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BillLCSW
BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
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I want to know how to get the person I love back?

Resolved Question:

I want to know how to get the person I love back?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

In order to provide the best answer to your question , I will need a little more information.

1) Please summarize the history of your relationship and how long you have been apart.
2) What would your the person in question say if I asked him whether or not he feels the relationship is over
3)Your history of previous relationships and how they ended.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kindest regards, Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

History of our Relationship:


 


Pablo and I met a year ago next week. We met through work as we are both performers for a traveling show. Other than being co workers nothing else was between us. But one night while out at the bar together with our group, Pablo came up to me and kissed me out of no where. Throughout the night this continued and we did end up leaving together and we did sleep together that night. (A random hook up, or one night stand is not something that I do.)


 


Next day I wasn't really sure as to what all of this was or what had really happened because it wasn't like me to do something like that. But I can't say I didn't like that it had. In summary this did not stop. This same occasion happened three time within that same week of the first occasion. After this first week, we were always talking, always seeing each other, and always spending as much time together as we could.


 


After two weeks, we were staying the night every night with each other, ( we live out of hotels) and if one of us wasn't staying the night with the other we would make sure we could see each other for a while before bed.


 


Neither of us were really saying anything about how we felt but there were times where sweet and caring statements where made by both of us. But neither of us were really saying anything because our show was ending in 6 weeks from the start of all of this and we would both be going separate ways, he back home to Argentina, and I back home to Colorado.


 


As our show was closing in the final week, we really began to realize just how much we cared for each other and that we didn't want our time to end. But at the same time after this tour we did not know if we would both be on the same tour in the coming turn over. He was already contracted to go to the new show for the next tour, and I was still unconfirmed.


 


When we both got to our home, we still stayed in touch. We talked every day every moment. We would constantly be on the phone, or skype, or texting, or what ever way we could find to communicate. Soon we were falling asleep together on Skype video calls and waking up with each other on screen.


 


During this period, we really admitted to each other how we were both feeling for each other and that we both wished that this could work between us and that we could be together. The only real thing standing in our way was that we did not know if we would be on the same tour together. I wanted nothing more than to be on the same show as Pablo, and for us to be together, so I made it my purpose to do whatever it took to get on the same show as him so that we could be together. (this he knew)


 


Our show we were on together had 1 more week where we would be working in the Dominican republic together. We had now spent 5 weeks apart since we had last seen each other before our break from tour had began. During this break I did what it took to get a contract for the same show Pablo was going to, which meant I turned down several Principle Roles to accept an ensemble contract just to be on the same show as him.(I was already a principle performer within our company so this meant taking a hefty pay loss but that did not matter to me. All that mattered to me was being with him)


 


I signed my contract for the show he would be on two days before we would see each other in the Dominican. Upon both of us arriving we both knew we would finally be on the same show together again, and that this week in the Dominican would not be our last chance together. So during the week in the dominican we decided that we could officially say that we were together and in a relationship. Both of us where so happy.


 


One of the nights in the dominican we were both laying in bed in our room and Pablo put his hand on his heart, then placed it on my chest and said, "I give you my heart, take care of it and please don't break it" I promised him that night that I would never do anything to hurt him, and that is a promise that I meant. Pablo, is a jealous type of person, which never bothered me, and he is also extremely fearful of being hurt, as he has been hurt before.


 


After our week together in the Dominican, we both went back to our homes for 4 more weeks before we would see each other again for the rehearsals of our new show. During this 4 weeks things stayed the same between us as they had the first time we were apart.


 


Finally the day came where we would see each other again, and this time there wouldn't be a time limit on it. At least not for a while as our tours run 10 months long. Our rehearsal period was scheduled for 6 weeks then we would hit the road and begin our tour. During this period of time we had our own hotel room together, so basically we were living and working together. Everything was blissful. We never fought, or argued, there was only one occasion that we had a minor tiff, and it was my doing by over reacting to a comment, and within 5 minutes I had apologized and it was over.


 


Unfortunately, 1 1/2 weeks into our 6 weeks rehearsal period I sustained a knee injury. I stayed with Pablo, and continued to watch the rehearsals in between doctor visits each day. On the 5th week of rehearsals, I was told I would need Knee surgery to repair the injury and then I could continue work again. Our company's policy for situations like this is you return home, receive treatment, recover, then return to the tour.


 


So sadly, with one week left in our rehearsal period, I had to leave to have my surgery and recover.


 


Home for me is in Colorado where I have my own place. But I chose to have my surgery in Houston where I could stay with my family and they could help me with my recovery.


 


I was away from Pablo for exactly 12 weeks. At first we continued to communicate. We could not have our normal video Skype sessions as we use to when we were apart because if my internet wasn't working the hotel internet he would be using would not be strong enough for a good enough connection. But we continued to talk over text and typically once or so a week we would chat on the phone. After being away for two weeks I finally had my surgery. I was happy the surgery was over because all I wanted to do was return to Pablo, and he knew that.


 


After my surgery, my Cousin came to my house to visit and help take care of me while I recovered. after about a week out of surgery I began physical therapy to finish my recovery. I had physical therapy nearly everyday except on the weekends. Soon, if I wasn't doing something all day or night with my cousin, my parents were asking me to do something and if it wasn't them, my grandparents were requesting time with me. This was caused by the fact that this would be the first time I would be "home with family" in over 6 years. So everyone wanted time with me. Soon I realized that I hadn't been communicating with Pablo very well except for text messaging. Other than Sending him "Good Morning my love" and Goodnight I love you" text every morning and night, my text messaging had also become something that was not an immediate response sometimes I wouldn't respond to a text from the afternoon until night time.


 


After being away for about 6 weeks, Pablo called me one night. He called me to ask me if everything between us was okay. That he felt that I wasn't really communicating with him and that we really didn't talk anymore. He was afraid that I no longer cared for him and did not want him anymore or worse that I was with someone else and had forgotten about it. He then asked me to take me time to figure out if this was something that I really wanted if I needed to. I asked him that night if this call was to end our relationship and he said it was not. But that he didn't now what was going on between us. I assured him that nothing was going on with anyone else, and that I still felt the same way for him and missed him tremendously more and more each day. And I explained to him why my communication had seemed to be so bad lately and I made a point from that moment on to improve my communication with him. We had more phone conversations after that and we texted a lot more often from then on.


 


One week before I returned to my show, I received text messages from one of my cast mates Michael, who was drunk at the bar. His text messages where trying to tell me that he felt that Pablo, and Adam, another person on our tour, had been friendlier than they had normally been and that they seemed "Closer". Michael and Adam had been together, for the whole time I had known either one of them (which had been for the same amount of time I had known Pablo) He informed me that night as well that Adam had left him about 1 month after I left the tour for my surgery. This was complete news to me as I had not heard anything about this at all. I didn't read to much into these texts as I honestly trust Pablo, and didn't feel that I had anything to be worried about. I never said anything to Pablo about these text messages and the next morning I received a call from Michael and he apologized for the things the had said the night before that he had been drunk, and was just feeling crappy about not being with adam and had a weak moment. I let this go at that.


 


Finally I was able to return to my show and to Pablo. He was the first person I told when I found out I could return.


 


I would be driving from Houston, Texas to Newark, NJ to rejoin the show. I told him that I would be arriving on the sunday afternoon and would be there by the time he finished with the shows that afternoon. This would be the sunday before Thanksgiving.


 


I was so excited to see him again, and couldn't wait any longer that I did not stop at all on the drive except for fuel and restroom breaks and no sleep. I arrived Saturday night earlier than I had told him I would be getting in. So I convinced the hotel to give me a key to his room so that I could go in and surprise him because I knew he had already gone to bed.


 


I walked into his dark room, he was sleeping, he woke up when I opened the door and at first thought that it was his roommate for the week coming back in from the bar. When he realized it was me, he screamed my name jumped out of bed and threw his arms around me and pulled me down onto the bed and just wouldn't let me go.


 


We were both so happy to see each other again!!!!! It was finally here, the day we were together again. I had missed him so much, and wanted nothing more than to just be with him.


 


After spending some time together in his room and talking and being just happy we were together, we went over to a small pub near the hotel and met up with a friend of ours that is also on our show with us. (this person happens to be Adam, the person mentioned above earlier, who does happen to be an ex of Pablo's from before I knew any of them) From what I know of their past relationship, it did not last long at all,only weeks, it was honestly just sex, and Pablo had become attached and Adam let him know that it was nothing more for him and Pablo ended up being the one hurt.


 


The next day we spent the day together in new york with some of our cast mates and saw a movie and just spent time together while we did things with our group. Everything seemed perfect and normal to me. I was so happy, and he seemed happy to. My second day there, I began to get a really bad sore throat. So I went to the doctor to be tested for strep, which I did not have, but just to make sure that I didn't give him anything, we stopped kissing because I didn't want to get him sick if I actually had something. That same night we had an argument, which honestly was our first argument ever.


 


He was planned to move into the hotel room I had and be with me for the week and his roommate was to be able to keep their room to himself. Well, on this day, a new person arrived to our tour so they put that person with Pablo's previous roommate. Pablo expressed to me that he felt bad that this was going to happen because he had signed up with that person and now they were going to have to room with someone they didn't know or sign up to room with. I got upset as all I wanted us to do was spend all our time together because we had already lost so much time. And in some ways I felt that he was choosing a friend over me. I got upset and reacted badly which caused an argument during which he even made the comment, "you didn't seem to want to be this way while you were gone but no that you are here you want to be" My response to that was that I thought we had talked about that already and apologized again for why that happened and for the fact that my poor communication had even happened.


 


We both calmed down ended our discussion and got ready for bed. As we were getting ready for bed, I apologized for the way I had reacted to the conversation, for raising my voice, and again for my poor communication while I was away. I then said that the reason I had reacted so strongly about this conversation was because I just love him, and that I wanted to spend all the time we could together, and not lose anymore time together.


 


The next day, Pablo moved all of his things into my room and things seemed okay. This day was the wednesday before Thanksgiving and we had two shows then the company would provide us a thanksgiving dinner. We went to work together, did our two shows and then had our company meal. I arrived at the company meal before the rest of our group as I am done with the show earlier than the other cast members. So I fixed my plate sat at a table and saved a seat for Pablo. As every one showed up to the meal I was waiting for Pablo to make it there. When he got to the meal, he fixed his plate, walked to another room and sat with other people. Never looked for where I was sitting, nor did he ever seem to think I was even there. I found this really odd, and I didn't really know what to think of it and honestly I was hurt. I ate my meal, and left and got on our bus. When we got back to our hotel room, I asked him why he didn't come sit with me at the meal and that I had saved a seat for him. He said sorry, I didn't see you. It was left at that.


 


The next morning, was Thanksgiving morning. As we were leaving our Hotel room for work, I looked at him gave him a hug kissed him on his forehead and said, "This Thanksgiving, I am simply thankful to have someone like you and to finally be back with you." his response to this was a shrug of his shoulder and said "This isn't my holiday." I was completely shocked and once again hurt by this. That whole day at work we didn't seem to talk either, which was odd...I just felt like something wasn't right.


 


I asked him if he was okay, and he said yes he was. On our ride back to our hotel after work, we sat together on our bus but he just sat there with his headphones on and if I tried to talk he just seemed disinterested.


 


We got of the bus and went back to our room, I once again asked him if he was okay, and he said yes.


 


He then said that he was going into New York City with our friends Sergei and Maria for dinner and asked me if I wanted to come. I asked him if he wanted me to come and he responded with I wouldn't ask you if you want to come if I didn't want you to come.


 


So I said okay I will go.


 


We went into the city but I just couldn't help but feel something wasn't right. At the train station He asked me if I was okay, and i said no that I felt that he didn't want me to be here anymore. His response was, This is not the place we will talk about this later.


 


We went through the rest of the night normal when we were around people, then we ended up on our own together walking around central park for about an hour. We always walked holding each other but for some reason he wouldn't really let me hold him or his hand. And when I would try to kiss him he wouldn't let me. This was the oddest of them all.


 


We met back up with our friends and had dinner, at dinner things seemed fine, and the we took the train back to our hotel.


 


When we got back to the hotel he was quiet. I asked him if he was okay, he said yes, I then asked him if we were okay, and he said no.


 


 


I asked him what he meant and why. He said he didn't know. That he didn't know what happened that he just doesn't feel the same. and really had no other answer that I could get out of him other than that. He asked that I stay the same person I am, not to change, and that we just be friends. I couldn't and still do not understand any of this.


 


While I was gone, I know how hard he took things, I know this because the rest of our cast saw it. And they told me about it. And I know he was hurt by my poor communication, but when I apologize for it and try to make up for it, he says that it has nothing to do with this, and that nothing I did caused this.


 


Now days, he seems to spend all his time with Adam, his ex, I am afraid they might be together "secretly" as no one here says anything about or seems to act like the notice anything, and I had the chance to look at Pablo's phone about a week ago, and their texts between each other from two nights before Pablo broke up with me just seem to be odd to me. Pablo doesn't really seem to be saying much, but adam seems to be trying hard. And their current text seem to be normal communication except for some of them having "kisses" and "hugs" on the ends of them.


 


If anything is going on between Adam and Pablo, I know this will only end bad for Pablo again, as adam is a person that uses you for his benefit then doesn't care anymore. And I would hate to see that happen


 


But I truly love Pablo. And I want us to be together again, but I just don't know what to do anymore.


 


I have tried to talk to him several times about this, and only once was he willing. Any other time I have asked to talk about this he shuts me out and goes for a period of time without even talking to me at work.


 


What should I do? We were together for just about 7 months when this happened. and it happened to me out of complete know where. And he still to this day can't give me a reason beyond, I just don't want to be in a relationship, I want to have friends and enjoy my tour, and that so isn't Pablo.


 


Please help Thank you. If you need anymore information please feel free to ask.


 


Thanks,


Jon

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Jon-

Thank you for the additional information.

I have received your response and will reply later this morning (before 11am)

Thank you,

Bill
Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Jon-

I am sorry to read about what happened in your relationship with Pablo.

In reading what you have written- I see a common theme that often occurs in a relationship where there is a flight into romance such as you write about that seems to come out of nowhere and ends almost as abruptly.

This a relationship without any real lasting foundation other than the connection you had and continue to have through your work. The nature of your work and the situations that occurred during the process of your work (although pleasantly romantic and intense i.e. staying up all night talking etc) are essentially superficial and maintaining connection so that you could pursue this relationship.

The process of all relationships is one of distance and pursuit. Until there is greater depth - there can be no true an lasting intimacy- as there is no foundation for it.,

I often use the metaphor- a relationship is life a Jet taking off. There must be a firm and solid runway(foundation) two people that work in unison to and understand the other to get the plane off the ground and then gradual work together to insure lift so that the proper altitude can be gained and the proper balance achieved so that the plane can endure turbulence and whatever happens without crashing"

In your relationship it has been sexually romantic without a firm foundation. Time together has been fragmented by life events and although there was communication -it doesn't appear that there has been a meeting of the minds or commitment of any kind regarding Pablo's destination.???????

Based on what I have read- I think that you have more interest in the relationship than Pablo does and for this I am sorry as it is unlikely that this will change. You cannot force someone to care more for you because you do them.

All you can do is express your own needs and if they cannot be met, it is best to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on. Otherwise, you will be on a merry go round of worry and wonder and this is not fair to you.

If I were you- I would read the following link below- which defines trait of a healthy relationship.


Then, if you feel this is still up in the air, I would encourage you to define what you want from the relationship and express same to Pablo. Keep in short and clear and after you express your self. STOP TALKING. His response will reveal how committed he is to you and if is not close to meeting your needs, this is most definitely a sign that you will have to move on and not be controlled by the power of this relationship process- to do so is to maintain an unhealthy co-dependency.

Here is the link that addresses the Hallmarks of a healthy relationship:
Use them as a guide:

http://www.campbell.edu/pdf/counseling-services/characteristics-of-healthy-romantic-relationships.pdf

Trust your gut feeling about this Jon. Let me know how it goes.

Kind regards, Bill






Trust your gut Jon and I wish you the very best.
BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
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