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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My common law wife asked me to leave our house after 6 months

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My common law wife asked me to leave our house after 6 months living together. We've been together for 4 years in the most emotionally intimate relationship of both our lives. We were'nt mad about it either, I was'nt anyway. I thought and believed her about finding a solution. She had a 21 yr old son who in my mind is mellow dramatic, narcissistic, sociopath, hes even labeled himself with those very words. very abussive to his mother. Needless to say, she chose him over me when I said it just wouldnt work with him at home, Ive lived through abuse, was a co-dependent, got two years of counciling and am healthy after a lot of work. Ive been letting her know how I feel about this for 3 months. preveously he was'nt my problem I was just helping her with hers, when we moved in together it became my problem.

Just before new years, he had a major blow out, I couldnt even address it with him because it would have become violent. I told her to calm him down, he was very abusive to her verbally. Then she came back to bed I said I just couldnt live this way, he needs help and if he doesnt get it he needs to leave.

Two days later she asked me to leave and we would find a way to work our relationship out, not suggesting he move out though. Eight days later and her keeping away from me ( I moved all my cloths out by then and went to live in my business location), she wrote me a text.

"Hi Peter. Hope all is well with you. I met someone for dinner last weekend and plan on seeing him again. I now know that you and I are not meant to be together. I wish you happiness and success".-Liz

I havent talked with her in 3 days, no word.

What is that all about, Im really trying to fiqure it out. I know she loves me big time and I feel the same.

give me some insight please.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have no confirmaqtion that see had met someone before, its just that she acted real wierd about a few things and at this point just an assumption on my part. Im thinking she met someone as a friend prior to this and he empathized with her feeding her emotions and need for attention.


Based on all I know about her, this seems like a real shift in her behaviour and discussions we've had over the years. However she is quite insecure (I have not ever intentionally led her to this, or even discussed ever leaving her) and always required a great deal of attention, I was happy to give that to her when things were normal, however I backed off when she didnt really address the situation over the past few months.


 


Is she trying to make me jealous??!! Im planning a 30 day not contact with her and see what happens. She has broken off twice before with me in our first two years together, always wanting me back.


 


I really still want to be with her if we can work things out. She is completely aware of how much I love her and committed, devoted to her.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Ive told her face to face as well in a very long 10 page letter that Im


willing and committed to working it out, after that she got even more flaky. I really dont know how she feels, she has not opened up in any way with me.


 


Didnt get much out of your reply really,


 


she hasnt ever tried to make me jealous in any way before, however she has been jealous of me. Shes told me, not that I ever have been the type, that I could get any woman I wanted, even gay guys love me. flattering, however Ive only had eyes for her since we met and she should know that.


 


She hasnt asked me to get some remaining things I have at the house and she hasnt talked about money, no closure there and I would think that would be on her mind if she truly didnt want me, I have not approached the subjects either.


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I cant express to you enough how beautiful, caring, trusting, emotionally intense, intimate relationship we've had, and she has expressed that often to everyone she knows (even over the holidays she expressed that to me). weve been there in everyway for each other since the beginning 4 years ago.


Is this in your opinion not out of character for someone who absoulutly felt that cheating was just not acceptable and cowardly, her ex cheated on her and deeply scared her for life. shes 50 years old, Im 53.


 


Not looking for answers youre not able to say, however your replys are no deeper than my buddy, and it sure doesnt sould real professional....


 


what else could I tell you to better assess the situation? its just not rational!!


 


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
no real depth there
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


thank you so much for your response. This is concise, rational and enlighting information, I appreciate you giving it this much thought and explaining the complexity. My heart has slowed down 40 beats per minute since reading this.


 


Im not sure what I will do next. I did let her know I would willingly work with her on helping both of them and me in the end. I have worked with her on a plan for the past few years. Once we were together full time we discussed the same path, however he kept circumventing me and she continued to fall into his traps. He in itself is not the worst of my dilema, I told her she was because she kept getting off the plan. Thats when the trouble started, I lost my respect for her because she chose abuse rather than the unconditional love we shared, and I mean that , in every other way it was unconditional between both of us. We both came out of very Nassisstic marriages, I went for counseling for two years, she didnt, and it is still a problem for her since shes still a codependant.


 


Tell me why though she has thrown him out previously 3-4 times (shes let him back each time after hes got into trouble or could fend for himself), recognises the problem, is completely frustrated


 


As you know, once respect is lost, intimacy declines and I could not support her emotionally, attentively or intimately like I did before. Im sure she felt that as well. Thats where the other guy came in obviously! He fed here what she needed.


 


I really should have tried harder perhaps but the cycle just kept repeating itself. then she started commenting on me and I at times I felt insecure and withdrew further. This was a clear sign to me that I was not being true to myself and my emotional health, so I had to stand up for my emotional well being. I am so sad, what to do now.


 


I have felt so relieved emotionally about not being in that house hold since I left the house, he made my hair stand up just pulling into the driveway, I never new if there would be peace or termoil day to day, minute to minute.


 


Not being with my wife is very hard to take, and I would like to find some resolve to healing that, not sure how to go about reconciling with her though.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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