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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Relationship Counselling

Resolved Question:

my wife recently contacted deardebra with questions  our relationship problems. i would like to get some advice as well from the same counsellor. we have been married for 15 years and it has been very hard work for me to keep it happy. i have had depression and a breakdown previously. i think that things are reaching a turning point and im scared.


 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : You with have been married for 15 years and relationships are constant work that is normal.
Deardebra : The reason why people keep trying is because they love each other and can not see their lives with out each other.
Deardebra : You have been dealing with depression and a break down and I feel that you had too much pressure on you, to many burdens which caused you to get to your breaking point.
Deardebra : There are times in life where you have to think of you. Think what are your want and needs? How do I find the happiness I need? How do I find that comfort in life? The answer to these question is discovering who you are and what makes you happy. If you are happy then things begin to change in life.
Deardebra : I have to been helping your wife and she asked also if I could help you. This is a marriage where two people are working together that is so important and you both are taking the steps to have a very successful marriage.
Deardebra : Depression is something you are dealing with every day and this is why it is so important to take the time to find what makes you happy. You need something in your life that makes you want to jump out of been ready to face the day.
Deardebra : Think back to childhood when you didn't even want to sleep you just wanted to get out if bed to play with a toy, ride a bike, play with friends.
Deardebra : That is the excitement you want to feel.
Deardebra : If your being pulled in so many directions by others your not living your life your living everyone else's and that causes unhappiness.
Deardebra : You have a lot pulling you in many directions because life can do that some times.
Deardebra : This is when you stop and think what is the best choice for my life.
Deardebra : You and your wife also need to focus on each other. I always say life gets in the way so you have to make the time for each other.
Deardebra : When a relationship first starts people want to impress the person so they go above and beyond.As time passes you hit this comfortable stage where you know the person well and that trying to impress becomes less.
Deardebra : But relationships take work, its about finding that balance. Its about thinking if each other, being kind, thoughtful. Its about being patient,, and understanding. Love can change over the years but you have to embraces it. Love gets stronger as years pass because you know the person differently. Love has a new meaning.
Deardebra : The new meaning is someone that has been there for you through the toughest times in life, someone you grew with building a life, someone that has accepted and loved you for you.
Deardebra : That is a love that is special and will continue to grow.
Deardebra : Your dealing with depression searching for what is causing the problem. Think back to a time when life was simple. When you had time to enjoy amazing things in life.
Deardebra : What has happened is the demands of life has created no time for you. Find something you love or once loved and make that time to enjoy the things you love to do.
Deardebra : I don't want you to be scared.
Deardebra : I want you to embrace life and find that spark that drives you.
Deardebra : Your going to get through this and I am here to help you.
Customer:

thankyou. i think that i have been trying to find that special thing or spark to motivate me for a long time. the problem i face is that whichever way i turn it brings me an overwhelming urge to be on my own.

Customer:

my wife cant understand why or how i can change from wanting a wife and children to be actually wanting to spend time alone. and i know that sounds crazy. i am scared that my feelings are going to hurt others especially my children, but its like a light has been turned off with how i feel to sally and i cant switch it back on.

Customer:

my new business gives me chance to work away and that is what i find i look forward to most. its like freedom knowing i can be me, work hard but without the mental pressure.

Customer:

e more i think about things the more turmoil i find. what i want isnt normal and is upsetting my family. but how do i explain it?

Customer:

my depression been around for a long time. so looking for something from childhood to motivate me is hard. the thing i do remember is wanting to be alone then. i didnt like the pressure from my parents so would take myself away to my room or into the garden. since then ive found it hard to talk about how i feel, but find it easier to say the things i think people want to hear. ive had a lot of practice with that so it comes more easily than confronting what i actually feel. the problem is that this isnt the same with everyone, i mean i can type things to you or speak to a counsellor and even some friends, but never sally. i think that is because i know it would upset her.

Deardebra :

I am going to focus on childhood for a minute cause what you just said explains a lot. A lot of who we are comes from how we were molded in childhood. All you have ever know was when you were pressured was to go to your room or the garden. This is how you always handled things.

Deardebra :

This is all you know how to do is find that quiet place where you deal with things. You want to be on your own right now because the pressures of life have caused you problems. So you are looking to escape away from things for a little while, just as you did in childhood.

Deardebra :

I want you to try something new, step out of your comfort zone.

Deardebra :

You need to not run away, you need to face the problems. The first step is telling Sally how you really feel and not worry if you hurt her feelings.

Deardebra :

I know this is hard but I feel she need honest direct answer to understand how you really feel. Explain your childhood to her and that all you ever did was find comfort in your room or in the garden. This will help her understand you better.

Deardebra :

It is hard to explain how you feel to people you love because you want to please everyone and tell them what they want to hear, but you need to be honest so they understand who you really are as a person.

Deardebra :

Your wife does not understand why you want to be by yourself because she wants to be there for you to help you.

Deardebra :

She feels that you both can get through this together and if you have to lean on her at times, she will be there for you.

Deardebra :

She feels that if you are surrounded by family, you will get better.

Deardebra :

But you feel like you need to heal alone and that is because you currently have too much pressure on you.

Deardebra :

You feel you need to be away from it all to find yourself and what you want to do in the next step of life.

Deardebra :

You go away for work and that is your time to be by yourself and get your thoughts together.

Deardebra :

But you are looking o heal further and think it is best to be on your own. Now lets look at things from your wife's point of view. She loves you and does not want to lose you.

Deardebra :

she is scared that if you spend time alone, you might not come back. She is going to miss her life, her family environment. But this is a torn situation because you feel in order to get better you need time alone.

Deardebra :

I know this is very hard, but you need to do what is best for you right now in order to get better, but I do feel that in order for things to heal. I feel you need to confront the problems. You can not spend your time pleasing everyone else because you will not have a life of your own. You can not tell people what they want to hear because you just end up unhappy. You need to be honest in how you feel.

Deardebra : If you feel it id hard to express your feeling you could write a letter to your wife explaining how you feel.
Customer:

thank you for that. it is hard to talk so a letter is a good idea. she deserves to get an answer if i can give one she would understand and i will try. it does seem that i blame a lot on my childhood, but that feels that im making excuses for how i am now. being out of my comfort zone is hard, but i need to face things and be myself. is it ok if i send you a draft of my letter? thanks again.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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