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Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question

Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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This guy i been talking to for about a month i knew him before

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This guy i been talking to for about a month i knew him before we actually started talking a whole lot well one day we went out for a few drinks and he wouls stand real close beside me and talk to me most of the night after bar closes we say goodbye well since that night we been hanging around each a lot more...we would hang out each others houses watch movies talk about ourselves and our kids we would txt or call every now then yes we even had sex a few times but i am wondering what to label us i would say friends with benefits but i hink theres a little more than that bc he says multiple times he really likes me and he doesnt have to be drunk to say it he always wants to cuddle with me hug me or kiss me and everything else and we had this talk to take things slow i agreed as it was his idea but hes not taking it slow and he got me confused bc i think he wants more out of what we got going on but he isnt saying i tried tLking him about it and he said himself that he lokes things the way they r he said he is happy and very content and he says he thinks about me all the time i told him im just going with the flow whatever happens...happens so im wondering if he wants to b more than friends if so whats holding him back
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

Please give me a moment while I read through your question carefully and prepare an excellent answer for you. I shall respond very soon. Regards, Karin
Hi there again,

There are lots of mixed signals here. He's almost coming across as having strong feelings for you. You both appear to be behaving in a way, one might argue as boyfriend/girlfriend - dating - if you know what I mean. You don't always have to give relationships and people within them labels, however it does help in that you both know what the expectations are from each other and what is expected within this remit - this is perhaps what may be holding him back. (I'm wondering if you, too, are holding back?)
I'm uncertain how he has responded when you have tried discussing it with him, has he said anything if you've asked him what's holding him back? Sometimes there are valid reasons in terms of if your 'partner' may have been hurt by another etc.. so, it's something to bear in mind.

Furthermore, 'friends with benefits' - it doesn't seem this way, but hey, this is about your definitions and what they might mean for you. There appears to be more emotion involved for this to be friends with benefits, it feels more as though you have both grown close- how couples courting/dating do.

You could simply ask him directly how he sees you and how might he describe you. Honesty is best in these situations, it can be scary and it doesn't feel like you're the one that needs to be brutally honest with him, it seems he needs to be more honest and open with you about his feelings, his hopes and fears - if you could get him to look at this, you may well get an answer from him. Give him room and space to be able to have that conversation, explain that you won't judge him but its important that you get an answer so you know where you (both) stand.

Please accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.

Kind regards, Karin

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He said he has this fear of being hurt and how he just got out of a 11 yr relationship with his ex fiancee and he said she cheated on him more than one occassion...he caught me off guard one day when he used the word love that he wanted to make love with me i didnt say anything in return i was just really surprised in and he mentioned before this all hsppened between him and i that he prolly would b clingy which he is doing a good job not doing that right now
Hello again,

I would be delighted to continue assisting you, however if you will, could you kindly take a second to rate my service. The question will not close and I will continue to support your requests on this question. In the meantime I will prepare my response.

Kind regards, Karin
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi there again,

Thank you for rating my service!

It feels as though this previous long term relationship has certainly left its mark on him and is impacting upon your current 'relationship'. You seem quite attune to your feelings and it may well be about encouraging him to do the same - but as I mentioned, give him space and make it a safe environment for him to talk freely with you about his fears. It is very clear that he likes you but trying to define/label what you have together may, I believe, take some time still.
It is also good that he is not being clingy and it would be important to keep an eye on this - as his insecurities (due to his ex-fiancé's infidelity) may possibly play out with you.

My best wishes to you, please don't hesitate to come back if you need further assistance.
Kind regards, Karin
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So is he wanting to be an a relationship with me u think boyfriend/girlfriend maybe or trying to see where i stand?
I think he sounds very much as though he wants to be in a relationship but may be fearful of being hurt and or rejected. If you perhaps can be clear about your feelings for him, he may well open up in time about his.
Best wishes,
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank u u helped a lot
It was my pleasure!
Do come back if you need assistance on any new questions, just put "For Karin.." at the start of your new question and I'll pick it up.
Best of luck!

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