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Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I was wkened by my husband masturbating i was shocked and feel

Resolved Question:

I was wkened by my husband masturbating i was shocked and feel off him now how do i overcome
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 1 year ago.

Cathy :

Hi, are you there?

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing

Cathy :

Sorry to hear about your story

Cathy :

can you tell me what put you off?

Customer:

the idea he was masturbating and i was asleep

Cathy :

Okay I understand and this was the first time this happened? How long have you been married?

Customer:

yip 23yrs

Cathy :

Okay

Cathy :

so can you identify what disturbed you? Is it that he was self stimulating to become aroused without you?

Customer:

yes i think so

Cathy :

Yea

Cathy :

okay I understand

Cathy :

I do not know if this will help you or not, but this is fairly common

Cathy :

and it happens quite a bit

Cathy :

albeit more often with men than women

Cathy :

I know that probably does not give you comfort

Customer:

no help

Cathy :

okay so help me to help you

Cathy :

do you feel betrayed?

Customer:

i feel insulted

Cathy :

okay I understand

Cathy :

why do you feel insulted? because he sexually stimulated without you? or because he sexually stimulated? there is a difference

Cathy :

Here is the thing

Customer:

2nd one

Cathy :

okay there ya go

Cathy :

its okay

Cathy :

You know we all have the ability to self stimulate and that really has not much to do with love

Cathy :

did you know this?

Customer:

yip

Cathy :

sometimes and actually more often than not sex is not about love

Cathy :

so you know that you can masturbate as well

Cathy :

so

Cathy :

even though he might love you endlessly and he probably does

Cathy :

he chose to get stimulated

Cathy :

and he never thought you would wake up and discover him so

Cathy :

maybe he loves you so he did not wish to wake you up?

Cathy :

lots of reasons here

Customer:

okay okay i would not masturbate with him sleeping next to me

Cathy :

OKAY

Cathy :

I get it and we women do not do that, but men do and they do it often

Customer:

Nope i call it selfish act not considering i could waken

Cathy :

I am sorry that you woke up

Cathy :

but here is the thing

Cathy :

sex is different than love

Cathy :

do you think he no longer loves you?

Customer:

nope

Cathy :

oh no, you think he no longer loves you?

Cathy :

really?

Cathy :

if so then there are other problems

Customer:

no!!! i mean i know he loves me

Cathy :

how long since you two made love together?

Cathy :

okay good

Cathy :

whew

Cathy :

when he makes love to you is he tender and kind?

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

okay so you know he loves you and he is a kind lover

Cathy :

right?

Customer:

How do i get passed it

Cathy :

It is a choice

Cathy :

you either decide to get past it or not

Cathy :

I think you have a husband who loves you and makes love to you tenderly

Cathy :

and is not out making love to other women, cheating on you

Cathy :

and he decided to "self stimulate" one night in bed

Cathy :

and it is up to you

Cathy :

I think most women would die to be in your position

Cathy :

and frankly lots of men m masturbate in happy marriages

Customer:

well we are not all the same it has affected how i feel

Cathy :

most do that in the shower

Cathy :

Can you figure out what part of you is not accepting this?

Cathy :

something in your past?

Cathy :

something in your beliefs?

Customer:

thanks obviously there is no answer .idon't know he could have got up !!!

Cathy :

okay let me ask you a few more questions please?

Cathy :

does your husband ever eat food from a restaurant? not food that you prepared?

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

okay and do you feel badly if he enjoys his meal?

Customer:

no

Cathy :

does he ever drink water outside of your home?

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

from a bubbler or a water bottle?

Cathy :

okay

Customer:

water bottle

Cathy :

and does he ever go to a movie or theater and enjoy entertainment?

Cathy :

or a club?

Customer:

not without me his choice

Cathy :

does he laugh at things others say, not you?

Cathy :

well there ya go

Cathy :

I think the issue is with what you think he can do and not do without you.

Customer:

no he laughs when things are funny no matter who

Cathy :

okay good

Cathy :

he laughs when things are funny no matter who

Cathy :

so you see

Cathy :

he is part of you but not all of you and this is the hard part

Cathy :

but his sexuality is him, just like breathing or drinking water and laughing

Cathy :

but we women

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

we women we think our mens sexuality is all about us

Cathy :

and it is not

Cathy :

so you have to think about this a bit

Cathy :

you have to take some time and think about it

Customer:

idon't think that i know it is natural, but he could do it by himself , got up from the bedroom. not just think ah she 's asleep !!!

Cathy :

I so get it. I wish he got up and went to the bathroom too. SO GET IT.

Cathy :

but still it is natural

Cathy :

Did you poke him? when he was doing this? I would have

Customer:

he says himself it was selfish of him too when i was sleeping . Thanks but i still feel weird about it . Guess i will have to "so get it" like you say

Cathy :

Okay so here is my recommendation, give it thirty days and see how you feel then?

Cathy :

and absolutely give him hell for it

Cathy :

absolutely give him all heck and back

Customer:

I was soo tired couldn't open my eyes you like they are stuck .I guess ididn't want to embarress him at the time but had to tell him i knew , he didn't think about embarressing me at the time . Hey i know men can only do one thing at a time !!!!excuse the punt

Cathy :

LOL

Cathy :

You are so funny

Cathy :

I know this hurts you and I wish, so wish I could offer words of more comfort

Cathy :

but to be frank

Cathy :

I have seen this a lot in my practice and it just takes time to get over this

Cathy :

at the sametime

Cathy :

I am so grateful that you are sensitive and understanding and that he was in YOUR bed when he did this

Cathy :

give him heck GIRL

Cathy :

just give him All HECK

Customer:

thanks ,helped just talking to you cathy.

Cathy :

he owes you dishes, gardening, raking, shoveling, laundry

Cathy :

he so owes you

Cathy :

and I am so glad he loves you so so much.

Cathy :

you take care

Customer:

lol starting tonite . thanks

Cathy :

Night girl,and take good care of you.

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Cathy
Cathy
243 Satisfied Customers
Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice