How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask psychlady Your Own Question

psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
52358615
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
psychlady is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi,I am having some relationship issues and need someone

Customer Question

Hi, I am having some relationship issues and need someone to chat with. I need to talk to someone that is not involved in the situation; not a friend of either my ex or me.


I have recently starting hanging out with my ex again and things were going great for a few months now. We talked every night and day and he would come over and hang out a few nights a week. Then things changed last week. I found out he lied to me...he told me he was at his friends last friday night but he was actually with someone else. I felt we were in a relationship...at least the begining of one. I feel that he should not be sleeping around with other people while he is telling me how much he loves me. I confronted him about this and said that it should not matter where he stays...and that we have nothing to talk about. It just breaks my heart. He made me feel that we were in a relationship...talking about marriage and that he loves me so much it hurts. Now he doesn't even care that i am upset and he doesn't want to talk about it. When two days ago...he left me a message to call him back...begging me...because i had missed 5 of his calls. I am confused, angry, and want to tell him exactly what he is. Good Idea?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
You should consider being honest about your feelings. A relationship won't survive if people are guarded about their feelings or being deceitful. Sometimes we want to spare someone's feelings or we are scared to rock the boat but in the end honesty is the best way. Everything has to be out in the open for the relationship to have the best potential for success. Don't use avoidance to handle a problem since that hinders any kind of solution. I would approach him about what is bothering you and let him know up front how he has hurt your feelings so that he has a clear perspective on what the problem is.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Your advice sounds great! I may have already missed my opportunity to talk about anything though. I needed to get a book back from him so i could study for a test at work. When I finally got a hold of him he was very rude to me...I could tell he was made. I had some things of his so we made an exchange and he came to my house. He gave me the book, asked for his things and I gave it to him, I told him 'take care of yourself' and he replied with a grunt and he drove away.


I think it is too late to be open about my feelings. I haven't tried since he left but He won't answer the phone if I were to call. Do I give him time and try and call in a few day?


I really like your idea of talking about feelings but he does not like to talk about stuff like this. In fact when I caught him lying to me he said "we don't need to talk about this" and I said "this is exactly what we need to talk about" and then he hung up. I called him that evening and he answered but was very stand offish and at the bar. he said he would call me back but after a few minutes I sent him kind of a nasty message about him not needing to call me back because i didn't have anything to say to him.


 


Is it too late to do anything? Or give him some time? I am very upset right now and want to call him but I know i shouldn't...espcially after he left today the way he did. I love him very much...

Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
Try to stay positive. He may be just what we call an avoider. They don't like to talk about anything and prefer to dance around the issue. This is difficult as the one who prefers to talk it out. Give him a few days so that he can get past his own need to avoid. You may have to stifle your own openness a little since this isn't his style. Give it a day or two and then try again. The worst that can happen is that he still needs more time.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

You may be right! I had been with that guy for 4 years and we were engaged. He called are wedding off and jumped into another relationship. Since things did not work out with the other gal, we have been off and on. But the same pattern is appearing. He will talk to me when he is feeling really bad about himself and i will help him feel better about himself and gain confidence. Then things will change, I will find out that he has been talking to one or mutliple woman at the same time. This has happened 4 or 5 time in the last year since we have called off our wedding. Everytime we talk he tells me he just wants to marry me and that he loves me. And I become confused and feel like we are in a relationship. This time I actually caught him in his lie...I have always just speculated in the past and decided to go away and do no contact for a month or so. Then we start talking again and he tells me again how he misses me and loves me. So I start to become comfortable, and then another girl comes back and he pushes me away again. I have never been able to talk to him about this situation, because I have never caught him before. He can not talk his way out of this one.


I had to tell you all of this because, I need you to know everything to better give me advice. I know everything that this man has done and I still love him. Is there something wrong with me? And now after hearing everything should I call him in a few days or just let this be the end, even though nothing was said in our last conversation? Keep in mind two days ago, he ended our nightly conversation with I love you. And now he won't answer the phone...also I have a good feeling he went home with another woman last night as well.


What do you think?


 

Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
There is nothing with you except being head over heels in love with a guy who can't be faithful. As hard as it is to hear, the best predictor of the future is the past. Consider that you are trying to plan a future with someone who doesn't value relationships in the present. He has to value your relationship before he can commit to it. He has shown you that his needs come first. That is a huge red flag. You should want for yourself all of someone. Not someone who is capable of treating you so carelessly. You have to want the best for yourself. Ask yourself why you are willing to settle and that is a large part of the problem. When you realize that he isn't committed but simply using people in his life then you can make clearer decisions. You need to find the strength to decide what you want but don't create something he isn't. He can only commit to the true self that he is.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

That is really great advice. I am on the same page as you as far as i need to leave him in the past. But I still have a strong desire to let him know how he hurt me...cool and calm of course. My counselor has always told me that if you want to call or send a letter than do it. Should I still try and call him in a few days?


I feel that I am done fighting for him...I have put of a five yr battle and I finally realize that he is simply not worth it. He knows that I am an incredible catch...he has told me several times. But my heart is the only thing still holding on to him. Even though right now, I would do anything to talk to him the way i did two days ago. I know i will only get hurt, he is a very selfish man who only cares about himself! I know that he has mutilple girls waiting for him to call.


I guess for a long time i took that as an accomplishment. I mean, this guy chose me to marry...well he proposed anyway. But now I look at how sad his life really is. He relies on others to fell self worth. And I feel he continues to keep me there because he wants his back up plan...Which makes me feel really terible and pathetic...I'm nothing more than a back up plan for him. :(


The thing that worries me is everytime i have gone away and began to let go, he pulls me back in, with his lines... I am terrified that i will end up right back where I am today in a months time. I can't seem to find the strength to walk away for good. for some reason I am so loyal to him. And that really bothers me the most. Any advice?

Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
You are right about everything but accept the fact that he is what he is. Use one more communication as a way to have closure. Don't imagine that there is a future with him. Just say what you have to say and move on. Sometimes we place what we want the relationship to be on to something it isn't. He won't change. So gather your thoughts and use the next conversation as a way to let go. When you envision that things will change you give yourself false hope. Gather your thoughts and cover only that in your talk. Don't let him persuade you with false promises. When you stand your ground you have a better chance of allowing him to promise you of things that won't be
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
Was inquiring about your situation?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well...I have yet to get the closer I want from my ex. I have talked to him since we talked last but I can not get him to talk about anything serious. So I believe I am going to have to walk away without the closure and after fighting for five years to be with the man I love I think it's time to walk away!
Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
3587 Satisfied Customers
I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues