I'm sorry, I don't know if I need to rate the service before I can receive my answer.
Thank you for your response. It means a lot to hear that I wouldn't be making the worst decision of my life for getting back together with him. I'd just like a bit more of your opinion on strategies I could take.
At the moment, I'm going away to Europe for a month, and figure that this might be a good time to think about everything. I have told him I want him out of my life, and have blocked him on Facebook and deleted his phone number. Do you think it would be a good decision to completely avoid him, and not let him know my reservations about the break up at least until after I get back?
Despite feeling like I can understand what might have happened, and that he never meant to hurt me, I am still so angry at him and I want to punish him. I feel like the worst thing I can do is make him feel like he's truly lost me forever, and in that space determine how I feel as a single person, and with the prospect of never being with him ever again.
I also want to know what kind of things I might want from him to make the relationship better if we ever had this conversation to get back together. We already had such an open and honest relationship, which I think is shown by the fact that he told me almost straight away what happened. He has even offered to stop drinking (which part of me feels like is not totally realistic, but offers something to think about). What else could we do to make things better? I'm worried that I'll never be able to trust him again, and wouldn't want him ever going out without me.
That was good timing, I actually spoke to him last night for the first time,and I didn't realise I could have any follow up questions with you.
I was out at a party and was a little bit drunk and starting to feel a bit emotional. I messaged him and asked him to pick me up. I had told him that I wanted to see him before I went away, and then had changed my mind. At that point I thought that I wanted him to see what he had done to me, because I felt that I tend to hide my emotions and pretend to him that everything is fine, and he needs to know the consequences of his actions.
He said that he still loved me, but it seemed like he wasn't sure if getting back together was the best decision for me. He said that he is always thinking about sex (which I think is an over-reaction to what is normal for any guy), and that even though he has always felt that our relationship is enough, he can't help but think about other women. He said that he can't guarantee that he won't do this again.
It sounds like he's trying to make out that he's some sex addict, but I think he's just got a weak character, and can't hold himself up in these kinds of moments. I don't know if maybe it's just our age, I know I've always been able to hold myself up, but maybe he's just not as mature.
I told him that I wanted to try to fall in love with someone else, and see if anything changes about my feelings towards him. I always said that in a year from now in moving away, and that maybe we can think about getting back together around then.
Do you think this was a good thing to say, by raising his expectations like this? I always am kind of annoyed with myself for letting him off the hook so soon, I'm still not over punishing him for this. And do you think someone can 'outgrow' infidelity?
I think that you're right, if we were ever going to get back together again, something would have to change. I just don't know what. I don't know if I should ask him to go to counselling or not, I don't think he would go. I just don't understand why this happened. You say you're an addiction counseller, so perhaps you could provide some insight. When we were first going out, apparently he was regularly cheating on me, and it never occurred to him that he was doing something bad. He would get drunk and really depressed, and go out to some club and make out with some girl. He said that one day he got an email from this girl's boyfriend, and when he realised that he felt pity for this guy, he realised what he was doing to me.
Since we got back together there has been nothing like that, and he seems to have gotten much better in terms of his mental health. There had been two fights - the first was when he went out to a club with his friends and the button was torn off by some girl he had been dancing with. I was angry that he was dancing with girls, given his history. The second was when one night his ex had appeared at his place in the middle of the night having some mental breakdown (she's bi-polar), and he let her sleep in his bed. Both of these seem like 'normal' fights that young couples would have to me.
My point is that he has really been trying, and I appreciate that, and I can tell that he has come such a long way. I really just don't understand why this has happened. From what I can tell this was not the same as the other times, and he has said that what happened was totally different from his past patterns of behaviour. And yet he says these things about always thinking about women, and sex. I honestly think he's trying to make out he has some addiction that he doesn't really have, in order to find an excuse for his behaviour. Do you think that his latest infidelity is reflective of something he needs to talk to someone professional about?
I just don't know what I need to see to feel safe in getting back together with him. I still love him so much, and I feel like I'm trying to find a reason to forgive him, to find some excuse for him. Or maybe I should just treat it like some random act of his, and treat it completely independently of all his previous indiscretions. In which case, is this forgivable?