Hi, My name is XXXXX XXXXX I would like to help. Please be patient while I read your question in depth and prepare an answer for you. I will you know if I have any questions. Thanks
Hi Jennifer. Thank you no problem.
Do you feel the issue here is the fact she lied to you and erased the messages between him and her before he left for his country or is it strictly the images and thoughts of them in the past?
Or would it be both?
Did you have these feelings before that incident of her trying to see him and her lying?
This problem seems to be twofold.
The fact that she tried to see him than erased all messages I think broke the trust between you, which caused you to look more into her old emails that then sparked these feelings you are having now with the images of them.
The fact that she wanted to see them and erased the messages is very concerning.
Even though you forgave her doesn't mean that things will change overnight.
Forgiving is good and a sign that you want to make it work and move on. It means you are releasing the pain from within you. However, when we forgive someone people sometimes think everything then is great and wonderful, but this is not so.
Sometimes we may forgive someone, but want nothing to do with them and therefore we will remove the negative from our lives whereas in other cases we can work through things. Some take more time than others depending the issue.
In your case it is up to her to prove her trust to you. If you are feeling uncomfortable because it is difficult for you to trust her and you are wondering about if anything happened that is normal.
Since she broke the trust by lying then created more suspicion it is normal for you to wonder if she is being honest.
It is up to her now to show her love you and how she can be trusted. She would also need to be understanding and patient with you if sometimes you have a hard time believing her. These are part of the consequences for her actions and decisions.
As for the next part of your question she seems to have low self esteem to allow herself to be treated the way she was. Her issue may not be yet resolved if she was looking for him and cooking food for him. A person with confidence would not want to be bothered with someone as such.
I didn't have these issues before the incident but her lying and the fight we had brought all the details to light making it more visual for me.
Now if you are choosing to stay with her than you can not hold her responsible for her past before you. You can indeed help her to work through her issues as a result of her past and her issues that allowed her to stay, but can not be upset with her since at that time you both were not together.
Yes, I understand
It probably caused the lack of trust in the relationship which caused you to be upset and suspicious about their entire relationship
but how about the bad images of her being his sex object...
The trust issues that I have ,mentioned above is very serious
Yes that is what I was going to say now
I wake up with horrible images of them having this dirty sex..
By the way, you right on the point with the first part...it is a self esteem issue for her..she did mention that many times.
Even though the images are separate from the rest of the issues. The other issues kind of provoked it. Working on the images will not solve tje trust issues However, as the trust builds your issue with the images will improve.
Besides working on the trust issues there are things you can do to help with these images in the meantime
when I have these images...I tend to disappear for days and I don't want to talk to her. She tries to reach me and explain that she is really sorry but...I just feel horrible about the images
it will be more difficult since you have these other underlying issues, but everything would need to be worked on simultaneously
I can imagine
It is because you do not want to see her in the light you read about
You know her as a different person, so when you read about these things it hurts you and therefore you get angry with her.
You can not imagine it being the person you love.
what is good to remember is everyone has a past
Not everyone is perfect
Some worse pasts than others.
If she is showing you her true personality now and you like what you see then remind yourself that this was an unhealthy relationship from the past. She agreed because of her self esteem issues and not because it was a good relationship
She is lucky to have me know and
what should I do when I have these images? should I block them, should I call her and talk about it?
Not be trapped in that relationship. We are now in a healthy relationship
When you have the images
Yes you need to block them and remind yourself of what I just wrote
Replace it with positive thoughts of her
Do not allow yourself to feed into the thoughts
That will make them grow and take control.
Our mind controls a lot more than we realize
We really have a lot of power in there.
you are right...they are almost taking control that is the reason for our chat
Talking with her about it is good too to release your feelings
Yes and you have to play an active role in removing them
When they come into play immediately remove it and replace it with a positive image and thought about you and her together
I did write her today but we have not spoken about it...she is dying to talk about it...I have alaready told her today what is going on...
If you think about it then it will eat you up inside
That is good you told her
Yes it has since last night and getting worse by the hour
And is also good she is willing to discuss it
These are all good signs
Relax and take a breather
Do not allow these thoughts to stay
Replace them and talk with her
She is with you now.
Have you been with another woman before her?
ok I will do this tonight - but you know all this is done over skype since we are in two different countries. We will get together in 10 days
It is more difficult
Yes I have I was married for many years and recently divorced
But try and take it easy until you see each other again
ok will do that
OK so what if she has images of you and your wife together
Try to think about that
Everyone has a past
We can not erase it
we discussed this. She thniks my marriage was not based on sex and she accepted that
We all get upset when we think about the person we love with another, but we need to let it go and not let it control us
please note that I did not have a problem with her past until she reconnected with the guy again
I have seen people be more upset about past relationships that were purely emotional with no sex since they felt upset that they could have been closer to the ex
I do understand that
And I know this makes it extremely harder for you
That is a good sign though that you can get past this
I will organize my thoughts today. I will put all your points together and review before speaking to her. I really love this woman...she is simply amazing.
It is good you and her were accepting of one another past.
Now since she broke the trust it is extremely important she rebuikds it and you both talk
This will help a great deal
But you removing the images and replacing them with positive will help you to deal with them immediately
she is shwoing this and trying to be very transparent about her actions and moements.
It will not be like this forever
As you take an active role in removing them then it will become more natural
And also as the trust builds
Therefore you will not go through this forever. It will get better with a combination of everything I mentioned
This is a good plan you have and remember
When you talk be open and honest with no judging or pointing fingers. We can say anything, but the way we say it can make a huge impact on how the other responds. It seems as though she is willing to work on this and you both care for each other deeply.
You both can get past this.
And your love will overcome all of this unhealthy past
It is my pleasure to help
thanks again...great session. I really appreciated
I am glad I could help. Anytime. All the best to both of you
how can I save this so I can download to MS word and make my plan
I will switch it to question and answer then you will have the whole conversation in your email. If you have an issue you can call customer service, but you shouldn't. It should be save there. Also, even after you rate me you can even go back to that thread and follow up with me. I will be alerted when you send me a messages.