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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Hello and Thank you! Im 29 and my girl is 27. Weve been together

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Hello and Thank you! I'm 29 and my girl is 27. We've been together for about 4 months. I'm having major insecurity issues which is relatively new for me, at least, it's accurate to say its never dominated me like this. This woman is everything I've looked for and I think that is part of the problem, I've never cared so much about pleasing someone. I've always been a confident lover, comfortable with my size, with my ability, etc. until this girl. She has mentioned, not maliciously at all, that she's had bigger lovers and didn't prefer them. She's said that I'm the best she's had and the first man she's met that's been able to really satisfy her and that I make her feel more amazing in every aspect of our relationship. All of this should make me feel amazing, but it doesnt... When were making love and I get a little rough, I can tell she's into it and all I can think about is her past... The next thing I know the passion is gone in that moment andi can no longer perform at all. My insecurities have also led me to ask some questions about her past which hurts her because she says it doesn't matter to her and she can't understand why it bothers me... But it doesnt can't stop these thoughts. It got to a breaking point the other night and she talked about ending it which hurt her because she really loves me and wants a future with me if she can have one. I realized how much I want that too and need to control my thoughts. Will this ease over time? What should I tell my therapist? (I have a appointment Tuesday) how do I get close with her again? What can I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing this - particularly when making love to her. It seems that these negative thoughts are flooding your mind when you both are in the middle of sex and this can't be good for neither of you, but thoughts can be controlled and its great that you're seeing a therapist on Tuesday. depending on their therapy approach, they can explore with you these negative thoughts that are automatically entering your mind at this point.

One of the things that I would also explore is your confidence as insecurities originate from feeling low and doubtful about oneself. So it would be important to try to understand what you have to offer to her and what a good person you are and how you need to learn to believe what and when she says that you satisfy her and she loves you.

I can see all these fantastic signs that she is really into you but your mind is allowing all these negative thoughts to flood in and so that needs to be worked on - this can be done in therapy and we can take a look at it here now too, so that you feel you have something to go away with and think about: many people use techniques that allow them to come away or come out of their negative thought pattern by thinking of something else the moment it occurs - so lets take an example, you're in the middle of things with your partner and an awful thought comes into your mind, you can - in your head -say "stop!" and come back to thinking about what you're doing and the emotions and the feeling, the sensation of being with her - all it is, is you challenging that thought for a moment and bringing yourself back into the room - into the here and now. Does this make sense? It's a strategy that is used a lot with people who have a lot of negative thoughts flooding in and helps them to then, challenge the thought - in your case, you need something very immediate as you would be 'in the moment' - so to speak. Once you've brought yourself out of the thought and said "stop!" under normal circumstances, you would then challenge and confront the thought - this may not be practical for you as you are in the middle of making love, but that would be the next step of the confronting negative thoughts strategy.

Furthermore, it may be better to not ask any further questions about her past - this brings and feeds on your insecurities and makes this ten times worse for you and her. Your insecurities are probably heightened because you really like this girl and feel there is more to lose. Try and talk with the therapist about the above and also about the fear of losing her and hopefully you'll make some progress and feel more able to reassure her (and yourself) and start over. Spending quality time with her will also help you to recognize that you have much more than a good sexual relationship, please do have a think about all that I've said.

I hope this is helping, do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

Please if you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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