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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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If your long term relationship has went south for lots of reasons

Resolved Question:

If your long term relationship has went south for lots of reasons on both partners faults anf you try to talk with you partner to work through problems but they only have neagative responses how can you get to a positive place?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

If a partner is being negative and unwilling to work through problems then that is unfortunate because it does take the two people involved in order for the relationship to work. It is impossible for the relationship to be healthy with only one person trying. A negative outlook would prevent one from fixing things that otherwise may have been fixed. However, this does not mean that we can not be positive within ourselves. We can certainly get to a positive place and can do this by taking care of us and surrounding ourselves around positive people and things. It would be up to the person that wants to be positive to decide if they want to stay in the relationship knowing this. Depending on details of the relationship they may want to try to encourage the other to be more positive and talk with them without judging, blaming, or pointing fingers since that can help the other to be more open and less defensive therefore the outcome can be more positive.

Not allowing others negativity affect us also helps us stay positive. We must look at life with a good outlook always thinking for the best while not worrying. Worry keeps us down and does not change the outcome. We have the power to allow how others affect us, but when they are our partner it would be difficult to keep a positive relationship even though we can be positive within ourselves. Sometimes we can do our part, but it will not change them since they need to want it themselves. In this case one may want to remove that negativity, but is really up to the person involved.

There is a belief called Pygmalion theory. It is the belief that the more positive we think the more positive our actions will be and therefore our outcomes are more likely to be positive.

Your question was general, so please let me known if you are looking for anything more specific and if I can help further in anyway. I wish you the very best.

Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I value your input and feedback;however it is nothing that I have not already explored and engage in daily. With our relationship that is a deep love but the both of us have strayed all while managing to stay together this far...going on 12 years. The big issue is tht my partner judges that my wrong doings were at a higher level so to speak and even though I truly forgave they cant seem too...they repeatly say they are trying but become more neagtive each day and more manipulative with the way my wrong was far different thn theirs..whn in my mind...wrong is wrong...I am so desperate for a solytion thus the reason of reaching out to your service.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for explaining for me to understand better. I just want to be sure I understand. Are you saying they feel your wrong is worse than theirs?
Also, do they have trouble getting past your wrong even though they forgave you? Do they constantly bring up the past mistakes even though you are not repeating them?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yes to all of ur questions...

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I understand and this can be very difficult. If both people did wrong and want to forgive one another than it is important for both to forgive and move on. However, things will not change overnight it will take time to show one another that true change occurred. Your partner may feel skeptical about your change just as you should feel about theirs because after we change we need to prove ourselves different. Since you both made mistakes then it is important for both of you to show the change. Lots of negativity could cause people to have a negative outlook on the future. However, if your partner continues to bring it up and does not allow you yo outlive the past then that is a problem. Also, yes mistakes are mistakes, but there are differences. For example if one spoke in a rude manner and the other cheated there is a difference to this and would need to be dealt with differently. For example the cheater would need to prove their trust whereas the person who spoke rude can apologize and not do it again. The cheater broke the trust whereas the one that spoke rude was disrespectful, but did not break the trust in that manner, so I do believe yes wrong is wrong, but there are levels and it needs to be worked on differently.

I would try to understand your partners side of it in order to see their view. Explain how since you were forgiven you would like to show the change and can not if the past is brought up all the time. Let your partner know that you understand how it is difficult to get past the mistakes and you do apologize, but are willing to now prove you are different. Try not to compare one another's mistakes. Try asking your partner questions such as why your mistakes are worse? Ask how can you make it up? This will give you a better understanding as to why your partner feels this way and help you both work together on this. Also, explain how you understand the past needs to be looked at to help understand the future, but you truly want this relationship to work out and would like to be able to start fresh since you both forgave one another. It sounds like your partner wants to see action, but if you see in time this does not change then the problem may be in your partner. All you can do right now is action. Show through your actions you are different. Let your partner prove themselves different as well, but try not to compare since that will not help and just feed into your partner's behavior.Maybe after another talk try not even discussing this any longer. Do your part and show through actions rather than words. This can help prove your changes and your partner should follow your lead naturally.

I hope this was helpful and please let me know if I can help further.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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