This situation is much more serious and even more hurtful from what you've shared with me now. I am so sorry that you're going through this.
That he is denying and excusing his behavior now takes this out of the realm of "normal" relationship issues. If you can indeed talk with his daughter, then this is still a good attempt to make.
However, I'm concerned that to not have you become more and more frustrated, hurt and dissatisfied with this marriage, professional intervention is needed. I really think from what you've stated about his stonewalling that the best chance of the anger and hurt not escalating between you two is to get to couples therapy.
One type of therapy is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Why this type for you? Because it focuses on how there have been created emotional barriers and how to get through those barriers. Here is the web address for their therapist finder:
On the website you'll also find excellent books by the founders, Sue Johnson and Leslie Greenberg. There are not that many therapist who work in these therapies and so I recommended EFT couples therapy knowing that often it's a way to orient you on the type of work you want the therapist you do choose to focus on.
There are a number of Christian therapy associations that have directories. He's Lutheran, so he might be comfortable with a Catholic therapist or with a Christian therapist from one of the Christian associations. As for Catholic therapists, the directory I'm familiar with is:
Here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (they show you a photo of the therapist!) look at the listing and see if they list couples therapy in their orientations. see if they list Catholic or other Christian orientation. Interview the therapist and make sure he/she shares your values and you each feel confident in him or her.
Again, I very much hope you two will be able to find a way to turn this heartbreaking situation into a part of a stronger marriage for the future. But I believe you need to take action to make that happen.
I wish you the very best!
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