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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I am 49, as is my girlfriend. We have been dating for 4 1/2

Customer Question

I am 49, as is my girlfriend. We have been dating for 4 1/2 years, living together for 3 years. I just found out she has been having a 3 year emotional affair with a man she met a year before I met her. He lives in Texas right now, but has just gotten a job in our city, (he's a football coach). I caught the affair, all phone conversations, ( over 20 hours of conversation in 2011 and about 10 hours in 2012). He was not returning her calls for the last 6 months of 2012. She says she has now realized that I am all she needs and will never contact him again. I would appreciate your advice on my next steps with her.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 2 years ago.
Hi Scott, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened, this sounds like a strange situation in that you have been aware of it all for quite some time, is that correct? Please do say if I have misunderstood any part of what you have written, as its important to me to get my response right for you.

I'm of the understanding that you are hoping to reconsider your stance with her, she has decided that it is with you that she wants to be and she will no longer contact this other guy. It feels like a hard pill to swallow and you guys have done a lot of talking.

Based on the assumption that you want to move forward with her, the next steps may be to reaffirm where and how your relationship stands at this point. You may want to re-establish new boundaries and think through together what it is that you can both work together on - does that make sense? For example, she may have left you feeling quite distrusting of her and her actions to date, how could you put new trust in her? Could you ensure she has deleted any emails/contacts with him? Could you encourage her to be more transparent, honest and open with you?

The contact with the other guy stopped because it seems, he stopped it- and not because she instigated it. This may be an important point for you or perhaps it isn't as she has realized how much she cares for you and now appreciates that.

It'd be important, if you were willing to progress your relationship, to begin to find new ways to be with each other. Are you feeling there are areas lacking in your relationship - either emotional or physical? Maybe talking about this together will give you both some new aspects to look towards and a new focus.

If you felt that it was worth talking to someone objective, a professional couple counselor might be an idea, here's a couple of links to consider:

USA and therapists website:
Another website where you can search for counselors:
Here are some books you might be interested in too:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.
You can find these both on or your local library may have them.

Furthermore, I wonder if you both could sit and think of ways to start afresh, begin by thinking about things you would like to do together. She seemed to be attached to the other guy for 'emotional' reasons, could that be where yo both start? How could this area be given more attention by you both?

Please accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.

My best wishes to you and hope you find some ways forward with this.
Kind regards, Karin

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 2 years ago.
Hi Scott,

I hope my response has been helpful, please let me know if I can be of further assistance or if you need any clarification. I hope things turn out positively for you!

With best wishes, Karin

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