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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1420
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My common law wife asked me to leave our house after 6 months

Customer Question

My common law wife asked me to leave our house after 6 months living together. We've been together for 4 years in the most emotionally intimate relationship of both our lives. We were'nt mad about it either, I was'nt anyway. I thought and believed her about finding a solution. She had a 21 yr old son who in my mind is mellow dramatic, narcissistic, sociopath, hes even labeled himself with those very words. very abussive to his mother. Needless to say, she chose him over me when I said it just wouldnt work with him at home, Ive lived through abuse, was a co-dependent, got two years of counciling and am healthy after a lot of work. Ive been letting her know how I feel about this for 3 months. preveously he was'nt my problem I was just helping her with hers, when we moved in together it became my problem.

Just before new years, he had a major blow out, I couldnt even address it with him because it would have become violent. I told her to calm him down, he was very abusive to her verbally. Then she came back to bed I said I just couldnt live this way, he needs help and if he doesnt get it he needs to leave.

Two days later she asked me to leave and we would find a way to work our relationship out, not suggesting he move out though. Eight days later and her keeping away from me ( I moved all my cloths out by then and went to live in my business location), she wrote me a text.

"Hi Peter. Hope all is well with you. I met someone for dinner last weekend and plan on seeing him again. I now know that you and I are not meant to be together. I wish you happiness and success".-Liz

I havent talked with her in 3 days, no word.

What is that all about, Im really trying to fiqure it out. I know she loves me big time and I feel the same.

give me some insight please.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

It seems as though this new person was not a surprise to you and you pretty much had the feeling. It is difficult to say what she means by this, but by the sounds of it seems as though she now realized you both are not meant to be. If it was so sudden that would be more confusing, but based on your response to her it seems like you know she was interested in another and things were not right between the both of you even before. Plus she asked you to leave and did not contact you. These are all not good signs. She may very well love you deep within, but may not be happy about the way things have been between you both. Also, she seems to be there for her son regardless of what he does rather than trying to teach him by being stricter. This could be a reason why she also made this decision because it may have been very stressful for her since she wants to do what she wants in regards to her son.

From here there is not a whole lot of you can do. You have told her how you felt and tried to make it work. The ball is in her court. I do think it is sudden, but I would think about if it was a healthy situation for you or not. If you want her back you can try to write her a letter explaining everything you feel and think without judging or blaming, but showing you want to be with her and make it work. This will give her time to dwell on the letter as well as not be able to interrupt you. With this you can also perfect it before sending.

Overall, like I said if she is going through with this then it may be time to let her go and take care of you. If she is serious about being together than she may come back and at that point you can reevaluate your situation at that time to see if you still want that. However, in the meantime you will be taking care of yourself. This will make it easier to cope with the situation as well as put you n a better position if she were to come back.

Please let me know if I can help further I wish you all the best.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I have no confirmaqtion that see had met someone before, its just that she acted real wierd about a few things and at this point just an assumption on my part. Im thinking she met someone as a friend prior to this and he empathized with her feeding her emotions and need for attention.

Based on all I know about her, this seems like a real shift in her behaviour and discussions we've had over the years. However she is quite insecure (I have not ever intentionally led her to this, or even discussed ever leaving her) and always required a great deal of attention, I was happy to give that to her when things were normal, however I backed off when she didnt really address the situation over the past few months.


Is she trying to make me jealous??!! Im planning a 30 day not contact with her and see what happens. She has broken off twice before with me in our first two years together, always wanting me back.


I really still want to be with her if we can work things out. She is completely aware of how much I love her and committed, devoted to her.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
I understand and I think that is a good plan. Based on what you explained she may be very well trying to make you jealous. Since this has happened before then there is a good chance that she will come back this time. If you really want to be with her then the best thing to do is continue doing your part as you have. The 30 day no contact is good because she will see that she can lose you. This may scare her and cause her to not take your forgranted and do her part as well.

I hope it works out. Please feel free to follow up with me even after rating me. I will be here for you!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Ive told her face to face as well in a very long 10 page letter that Im

willing and committed to working it out, after that she got even more flaky. I really dont know how she feels, she has not opened up in any way with me.


Didnt get much out of your reply really,


she hasnt ever tried to make me jealous in any way before, however she has been jealous of me. Shes told me, not that I ever have been the type, that I could get any woman I wanted, even gay guys love me. flattering, however Ive only had eyes for her since we met and she should know that.


She hasnt asked me to get some remaining things I have at the house and she hasnt talked about money, no closure there and I would think that would be on her mind if she truly didnt want me, I have not approached the subjects either.


Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Peter, no one knows why she did what she did nor how she is feeling or why she is doing what she does. She can be trying to get you jealous or your attention, but it can also be that she is done with the relationship. No one knows what she feels or is thinking. We can only assume things based on our experience and the facts we know. Since I do not know all the details of the problems in your relationship it is difficult to say, but based on what you explained it seems that she is under a lot of stress with her son and for unknown reasons to me she felt you both needed time to work things out and now she is dating someone. Based on the past history of the relationship she may miss you and come back to you, but at this point you have truly done your part to let her know how you feel. If she is unwilling to continue then all you have left is the no contact. I wish I had better answers for you, but I am giving you my honest opinion and hope you can appreciate that. I truly wish you the best, but please let me know if I can help further.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I cant express to you enough how beautiful, caring, trusting, emotionally intense, intimate relationship we've had, and she has expressed that often to everyone she knows (even over the holidays she expressed that to me). weve been there in everyway for each other since the beginning 4 years ago.

Is this in your opinion not out of character for someone who absoulutly felt that cheating was just not acceptable and cowardly, her ex cheated on her and deeply scared her for life. shes 50 years old, Im 53.


Not looking for answers youre not able to say, however your replys are no deeper than my buddy, and it sure doesnt sould real professional....


what else could I tell you to better assess the situation? its just not rational!!



Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
It really does sound out of character for her if you have had this type of relationship and I can not say why this is. There really can be many reasons as to why she is doing this. Since I do not have answers from her it is really difficult to give you a better analysis or advice. I am sorry I could not help you better and I would be more than happy to opt out of here, so another expert can answer and hopefully help you better.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
no real depth there
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. Perhaps I can help a bit. I understand your need for closure and solid, rational answers. Sometimes, there aren't any and what you think is going on, really isn't. There are many cases where people have been together for more than 10 years and one person shocks the other by some revelation or leaves with no warning to the other person, leaving the other person devastated and at a loss. The fact is, there may not be a rational answer or one which makes sense to you. Based on the information I read, my opinion is that the issue with her son has been something that has been irritating her for some time. Regardless of how you view her son as a person, even if he labeled himself with some non flattering words on his own, there is no doubt that a mother will always choose her son over her lover. Always. While her behavior seems out of the blue to you, I guarantee you that she has been thinking of ending this with you for awhile based on the rift that her son has been causing. You have been living together for 6 months and you say you have been expressing your feelings about her son for 3 of those months. While she may have been passive with you to your face, the stress of knowing she would be faced with making a choice is something that has been weighing on her for that length of time.
You had mentioned that she is insecure. An insecure person acts exactly how she has. An insecure person is never alone and always needs someone to be there for support, as they are not confident enough on their own. I would guess that she had a male friend who she spoke to about all of this and her issues with you and her son. This friend most likely told her things that she wanted to hear and that you are not the right person for her if you cannot accept her son and that she shouldn't be with someone who can't accept her son, etc. These are all things which would have triggered her behavior.
You specifically told her that you knew all along this was going on, even though you then told the previous Expert that this was something you were not 100% certain of and just told her that to protect your own emotions. This text that you sent her made things much worse as you verified to her that you also knew that the relationship was not going to last. You let her off the hook with sending this message.
You also stated that her behavior should not have included cheating because she was cheated on and should view cheating as unacceptable. I fail to see where she cheated on you. Did I miss something there? She did not cheat. She acted perfectly rational as an insecure person who was with someone who did not approve of her son.
While you view your relationship as being amazing and intense, I'm sure she did at some point as well, but these feelings are easily negated by you not approving of her son's behavior. I'm not saying that her son isn't as you say. He sounds like a person who needs a lot of help and does not treat his mother with any respect at all, that is neither here nor there and it certain;y does not matter to her. Her son could be in jail for a number of horrible things and she would still defend him and chose blood over a lover.
So, although you do not find any of this rational from your point of view, it makes absolute, perfect sense to me that she would do these things.
While it is possible that she may come back to you, I don't think that things will ever be able to go back to the way you remember it was in the beginning. If that is to happen, there would be a lot of work to be done as far as rebuilding trust and respect, as well as setting boundaries about her son and that situation. I don't think she will take kindly to anyone being negative towards her son, whether justified or not. Insecurity, paired with being a mother and having a past where people hurt her, most certainly equals finding someone to tell her what she needs to hear and to seem to fulfill her needs at this time. I would bet that this new guy will also be thrown to the side as soon as he gets too involved in her situation and she finds someone new who will give her what she needs for the time being.
Do the 30 day no contact system and see if she does respond to you. If she does you both have a lot of things to be talked about and worked through in an open and honest way, if you hope to have another go at this relationship.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thank you so much for your response. This is concise, rational and enlighting information, I appreciate you giving it this much thought and explaining the complexity. My heart has slowed down 40 beats per minute since reading this.


Im not sure what I will do next. I did let her know I would willingly work with her on helping both of them and me in the end. I have worked with her on a plan for the past few years. Once we were together full time we discussed the same path, however he kept circumventing me and she continued to fall into his traps. He in itself is not the worst of my dilema, I told her she was because she kept getting off the plan. Thats when the trouble started, I lost my respect for her because she chose abuse rather than the unconditional love we shared, and I mean that , in every other way it was unconditional between both of us. We both came out of very Nassisstic marriages, I went for counseling for two years, she didnt, and it is still a problem for her since shes still a codependant.


Tell me why though she has thrown him out previously 3-4 times (shes let him back each time after hes got into trouble or could fend for himself), recognises the problem, is completely frustrated


As you know, once respect is lost, intimacy declines and I could not support her emotionally, attentively or intimately like I did before. Im sure she felt that as well. Thats where the other guy came in obviously! He fed here what she needed.


I really should have tried harder perhaps but the cycle just kept repeating itself. then she started commenting on me and I at times I felt insecure and withdrew further. This was a clear sign to me that I was not being true to myself and my emotional health, so I had to stand up for my emotional well being. I am so sad, what to do now.


I have felt so relieved emotionally about not being in that house hold since I left the house, he made my hair stand up just pulling into the driveway, I never new if there would be peace or termoil day to day, minute to minute.


Not being with my wife is very hard to take, and I would like to find some resolve to healing that, not sure how to go about reconciling with her though.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I understand how frustrating it is, especially when things seem so clear to you, you have been through counseling and looked at things from a different perspective. It is stressful when you are with someone who cannot or will not do the same. The answer is, you cannot 'fix' her, she has to fix her, just as you sought out help for your issues in the past. The reasons for her kicking out her son is like anything else. We get into cycles of things, it gets to the breaking point, we explode, things calm down, we fall back into the same traps, it begins again. This is the story with her and all relationships in her life. She chooses to allow the cycle to continue because it is 'safe' for her and this is her comfort zone.
I know watching this from the outside is difficult for you. You definitely have your hands tied and I think you know this. At the same time, you also said a lot with your last few lines about having some sense of stress removed from your life. This shows the point of which you were both at, regardless who was to blame, the truth is, you are both to blame.
What you need to do now is first get to the point of where you can both have a meaningful conversation or communication. You have to think about if you only get to speak to her one more time, what will you say. Think about it carefully. Write it down if you need to help your mind go through the process. Say things to draw her in, not to push her away. While you may feel she is to blame about this or that, don't put her in that place. Say things like WE and US and ME. Try to keep the YOU to a minimum. The goal is to get her to talk objectively about what happened, what can be done and if there is a future. Try not to think about the other guy, if there is one or not and what level of relationship they have. This is between you and her and finding closure at the very least. If you can get an open dialog started with her, you get your foot back in the door to move to the next step(s). You have already been here with her before, talking about the future and the plans. You know she doesn't stick to plans. Take these lessons and decide how to proceed, but again, step 1- get a conversation and make it mean everything. Make it lead to a second conversation ,etc. That is your plan right now. Think it through as well as you can.

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