connection to them. And obviously, Poppy thinks the world of you!

You and Adele covered a very important topic today I think. She is right to highlight this issue. That was your room, your place of safety from Dave where you could be yourself and heal. His behavior was so invasive (still is in a way) and you had to close yourself off behind a door just to try to cut off all that intensity. Getting what is yours out of that room will help you let go. Plus you now have your own place all to yourself. What a huge step you have taken from where you were!

It may be helpful to you to figure out how you can best let go of your room. Maybe creating a little area of your cottage (the new one) that you can keep what you most feel attached to, something like that. Also, celebrating as you take down all your things of how far you have come since you created your room. Make a day of it. Take pictures, reminisce about each object that you put away, etc. Then go out with Poppy somewhere special or have a night in doing something fun. It can make it easier to transition.

Thanks for sharing your picture with me. It was nice to see you :)

Good night, sleep well, Hilary Rose. Til tomorrow.

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5524
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate,


having trouble accepting again. If you want to put it through for me (wait, they won't let you bc I have to add funds- I'll try again tomorrow)...


How silly of me to leave it so late to talk, I need to sleep but also want to talk. Well, this week is a week of being abandoned, well not really but now Mark my solicitor is leaving for family commitments, and I will have a new solicitor in 10 days, a youngish, not long out of law school, female, who shares my surname, whether that be good or bad..


But I had a nice email from Helen my mediator, I had replied to her email about setting a date for our first meeting, and just mentioned that D had been harassing me, and that he is becoming intimidating with his approach. I wasn't sure whether I should be telling her things like that since it's one sided information, but she said absolutely they want to know, and take harassment and abuse of any sort very seriously, and I can speak confidentially. I was glad I'd asked.


I took Sam to the bus this morning, he said he missed it bc D had asked him to close the back door before he went, as he was 'ill' in bed with a cold. I had planned to see the dogs today, it's been a week. I was disappointed that he was going to be home, but got the rabbit and took him home to the aviary, then called the dogs out quietly. Rubin wanted to go back in after a few minutes, he's just lazy, but I played with Lola and the perpetual stick for a good while before I took her with me to the cottage- I figured D would be in bed all day so much better for her- but, my mistake, I didn't tell him. Cathy was there hoping to catch me, a nice surprise. We caught up, then D came to the door, saying he was taking the dogs for a walk (he just doesn't do that), and he'd guessed she was with me, so he took Lola. He went off in his van with the dogs and was gone for hours. Maybe he did walk them, but chances are he just wanted to get her back from me and hurt me any way he could. (Adele said this will be his new approach) I let her go without a word, and it DID hurt me a lot, I wanted some time with her, but I tried really hard to put it out of my mind and took some things to the Barn, and collected some other stuff to sort through, told my self I couldn't have done that with Lola.


I have been alone this evening, Poppy out as usual. I have cleaned and tidied again today bc the cottage owners are coming down tomorrow sometime. I'm feeling unsettled about it and I'm not sure whether to stay here tomorrow night or stay with my parents. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Poppy and i are going to see the little cottage on Sunday am, with camera and tape measure!.


Gone midnight. The scrabbling has stopped in the loft, that was spooky, not heard that before.


Goodnight dear Kate


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I'm so sorry to hear about Mark leaving too. You have really endured a lot this week with everyone moving on. Although it is not easy and it is a loss, it may end up being beneficial. It could be that both of them bring a new perspective to your situation that could help.

I'm glad you told Helen about Dave. It is too easy for Dave to try to manipulate her so knowing up front what to look for with him will help her.

I agree with Adele, Dave's new way of coping is to try to find what you like and hurt you with it. He is upping the stakes and trying to get you to react. It's sad he has so little control over himself and that he won't just let you go.

Maybe you could consider setting even stronger boundaries with Dave. See if your new attorney will help you get a restraining order so he cannot come near you. Ask about custody of the pets as well. If you set it up that you have the right to see your pets or even keep them with you (safety wise that might be best if it is possible) Dave won't be able to stop you from having them.

How do you feel about what Dave is doing? It can't be easy for you to still have to be subjected to his behavior. Do you feel doing something good for yourself might offset the difficulties you have gone through this past week?

Have fun at the new cottage!

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5524
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you Kate


I've had a horrible day,it looked brighter for a while but now it has nosedived....


I do need to do something good for myself, I will, maybe Tuesday.


I knew the cottage owners were coming down, and I knew it would be difficult. Philippa phoned this am after no contact for a couple of weeks. She asked if we'd moved into our new cottage yet... I had plainly told her when I last emailed what the plan was. Oh, what will you do when we come down?... We're staying til Wednesday, and maybe some friends will come and join us later too.... I said it's fine, I can stay with my parents. I spoke to Poppy, she said not parents, not Barn, she'd rather stay at the cottage with them! OK, I'm getting good at asking for things now, I emailed Hannah at the new cottage to ask if we could stay there from tomorrow night. She phoned this afternoon to say yes we could, but it wouldn't be as she would want to let it.... doesn't matter, it's space for me and Poppy. And Poppy's happy. Well, that is now in the past; Hannah has just emailed me to say she's not happy for us to stay there bc she's had problems with the boiler which has now stopped working altogether, and there is no lighting in the kitchen; she is concerned we will have stresses and problems, so she has said no now. Poppy is staying over at a friends' tonight, I'll have to tell her tomorrow when I pick her up to view the cottage, she will be upset, I really don't know what to do now, I'll think again tomorrow.


I have spent the day packing up stuff, some to take back to the Barn, some for overnight with my parents. I was waiting for D to go out so that I could go over undisturbed. He called at the cottage at about midday, two letters for me in one hand and an open letter in the other. He was upset... said he'd just received a letter from my solicitor telling him that he has been harassing me and to stay away! I said yes, that's right. he said he hasn't been harassing me, he said he's just been trying to get me to SEE SENSE!!


I wanted him to go, I put my hand out to receive the screwed up letters that were for me, but he wouldn't give me them. He wouldn't go, he kept talking but I don't know what he said. I shut and locked the door, sat at the table and tried not to cry, he could still see me through the glass door. He still wouldn't go. I went into the kitchen where he couldn't see me, he rang the bell, I ignored it, he shouted is Poppy home, I said no, he left and I saw him drive off. I looked in the porch to see if he'd left my letters there, he hadn't. I found them on the path in the rain a bit later when I took some stuff to the Barn. He had screwed them up, not in a ball, but twisted them together. He'd flattened them out again. I could imagine his anger as he read the letter from Mark. I think a restraining order will be the next step if he doesn't leave me alone. I also think I should email the police just to keep the records in order in case it comes to an order against him. But I don't want to have to go through it all in person again, nor have them visit him, not yet anyway.


I went to the Barn and off loaded some stuff. The front door was locked, that rarely happens. He'd locked the door and taken the key. I went round the back and got in there, it was unlocked. I went back to the cottage and found the spare key and let myself in, feeling in a hyper anxious state all the while, trying to get the stuff moved in and the door locked again as quickly as I could. The dogs weren't there again, I was glad this time, but he seems to be making a point of taking them with him all the time now. It is something I will have to talk to my new lawyer about, access to the dogs, at least to be allowed to have them for a period of time. I didn't think I was being unreasonable taking Lola and giving her company yesterday while he was lying in bed.


I have had a couple of hours with mum and dad before coming to bed. It was hard going, and I'm very tired, so I came up early. I have never slept in this house before, and not stayed with them for some 20 years. There is a clock downstairs that strikes the hour, I don't know how I'll sleep with that.


Tomorrow after visiting the cottage with Poppy, I am meeting my brother and parents at AA's cottage to clear it of everything else that is there and hand over the keys finally. We will have another meeting with 'the other woman' to try to resolve the money issues before leaving for good. It will be good to have that all behind us.


Must sleep. What a stressed mess I feel, unsettled and churning. I don't know what I'm going to be able to sort for Poppy tomorrow. She might have to come and stay here with me. I feel bad


goodnight Kate


Thanks for listening


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you had a very trying day! Everything that could go wrong did. But you persevered and that is what counts. You did what you needed to do with what you had and made the best of it. I imagine that your stress is off the scale because of it and that time for yourself we talked about might just be the thing to help you get rid of it. Maybe just even planning something (looking at your options) might be enough to help you feel better.

It does sound like a restraining order might be needed. If Dave's first response to getting a letter from your solicitor about not harassing you is to come over and harass you, then he is not getting the message at all. And destroying your mail may even be against the law. Is it possible for you to get a post office box? I'm not sure how your mail works, but if they have anything like a post office box it may be worth your peace of mind to see if you can get one.

Emailing the police is an excellent idea as well. It will provide you with a record of every incident and you won't have to try to recall details. You could also print them out to take to your sessions with Adele and your new counselor (replacing Ziggy).

Do you have a copy of a key for the Barn? Since it is basically your property and you should have a right to access it as needed, then I imagine that having a key copy is probably going to be helpful. You don't want to go back one day and find he has tried to lock you out.

I'm sorry you have to keep moving around to find a place to stay. I'm sure Poppy will understand, especially since this new arrangement will only be for a while. The fact that Dave forced this on you and allows you to keep struggling shows that he hasn't changed at all. Any person who can do that to someone they claim to care about really doesn't care for them at all. And trying to talk "sense" into you is probably Dave's way of saying "how can I get her to come back and take care of me again along with accepting my abuse". It's amazing how you continue to block him out and remove yourself more and more from the situation. You have come a long way, Hilary Rose! You deserve a lot of credit.

I hope all goes well tomorrow at your aunt's cottage. Sleep well (as much as you can with that clock!). Better days ahead.

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5524
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


just wanted to say thank you for your post and that I'm still here, but straining under the stress of this week which has been ENORMOUS. I'll catch up tomorrow I hope. Missing you.


Hugs


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

Missing you too! I was thinking about you all week. I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well. We can talk whenever you feel ready. I'll be here :)

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you Kate,


you are so good to me :)


Poppy and I spent Sunday in No-man’s land, visiting new cottage (first time of seeing it), coffee shop, High Street, then to my parents so Poppy could do her homework. I told Poppy the available options for our next few nights (parents, Barn, cottage) She said she'd prefer to stay at the cottage with the owners where she has all her stuff and she has a routine for morning and night, and even though they are virtual strangers to her, it was the best option (for me too actually)


The little cottage is just wonderful, but Poppy was quiet all the way round, it worried me. Hannah showed us the third bedroom last, which she said she was ashamed to open the door on, it was a bit of a junk room with the cupboard ripped out (bc of the water leak), and- it is quirky and bizarre- you open the door at floor level (obviously), but then the rest of the room is at worktop height, which is the ceiling of the kitchen below, and the roof slopes down to meet it at the furthest wall. there is a velux window (I think), and a cupboard behind the door (full height) it's really hard to describe- I'll have to take some pics to show you. Anyway, Poppy was made up with it, wants it for her room. We can just get a mattress to put on the platform under the sloping roof, there's lots of potential for a cool little room. I have asked Hannah if they can put an extension TV aerial up to it, and Poppy has requested cream walls. It really feels so good to have something to look forward to, and picture, and plan- I have been looking for kitchen things, with space saving in mind, and have ordered a TV (yes really!! serious money!) And bc there is no garden, nor anywhere to put things like boots and stuff for the car, or dogs etc, I have seen some outdoor storage cupboards which would fit nicely next to the oil tank by the back door! I tell you, that little cottage has kept me alive these past few days...


So after viewing the cottage we had a day to kill with nowhere to go; we went into town and had brunch in a cafe, and I lugged Poppy's homework around for a while thinking we could go to the library to do her homework. She had been anxious about how and where she would get it done. I talke to her about staying at my parents, that I'd told them that she felt uncomfortable in their home with their routine (I left it there!), and she said she felt bad that I'd had to explain why she wouldn't stay with them. She said oh I really love Grampa, he's so lovely, but granny scares me and she'd always be afraid of doing something wrong. I said they'd be happy for her to stay with them, in fact mum had said they'd move out for a couple of days so we could live there without them, but of course I couldn't have them do that. I told her that they really loved her, and she agreed to spend a couple of hours with them in the afternoon doing her homework etc. So we just did a bit of shopping, and I bought her a few clothes that she really needed, and she was happy, and I was happy too, needed that boost.


We went home via my aunt's cottage where my parents were still sorting through the last few things, and I was greeted by a very cheerful Dad who had driven a hard bargain indeed with the 'other woman', who had agreed to pay almost all of the asking price!! (£95,400) If only AA knew how hard he has worked for her and her bank account! Now we have to decide how to best invest her takings to pay for her care, and have decided against buying an annuity, they are ridiculous money.


I loaded up one of my aunt's chairs that we can take to the cottage with us, I might re-upholster it (Poppy said PLEASE!- it is rather dire, but a cute chair for the fireside)


I’d spoken to the holiday let cottage owners and they’d agreed Poppy and I could sleep there while they were here. They invited us for supper too, so we went down after giving them the day undisturbed. We had a nice evening, and Poppy was great with them (in fact Philippa was very impressed with her togetherness and maturity- told me so this evening). They didn't really meet Sam, but Andy saw him from up a ladder and later said he should go for modelling! Ha ha- I must tell him :)


They’ve had decorators here the last 3 days. It's been OK, but neither Poppy nor I are particularly comfortable with the staying here with so much going on. We have been creeping around, looking round corners, trying to make ourselves scarce. Monday we were up and out before we saw anyone, I went to work, then Sam had parent’s meetings at college, his teachers were saying come on Sam, you can do this, come to college, put in the time, the effort, you're a bright lad.... I had emailed his tutor last week bc she was worried about his attendance, so she was in the picture- but she hadn't passed it on. I told one of his teachers that he isn’t living with me and a little about what’s happening, but we left her with Sam saying don’t tell anyone else, so his next teacher was saying the same, and I wasn’t allowed to explain anything to her. I came away thinking how I am failing Sam, lost control bc I’m not home with him, but he is 18 and so should be independent. I had to tell myself that actually I am on very thin ice and I can't cope with the stress that these thoughts are giving me. We went to pick up his gf from the railway, I couldn't wait to get home, felt strung out, and when we got home he announced he'd left his college backpack in the train station! AAhhhh. I just had to shut it out and leave it to him to deal with, which he did the next day.


Poppy had been at the Barn with D til I got home, she came down immediately and I had to get food organised while the other family were waiting to go out with some friends. Poppy needed help with some homework and I nearly cracked, but was amazed at how I kept calm and level- how did I stuff it down and cope..... She had told me at the weekend that she was worried that she had a history mock exam this week, and how was she going to study for it with others here. I decided we just couldn't cope with that, so I emailed her head of year and told him the unsettling situation that we are finding ourselves in this week and next. I had to give us some 'space'.


So we got through that evening and went to bed early. I had emailed Kitty earlier to ask if I could come to work on Tuesday instead of Thursday as I had no-place to go. That was fine, in fact I worked the morning then stayed on there and wrote emails and did some more paperwork as she had a meeting to go to in the afternoon. I emailed the police, said I just wanted it on record, but PLEASE, I didn't want anything more. I didn't think it through, just thought it'd be OK, just to have it there, they'd think it was OK to have 'just for the record'. I played with Lola for an hour before Poppy came home, it was lovely to see her, she could barely contain her excitement!


I went back to the cottage when Poppy got home. They were all there still 'doing' and we had a cup of tea and a chat, I felt less stressed, we were half way through and I was surviving, only one more day to go. The phone rang, and I answered. He said Hilary? It's the Police. I said OMG, I must have looked a sight, left the room hurriedly to get to my room and privacy. He said I'm nearly at your house, is it OK to come by? NOOO! What was I supposed to do? I said no, please don't come, you can't come, WHY do you have to see me? He said he has to get this sorted out, that I have reported several incidents of harassment, and he just isn't changing his ways... I said no, please, I have to live here for another 5 weeks, I guess I am afraid of living so close, and D knowing I have told the police that he is harassing me, when he thinks I am blowing everything out of proportion, and he has a right to come and talk to me, and keep on and on.


The policeman was very nice but said he really needs to see me. I said not now. He said he needed to talk to his supervisor, ask if it was something that could be sorted over the phone, so he rang off. Phoned back after 20 mins, asking me to tell him the details. Of course I was a mess and really struggled, he tried to tell me he needs to get this sorted, pay D a visit, not arrest him but give him some sort of notice that this behaviour is unacceptable and he must stop. I said no, please, but after a long while he eventually made me accept that it would help me, and so I have to go to the police station on Friday morning for an hour and a half with the 2 letters that D has had from my solicitor asking him to leave me alone, and all the incidents of him harassing me between the first and second letter. I'll have to check back through all my posts tomorrow (I have some time to relax a bit tomorrow bc I have no work, but am seeing Adele later phew)


The policeman said he could hear that I was upset. I said D is upset too, he is having a hard time coming to terms with everything. He said yes, he will have his own side of the story to tell, everyone does, and I felt bad that he would be surprised by a police visit again.


I don't know, I feel really unsettled about this, said I didn't want anything done, and said I won't tell you next time he comes round. I guess it was a cry for help, but I just can't accept that it has to go further.


Last night I skyped with K while the family were visiting friends (that was lucky, they left while I was still on the phone to the policeman). Oh boy did I need to talk. I said I was holding on by a thread, counting the days, telling myself I could get through this, just til tomorrow, then I have 3 days before I have to start again with more unsettlement, but that feels different bc Poppy is on half term holiday, and I've known about it all along. And she has had lots of offers of sleep overs. Sha has said it will be hard not spending time with me, but I have said I will make sure there is lots of time for her, and to help her get her work in order somewhere- maybe at our neighbours house while they are at work, or times when my parents are out. It will be OK, I don't feel so stressed about next week, and then I know I'll ba back there for a clear run of 4 weeks before we move to the little cottage; AND maybe Hannah will let me move my stuff out of my room at the Barn so D can have my room to do what he wants with, I will feel ready by then.


Today has been OK. I guess bc it's the last day of them being here. The painters were here again, and Andy and Philippa were everywhere. I walked with Philippa and her dog in the rain, we had an earnest chat, she said I'm looking much better than a year ago :) I visited my parents and sister, then had a muddly work session with Kitty when I couldn't focus, then came home hoping the cottage would be empty. Of course it wasn't, they were fiddling about, doing this, then that... I said LEAVE IT, GO, let ME do it... They had a long drive home as it was. It's so good to take a breath again, relax, not have to talk, but I feel intoxicated with the gloss paint and wood stain fumes, there is so much wet paint around!


I think I've caught up. It's always so good to debrief with you. Thank you for your encouragement and support. I am definitely able to cope with things better now, I do believe I HAVe come a long way...


I am so tired now. I didn't think I'd be able to write to you this evening I've been feeling rather poorly, but I'm glad I managed to. I have missed you. And thank you for your thoughts, that makes me feel good, and smiley Smile


Must get to bed.. the fire has gone out now. Nice while it lasted. Do you have fires? Log burners? Open fires?


Goodnight my friend


 


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hey Hilary Rose! I'll be right back. It'll take me a bit to read this though :)

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Sorry Kate, wanted to catch up :)


Don't hurry, I'll see you tomorrow


HR

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Ok, talk to you then!

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It sounds like the cottage is cute and quirky! It's nice that things are going to be settled soon and you and Poppy can move in. The owners sound lovely so that should mean you will have a good experience with them.

You bought a TV! Wow, that is fun, isn't it? Something new for your new place :)

What did you think of Poppy's impression of your parents? It is interesting to see it from her point of view, never having lived with them like you did and experiencing all of the pain and abuse. It must lend some proof and support to your feelings about what you went through.

I hope K was able to help you sort out the situation with Dave and what happened with the police officer. I understand your feelings about it. It can be frightening to confront Dave with the police and let him know that you have been reporting his behavior. How you feel is very normal for someone who has been through severe abuse over a long period of time. It is common for a survivor to feel fear, regret and guilt when they finally take action against their abuser. And there is some Stockholm Syndrome signs there as well. Feeling bad for Dave for something he has caused as well as sympathy for the consequences he faces for harassing you is part of that. Dave causes you pain yet you feel bad when he has to deal with being responsible for how he acts with you. It's an accepting of the pain and taking it on without feeling that he has to own up to what he does and without setting boundaries for yourself to protect you from getting hurt.

In order to deal with Dave, your situation may have to go a bit further. He will continue to harass you if there is no boundaries set up to stop him. Dave does not have the ability to stop himself. And therefore, he will continue to hurt you as long as his desire to do so is still there. It is difficult to face taking it further, and working through your anxiety about it might help. There is a reaction you have when you think about setting those boundaries with Dave and thinking through what that might be and why you have it can reduce your anxiety and help you confront the situation with more confidence. I don't know if you touched on that with K, but if not, we can certainly talk it through so you feel better about protecting yourself.

I hope you sleep very well tonight! Sweet dreams :)

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5524
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


thank you for your post, it seems so long ago now.


Yesterday I was home alone most of the day, sorting through all my posts i have written to you since I moved out of the Barn, as I have every occasion that D has attempted to pressurise me to go back documented!! I copied and pasted them into word and made a chronology, and when he got his letters from Mark.


Then pm I saw Adele, I had sent her a long email about my week bc I didn't think I'd have the strength to tell her everything. I was utterly exhausted in our session, my day had passed on nervous energy, and I admit to having eaten little over the last week (those extra 7lb on my tummy?? They have gone!) I laid down on the beanbags, had almost no words. She 'told me a story' of my childhood and marriage to D, she was trying to make me feel better about what I was 'doing' to D. I managed to talk a bit about my worries for the appointment at the Police station today, and we arranged for me to ring her 20 mins before my appointment so she could help my with anxiety.


I didn't get to ask you about the reaction you wrote about, I don't think I talked about it with K, maybe we can still talk about it?. She has mentioned Stokholm Syndrome just a week or so ago and sent me some links (or was it battered woman syndrome, I forget)


Anyway, this morning.... the police station was locked when I arrived, no-one about. I had to dial 101 from the phone by the door to get someone at the County Police switchboard to ring them and tell them I was there! My officer had to take me round the back through the building site bc he couldn’t find the person with the keys!!!!


He said I’ve met you before. Mmm, he did look familiar- back in September, my very first meeting when He went to the offices with Ziggy. I spent most of that interview mute with my eyes closed, tears streaming, with Ziggy talking for me. He said he was surprised when he saw he was interviewing me, when he looked yesterday, that I was going to the Police Station and not DVAAS offices. I said I’ve come a long way since then, I saw him when I was still at the Barn with nowhere to go, and didn’t know what to do.

He asked me to talk, tell me what’s happening. Well, I couldn’t just like that. He said he knows I have moved out, so that was a starting point, got through that bit. I stopped and started and tried to tell things but then got my papers out and He looked and I had a break.

I told him about my reporting to them, that the PC on Tuesday insisted they must do something about this now, and how scared it made me feel to know they’d do that. He said they can only do something about it if I WANT them to, bc a crime hasn’t been committed- if that was so, then I would have no choice. He said they have to take my wishes seriously bc only I know what I have to deal with. A duty of care for Me. He checked with his supervisor that he could just document everything, then at least it’s on record if my solicitor needed to get it to apply for a restraining order (asked if we had that in mind) – suggested getting one with power of arrest as maybe next step. But he also said that just bc D has a letter from my solicitor, it’s not a legal document that he must abide by, that has to come from the courts, but it serves as a warning for what might come next.

We went through another risk assessment form, which was useful bc it was a springboard for telling him other things. We talked about when D was ill, and how it could have been a manipulative tactic, (he said you’re doing the right thing.... getting out....) how controlling he was... is.... etc

I felt so much better when he told me that they didn’t have to visit him. He said that I could arrange to have a police presence when I go to the Barn to move my stuff out, I just need to let them know in advance. They said they’d much rather be there for a quiet 3 hours, than attend a scene where there has been a crime committed (property broken, damaged, injury etc)- less work for them!

He told me not to hesitate to be in touch, ring the Domestic Abuse Unit for a chat, etc; checked my support circle.... told me how mobile phones can be located by GPS.... long interview, almost 2 hours

So I’m feeling better, maybe not the result everyone would have wished, (was that a weakness to say no? was it OK to do what made me feel better?) that he doesn’t get a visit, but I can relax a bit now, and tell myself it will happen next time.

My last night here at the cottage, Poppy is away for the next 3 nights. I have to fully move out for the guests tomorrow, but I have places around the cottage that I can put things that will be out of their way (and hopefully they won't want to go rummaging in the cupboard under the stairs!!)

I'm looking forward to an early night now, shall go right now.

Oh, I gave Sam a lift home from college after dropping Poppy into town for her few nights away. he told me a bit about what D is up to, that he is looking for a job, been looking online. And that he gave him a lift to college bc the road through the village was closed and there was no bus to catch! he said that en-route through the village they were stopped by a woman outside my new little cottage who obviously knows D is a builder, and asked him to give him a quote for some work at her home. She lives in one of the little group of cottages with mine. I hope he doesn't go to see it, he will be working next door but one if he gets the job. Wouldn't that be typical!? Sam says D knows that Poppy and I are moving there. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Bed now... goodnight Kate, thank you for being near

Hilary Rosexx
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I'm glad you had a chance to talk with Adele today. She always is so supportive and understanding.

It was a great idea to go through all of our posts so you could make a list of what Dave has done and the actions you and Mark have responded with. I imagine that helped with your interview a lot.

It sounds like the police officer was really kind and supportive. I'm so glad you went through with talking to them. You need the support since Dave is acting out so much. Having that back up is invaluable. So if you (God forbid) have to contact the police, they will have a full story about what Dave has done and what actions have been taken plus all of the people involved.

I understand your hesitancy to do something further against Dave. When there is so much abuse in a relationship, it is naturally difficult to break that fear and go against the abuser. You learned to live in fear all these years of Dave hurting you. He had all this power over you and you complied with him in order to save yourself and the kids. After learning to live like that for so long, it would be an automatic response to fear going against him even if he cannot hurt you anymore. You may want to explore more about battered woman syndrome and Stockholm syndrome as well. Both of these describe what you are experiencing and may help you understand it better.

It would figure that Dave tries to get a job close to where you are going. It fits with his need to be in your life and somehow try to control you. If he does end up nearby, you may want to talk to the police again and let them know.

Good night, Hilary Rose. Sleep well during your last night in the cottage :)

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5524
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dear Kate,


it's so good to sit and talk to you. Thank you for your post. I seem to be wading through each and every day, and am so looking forward to next Saturday....


Yesterday I spent all day packing up Poppy's and my things, and stashing them in every corner of the cottage that isn't likely to be accessed by the guests, or putting them ready to be loaded into my car to bring here to my parents. I am such a perfectionist, , it really was a chore to get the cottage ready for them in a way that I'd be happy to leave it. I had an hour out for lunch with my parents, otherwise it was full pelt. Mum offered to help, but I preferred to do it alone. I seemed to leave with minutes tp spare (they'd emailed to say they'd not be arriving til 7pm, I'd texted a while before then for an update (but didn't get a response), I was dreading them coming before I'd finished. I drove out of the parking space, loaded up my car, unloaded it at my parent's (in the dark), then went to park again as they arrived. Such a relief.


I was in a state of collapse last night, I just about dragged myself through a bath- I prefer showers though- it brought back many memories of cold half baths when I lived at home. So I went to bed with wet hair, I had to sleep, but was awake at 5.


Today has been equally full on, , up early to get to AA's cottage for the final clearance, which we manAGED IN A COUPlE OF HOURS. wE BROUGHT HOME so MUCH RUBBISH, AND NOW MUM WANTS TO SORT THROUGH IT ALL BEFORE THROWING IT OUT. i WAS HOPING IT WOULD ALL JUST GET TAKEN TO THE RECYCLE CENTRE, BUT NOT. i WILL HAVE A CARLOAD WHEN i GO ON tUESDAY THOUGH.


wE TOOK ALL THE REST OF aa'S CLOTHES TO THE hOME THIS AFTERNOON, THEY PHONED ME THE OTHER DAY TO SAY SHE'D FALLEN (TWICE), AND ALOS THAT SHE HAD NO CLOTHES LEFT (sorry about the caps- it locked.. and I'm typing in the near dark by the light of my netbook screen- YES, really!....)


She was in a bad way, on bedrest, couldn't get up, too painful. I asked to speak to the Nurse on duty about her painkillers, and whether they were certain she had no fracture. She said the GP had been out to see her 3 times, hadn't asked for an xray, but seemed unconcerned re a #. She was going to document my anxiety about it, but whether anything else will get done I don't know.


I did my best to make her comfy and sort her room. Dad labelled all her clothes and I went to the laundry with a carer to see if I could find any of her things, came away with an armload. We'd said from the beginning we'd wash her clothes for her bc she had delicates and the Home manager said it would be best, XXXXX XXXXX hadn't labelled anything. She was down to minimal clothes by today, and even now half have gone missing. Ah well.


We went from there to visit my other aunt who is still in hospital after #ing her hip 2 weeks ago. She will be discharged this week. I hope there will be no complications there, she lives an hour away..


So I have been collapsed since I got back. Mum and dad are reading the paper now, I have had a rest and can think again. It seems strange being an adult and staying with them, it throws me back so many years. Yes, Poppy's feelings towards them (mum anyway) do help me to accept how it was for me as a child. And watching the way she chastises dad for the slightest thing (he dropped a bit of potato on the floor yesterday and didn't pick it all up, then trod in it and then walked it 2 paces across the carpet- she was furious, and dad just took it, quietly, no talk back, just apology. She was way over the top and spent a good 5 minutes scraping it off the carpet,...... I look at dad and wonder how he can bear her outbursts, (sometimes I see him throwing his hands silently in the air in despair) or idiosyncratic behaviour, or absolute routined lifestyle. She can speak nicely and gently, but mostly it's forcefully and overtly expressive which makes her sound so cross all the time.


I am feeling uncomfortably removed from my family unit, I said this to mum, she said we're your family too. Mm. Poppy is still away tonight, and with a friend tomorrow. I think she'll be working from night to night hoping someone will let her stay. Tomorrow she'll be with the friend she's away with. I want to see her on Tuesday. I don't like this limbo, but am looking forward to next Saturday, they will be gone earl, so I can get back in soon after, boxes back, things from the barn to sort through, ready for moving again in 4 weeks.


I've had an email from Hannah to say that her insurance claim has been accepted and work will be all done by our moving date. She sent the tenancy agreement through email for me to read before we meet next, and I emailed to say could we talk about the dogs visiting me.... I haven't mentioned them so far, so hope she says it's OK. If not I'll just have to deal.


I haven't really seen D, only yesterday, he took me by surprise as I was shaking a duster out of the window, he popped his head round the side of the house where he was sorting stuff in one of his tips, said I'm tidying up, and that the recycling had built up to such an extent that he had sorted it into 3 large oil drums, and that he'll have to take it to the recycle centre bc there was too much for the household collection!! I didn't say much. Oh yes, he said are you moving to the cottage along the road today, I said no, my parents. Nothing further said. Everything feels so strange, me being here, back with parents, him there, Sam there somewhere too, at work today, Poppy away. I just want this week to go by, and be settled a bit again. Anyway, I have work tomorrow, go to work for a rest. I have been so shattered this weekend.


Goodnight Kate, hope you've had a good weekend


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you have had such a busy day! Wow, who wouldn't be exhausted after all that?

It must be so difficult to go between all the homes until you can get settled. Moving once is so difficult but doing it over and over is beyond hard. I was wondering if you felt you were making a huge sacrifice because of Dave and his refusal to move out of your home. He has really forced you and Poppy into a very bad situation and doesn't seem to care at all.

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt's situation. It is so common to have misplaced and stolen clothes in a nursing home. That is a problem here as well. Even if you label them they go missing.

It is very interesting to hear you describe the interaction between your mom and dad. It reminded me very much of what happened between you and Dave, just reversed. You were the one being emotionally abused for just being there and trying to be yourself and Dave was the one acting out against you taking your freedom away and keeping you feeling bad about yourself. You were able to leave that situation though and find way again. It must be difficult to see your father live under similar conditions as you had to but not finding the strength to leave.

I hope all works out quickly for your final move into the cottage. I can't imagine how hard it is for you doing all this moving around. And it would be wonderful if you were allowed to bring the dogs along. I know how much they help you and comfort you :)

Good night, Hilary Rose. Sleep tight!

Katexx
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