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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Dear Advisor Seven months ago, I met the love of my life,

Resolved Question:

Dear Advisor
Seven months ago, I met the love of my life, she is kind, beautiful, sexy, and all the good trades you can find in a wonderful person. She is in her 30s and I am in my 40s, we get a long so well, have the same interests, simply the last few months have been wonderful. Three months back, she travelled to another country for work to a place where she is living now but had a previous relationship. What I have learned from her is that this relationship was only sexual and the guy was using her for sex which made her feel ashamed to talk about it. Her pervious relationship lasted for a year. When she intially talked about it I felt really bad for her and I told her to stay away from this guy because he is not a friend but a person that used her for sex. Before she travelled she mentioned that this person will not be there where she is going and there is no need to worry. In January, and through our talks while we are on vacation, I discovered that he lived in the same compound with her and she cooked dinner for him and other friends and was trying to meet him before his departure from the country. Then more facts emerged, she deleted all emails and sms between both of them and we had a big fight over the fact that she lied about him and deleting the emails and sms. She appologized and said that she is really in love with me and she was trying to put a closure on the way he treated her by invitig him for dinner to talk about it.

The problem is that I have gone through her old emails and I have seen how he used to treat her, a basic sex object with no feelings. She said that at that time of her life, she needed to be loved and never fell in love before and that he offered effection to her in the form of sex.

We are trying to get over this and she is treally trying her best to make it work because the love between us is very strong, however, I keep having these images of her having sex with him in a really dirty way, which is making me angry and not able to deal with it.

I really want to be with her, she is a great person and we have plans to do more and live together. How can I keep these images from my mind and focus on our relationship? how can I learn to forgive her and move on?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, My name is XXXXX XXXXX I would like to help. Please be patient while I read your question in depth and prepare an answer for you. I will you know if I have any questions. Thanks

Customer:

Hi Jennifer. Thank you no problem.

jenhelant :

Do you feel the issue here is the fact she lied to you and erased the messages between him and her before he left for his country or is it strictly the images and thoughts of them in the past?

jenhelant :

Or would it be both?

jenhelant :

Did you have these feelings before that incident of her trying to see him and her lying?

jenhelant :

This problem seems to be twofold.

jenhelant :

The fact that she tried to see him than erased all messages I think broke the trust between you, which caused you to look more into her old emails that then sparked these feelings you are having now with the images of them.

jenhelant :

The fact that she wanted to see them and erased the messages is very concerning.

jenhelant :

Even though you forgave her doesn't mean that things will change overnight.

jenhelant :

Forgiving is good and a sign that you want to make it work and move on. It means you are releasing the pain from within you. However, when we forgive someone people sometimes think everything then is great and wonderful, but this is not so.

jenhelant :

Sometimes we may forgive someone, but want nothing to do with them and therefore we will remove the negative from our lives whereas in other cases we can work through things. Some take more time than others depending the issue.

jenhelant :

In your case it is up to her to prove her trust to you. If you are feeling uncomfortable because it is difficult for you to trust her and you are wondering about if anything happened that is normal.

jenhelant :

Since she broke the trust by lying then created more suspicion it is normal for you to wonder if she is being honest.

jenhelant :

It is up to her now to show her love you and how she can be trusted. She would also need to be understanding and patient with you if sometimes you have a hard time believing her. These are part of the consequences for her actions and decisions.

jenhelant :

As for the next part of your question she seems to have low self esteem to allow herself to be treated the way she was. Her issue may not be yet resolved if she was looking for him and cooking food for him. A person with confidence would not want to be bothered with someone as such.

Customer:

I didn't have these issues before the incident but her lying and the fight we had brought all the details to light making it more visual for me.

jenhelant :

Now if you are choosing to stay with her than you can not hold her responsible for her past before you. You can indeed help her to work through her issues as a result of her past and her issues that allowed her to stay, but can not be upset with her since at that time you both were not together.

jenhelant :

Yes, I understand

jenhelant :

It probably caused the lack of trust in the relationship which caused you to be upset and suspicious about their entire relationship

Customer:

but how about the bad images of her being his sex object...

jenhelant :

The trust issues that I have ,mentioned above is very serious

jenhelant :

Yes that is what I was going to say now

Customer:

I wake up with horrible images of them having this dirty sex..

Customer:

By the way, you right on the point with the first part...it is a self esteem issue for her..she did mention that many times.

jenhelant :

Even though the images are separate from the rest of the issues. The other issues kind of provoked it. Working on the images will not solve tje trust issues However, as the trust builds your issue with the images will improve.

jenhelant :

Besides working on the trust issues there are things you can do to help with these images in the meantime

Customer:

when I have these images...I tend to disappear for days and I don't want to talk to her. She tries to reach me and explain that she is really sorry but...I just feel horrible about the images

jenhelant :

it will be more difficult since you have these other underlying issues, but everything would need to be worked on simultaneously

jenhelant :

I can imagine

jenhelant :

It is because you do not want to see her in the light you read about

Customer:

yes

jenhelant :

You know her as a different person, so when you read about these things it hurts you and therefore you get angry with her.

jenhelant :

You can not imagine it being the person you love.

jenhelant :

what is good to remember is everyone has a past

jenhelant :

Not everyone is perfect

jenhelant :

Some worse pasts than others.

jenhelant :

If she is showing you her true personality now and you like what you see then remind yourself that this was an unhealthy relationship from the past. She agreed because of her self esteem issues and not because it was a good relationship

jenhelant :

She is lucky to have me know and

Customer:

what should I do when I have these images? should I block them, should I call her and talk about it?

jenhelant :

Not be trapped in that relationship. We are now in a healthy relationship

jenhelant :

When you have the images

jenhelant :

Yes you need to block them and remind yourself of what I just wrote

jenhelant :

Replace it with positive thoughts of her

jenhelant :

Do not allow yourself to feed into the thoughts

jenhelant :

That will make them grow and take control.

jenhelant :

Our mind controls a lot more than we realize

jenhelant :

We really have a lot of power in there.

Customer:

you are right...they are almost taking control that is the reason for our chat

jenhelant :

Talking with her about it is good too to release your feelings

jenhelant :

Yes and you have to play an active role in removing them

jenhelant :

When they come into play immediately remove it and replace it with a positive image and thought about you and her together

Customer:

I did write her today but we have not spoken about it...she is dying to talk about it...I have alaready told her today what is going on...

jenhelant :

If you think about it then it will eat you up inside

jenhelant :

That is good you told her

Customer:

Yes it has since last night and getting worse by the hour

jenhelant :

And is also good she is willing to discuss it

jenhelant :

These are all good signs

jenhelant :

Relax and take a breather

jenhelant :

Do not allow these thoughts to stay

jenhelant :

Replace them and talk with her

jenhelant :

She is with you now.

jenhelant :

Have you been with another woman before her?

Customer:

ok I will do this tonight - but you know all this is done over skype since we are in two different countries. We will get together in 10 days

jenhelant :

It is more difficult

Customer:

Yes I have I was married for many years and recently divorced

jenhelant :

But try and take it easy until you see each other again

Customer:

ok will do that

jenhelant :

OK so what if she has images of you and your wife together

jenhelant :

Try to think about that

jenhelant :

Everyone has a past

jenhelant :

We can not erase it

Customer:

we discussed this. She thniks my marriage was not based on sex and she accepted that

jenhelant :

We all get upset when we think about the person we love with another, but we need to let it go and not let it control us

Customer:

please note that I did not have a problem with her past until she reconnected with the guy again

jenhelant :

I have seen people be more upset about past relationships that were purely emotional with no sex since they felt upset that they could have been closer to the ex

jenhelant :

I do understand that

jenhelant :

And I know this makes it extremely harder for you

jenhelant :

That is a good sign though that you can get past this

Customer:

I will organize my thoughts today. I will put all your points together and review before speaking to her. I really love this woman...she is simply amazing.

jenhelant :

It is good you and her were accepting of one another past.

jenhelant :

Now since she broke the trust it is extremely important she rebuikds it and you both talk

jenhelant :

This will help a great deal

jenhelant :

But you removing the images and replacing them with positive will help you to deal with them immediately

jenhelant :

Now remember

Customer:

she is shwoing this and trying to be very transparent about her actions and moements.

jenhelant :

It will not be like this forever

jenhelant :

As you take an active role in removing them then it will become more natural

jenhelant :

And also as the trust builds

jenhelant :

Therefore you will not go through this forever. It will get better with a combination of everything I mentioned

jenhelant :

This is a good plan you have and remember

jenhelant :

When you talk be open and honest with no judging or pointing fingers. We can say anything, but the way we say it can make a huge impact on how the other responds. It seems as though she is willing to work on this and you both care for each other deeply.

jenhelant :

You both can get past this.

Customer:

thank you

jenhelant :

And your love will overcome all of this unhealthy past

jenhelant :

No proble,

jenhelant :

It is my pleasure to help

Customer:

thanks again...great session. I really appreciated

jenhelant :

I am glad I could help. Anytime. All the best to both of you

Customer:

how can I save this so I can download to MS word and make my plan

jenhelant :

I will switch it to question and answer then you will have the whole conversation in your email. If you have an issue you can call customer service, but you shouldn't. It should be save there. Also, even after you rate me you can even go back to that thread and follow up with me. I will be alerted when you send me a messages.

Customer:

many thanks

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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