Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.
Thanks Eleanor :)
I can certainly understand your being confused. I have been practicing Couples Therapy for 20 years in addition to individual psychotherapy and am pleased to help you. Do you mind answering a few questions for me?
Please go ahead :)I've tried everything and am altenating between frustrated and downright upset, so I'll be glad for any advice
Thanks. How old are you and he? I see you are in India; is this your nationality? What did you think of him when you met, were you attracted to him?
I'm 20, he's 22. I'm Indian, and live here, yes. And yes, I was. I've always been intellectually drawn to him - he's incredibly smart and witty and has a way of putting me at ease that was such a change after my last exhausting relationship.
But meeting him in person did add a physical aspect to it, yeah
Thanks for the information. And did he seem relaxed with you before he said he had to leave?
He'd been a little shifty, and was quite apologetic about the fact that our plans had been messed up and kept telling me we should reschedule(fat chance, we live on opposite sides of the country) as I was leaving. Until that point, things had been good, though.
This is a hard question, but have you considered the possibility that he may be married?
He isn't. I'm certain of that, the friend we have in common is very close to both of us, and she'd been actively encouraging it. So unless he's married without any of his friends knowing, I don't think that's an option.
Very Good! Just wanted to make sure. And he wanted to share some news with you but you declined?
He wanted to share it with me, but only if I was absolutely "tearing to know" I know him well enough, to realize he didn't want to talk about it right then, so I said tell me when you're comfortable
It's been 2 weeks since then, though
and he's normal with almost everybody, so I can't imagine it was an emergency of any sort
I understand. Good friends share initimate details of their lives with one another. Perhaps it's time to ask him, what do you think?
I've tried again, he avoids the question entirely
It's like any mention of our ever having met was taboo
which is confusing, because he expressed interest repeatedly and now it's like talking to me is a an absolute chore
which is hurtful, if nothing else.
Very strange indeed. Do you know anything about his family?
And hurtful as well!
His dad's a consultant, brother is at business school, mother used to run a nursery. Fairly chilled out lot, by all accounts
If this helps in any way, he's very vague about answering questions that are personal Like he won't even tell me his friend's name, he'll just say "my Bengali friend" or "my friend from there" or some such
I can't understand it at all
Sounds like a pretty normal family. Are the friends he refers to online friends?
No, friends he's known from being a debater, or college or high school
Basically, solid people he knows and spends time with
Very, very odd. Do you think he may be gay?
That was my worst-case option. That meeting me somehow lead to that realization, but I don't think that's the case either. Certainly never got that option, and I could feel he was attracted to me when we met
Well, it is certainly a possibility. Do you know if he has had girlfriends in the past?
I don't know of them, but my common friend did say he'd been fairly popular with the ladies in the circles they moved in.
Popular being a loose term for...casual hookups, I think
Okay, let me make a suggestion. You say you miss your "friend." I would approach him as a friend.
Tell him that you miss the friendship and want to be close like you were before you met.
Then tell him that he can tell you anything and you will still be his friend. And ask that he tell you what is going on.
I'm terrified of coming across as clingy or something. Because I'm not. I just hate this state of flux
Haha, that seems the only option
That or he found me incredibly unattractive and is too polite to say it
I don't think you will come across clingy if you approach him as a friend. Yes, you cannot continue in this state of flux. And you can tell him that.
I doubt if he found you unattractive; he told you how good you looked and I assume he had seen picture of you before.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX needed a vent likely :)This little episode has completely f**ked with my self-esteem again
Haha, he has. But everybody has their preferences
Not to sound like a braggart, but I've always been one of the more conventionally attractive people where I've gone, so if that is it, I'm confused
but each to their own, I suppose
Try not to let this damage your self-esteem. I can almost guarantee you that this is about him, not about you!
I hope it is :(For all our bad rep, men are much more complicated than women
Unfortunately this is one of the dangers of an online relationship. I hope things work out with him, but if not you may want to make friends in person for a while.
Thank you very much, Eleanor. :)Yeah, that seems like a good idea.
You are very welcome, my pleasure.
this has accidentally
given you bad rep
can I reverse it?
That's okay, yes, you can rate again, hopefully, Excellent, Thanks!