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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I made a mistake. My boyfriend is jealous of my part-time

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I made a mistake. My boyfriend is jealous of my part-time boss who is younger than him and he thinks I like this boss, but I don't. He lives out of the state and we catch up when he is in town. Its typical to go to lunch with a business partner. So, I told my boyfriend he was in town and we were catching up while he was in town. Well, the next day, my boss asked to go to lunch and I say ok.. However, I didn't tell my boyfriend because I knew he would flip and I didn't want to hear his mouth about it. Well, he found out before I went and he called me out. Well, I canceled lunch with him and my boyfriend and I talked after and he was saying how he didn't want our relationship damaged, and that he see's I won't be straight up with him, and this boss just wants to get in my pants, and he could see the writing on the wall. But I am not interested in this guy like that. Well, my boyfriend didn't call me for days. I called him on Christmas eve and we talked shortly. He just asked me questions and said well I hope your food turns out ok. Well It's been 11 days since then and he hasn't called. I haven't contacted him either. And I'm wondering if he has broken up with me? I keep saying in my mind that he will call, but I fear I just need to settle in my mind that he has moved on. I know I made a mistake. I just didn't want to hear his accusations that I like this guy, and I know I should have just declined the extra lunch. Thoughts?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. Your boyfriend has obvious insecurity problems and that is a major red flag in any relationship. Regardless of if he is upset about your boss or any other person, the issue will always remain. If it wasn't your boss, he would probably be upset about a co worker or someone in the future. This is his problem to deal with and his alone. While you did make a mistake by not telling him you were going to lunch, the fact remains that one behavior in a relationship always fores the other person to change their behavior and this will go on and on until it builds up into something which could have just been taken care of in the beginning, before it became a big deal.
Your boyfriend needs to come to terms with the fact that he either trusts you or he doesn't. It does not matter if your boss wants to get in your pants or not, he should trust you and that is what this is about. What does he expect you to do, quit your job? Not go on business lunches ? He should not put you int the position where you feel you have to lie to him or make you uncomfortable in any way.
I am not certain if he has broken up with you or not, he is probably still upset about the situation and is expecting you to act in some way. He may not even be certain as to what he wants you to do to make it up to him. If he did or did not break up with you, you need to look at the relationship as a whole and where it is going if he cannot trust you. You can't go on walking on egg shells around him all the time. He should be secure in himself and you where this should not be an issue at all. Is this the type of relationship you want to be in?
If you have avoided events where you may see him, what does this tell you about how you really feel about the relationship?
I can't tell you what to do or not do, all I can do is get you to look at the reality of the situation and determine if this is the right situation for you to be in. In my opinion, you need to be with someone who trusts you with no doubt and is secure in himself. Jealousy can lead to some very ugly problems. Be careful with this type of behavior.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hmm. I can agree about the trust & insecurity issue. My thoughts keep turning over and over again on if i should relax and expect he'll want to talk about it eventually, or if i should conclude this is a breakup... I want closure, i feel in limbo, but i already extended myself and called on Christmas Eve, and my pride refuses to chase him. On that day he called me out, i admitted i was wrong and apologized. Should i reach out again or give him time? Or just grieve this as a loss? at what point should i conclude, it's just over. In a week? I can't stop thinking about the unknown. A couple of times in the past he'd be upset and would go silent for a little and would bounce back wanting to talk about it, but never for this long.... Suggestions? Thank you
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I understand your need for closure and you should approach it as just that. You can call him if you feel comfortable doing so and ask him if this is over or if he wants to talk about it. If he wants to talk through it, that's fine, but the end result should be that you stand up for yourself and that he needs to learn trust. He has communication issues as well if he gives you the silent treatment, stews about it awhile and then comes at you with whatever his mind processed in that time. You should not chase him, but if you want to know what he is thinking about the relationship, by all means, ask him. Be blunt, be honest and above all else, don't let him tell you how to act in a relationship if you are not doing anything to betray him. How much time you wait is up to you as well. These types of things have no rules, it's more of a gut feeling type of thing. Give him some time, but not until it makes you crazy!
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1381
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige
Psychologist
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Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist